The Anorexic Diet
Like the thin look or more specifically do you adore the skeletal look? This diet is highly endorsed by fashion models and those walking the runway on Fashion Week. This is a diet of protruding neck bones and gaunt cheeks. Every gal wants to turn sideways and just disappear! It is refreshing to see starvation in countries of wealth in the Northern Hemisphere!
The Amy Winehouse Diet
A steady regiment of tattoos, cigarettes and rehab and of course rehab again. Who can just say “No, no no” and mean the opposite as well as Amy Winehouse? Amy Winehouse is so wholesome with that beehive mess she wears on her head. Not to mention that hubby, still incarcerated-but we all make mistakes. What a happy couple to serve as a role model for the conservative right in this country!
The Starving Third World Diet
A consistent menu of dirt and cow dung yum.While Americans are stuffing their faces with enough food per person to feed a village in Africa, this diet brings a whole new twist to malnutrition. Isn't the world wonderful about sharing their food? I remember the late, great comedian Sam Kinison saying once that we should just send “U-Hauls to Africa and take them to where the food is.”
The Hobo Diet
This exciting and often inebriated diet is made up of the finest ingredients of some change and hard liquor. This diet is often funded by kind-hearted citizens who toss a buck and some lose change to that hairy guy on the corner. This allows this lucky guy to go out and buy that pint of whiskey to forget how he is standing on a corner begging each and everyday. Lovely, truly-mean it!The Orange Diet
The newest diet on the block. Be the first to try it! I just made it up and it is sure to be a real sensation with the tanning obsessed sect. All you have to do is eat tons of carrots eat day and eventually your skin will have a natural orange hue without the tanning salon expense! For dessert this diet allows, Goldfish crackers, oranges, American cheese, cheddar cheese, orange sherbet ice cream, Cheetos and peach yogurt. Do you see a pattern here? I will give you a hint since those tanning bed rays probably destroyed some of your brain cells-everything in this diet is orange!
The Redneck Diet
This diet is sure to be a winning combination. It is a steady helping of road kill and inbred possums! The next time you are driving down the dirt back roads of America in your 500 Turbo truck that is six feet off the ground, you just might find dinner already prepared for you! Think of it as a gift from nature as you rub your mullet hairstyle in wonderment.
The Global Warming Die
Now how could we overlook such a politically correct way of eating? This diet package comes with a free DVD called “Al Gore's Road Show.” This is sure to be an Oscar nominated piece. It consists of Al Gore in his well-lit mansion talking to half-starved polar bears. We owe Al so much. I am glad we gave him the Oscar and had the Hollywood smoozers show him their love. Go green, fight evolution! If the dinosaurs had had Al Gore as their leader, they might be alive today too!
The Horse Racing Diet
This fabulous diet includes the ingredients of steroids, a little euthanizing chemical, and more steroids and of course hay. Tell your friends all about it. They will be so pleased that you probably won't hear from them again!
The Oprah Diet
This exceptional diet stresses that you eat to suppress your feelings and then let Tom Cruise jump on your couch to demonstrate how to use a couch as a tramploline! Go Oprah and I wait in suspense every month to see which “uber” famous person is going to be on the cover of your magazine! Oops! I forgot it is always you Oprah! My extreme apologies!
The Communism Diet
This incredible diet has been around since before World War 2! It consists of little Cuban cigars from Castro, lots of Chinese food with surveillance, repression, denial of human rights, rice, and rice and throw in the Olympics too! Wow what a menu! Oh I almost forgot! North Korea can add the enriched uranium for a real barbeque flavor!
The Bean Diet
We all know that beans cause us to make beautiful music called flatulence. Not only is flatulence tickling to hear, but eating beans will help America get through this gas crisis. Try them in your gas tank even! NOT! Now don't believe everything you read!
Finally, My Personal Favorite: The See Food Diet
On this spectacular diet if you “see it, then you eat it!” Please be aware that this diet may not produce weight loss results. I personally know many Americans that are on this diet for life, however much obesity may shorten it!
There you have it the latest and greatest top dozen diets written exclusively for Triond readers.
By the way, if I did not offend you in this article I am truly sorry. I suggest calling your congressman to complain about a little document called “The Bill of Rights.”
Bon appetit!
