These days, you read all of these posts about improving your life. Who cares about YOUR life? Here are 21 ways to start improving the quality of MY life!
Send me money. Lots of it.
Buy me flowers. A dozen black roses would be nice.
Let me use your house whenever you're not using it. And occasionally when you are.
Create a cult dedicated to my existence. Something with engraved stone blocks and secret tunnels would be nice.
Recruit members to said cult. If you do well, I'll put in a good word for you as High Priest.
Become my sycophant. Follow me around, ending my sentences with either a “ta-da” or “case closed”.
Ignore the fact that the punch line behind number 6 was stolen from Dilbert. And also ignore the fact that number 7 has no punch line.
Hold me in highest regard. Perhaps a watercolor portrait over the fireplace.
Agree with me on whatever I say. Agree with me, dammit!
Become my slave. I've been needing somebody to pick the cotton around here.
Take no offense at number 10 if you are an African-American. And since I enjoy screwing with your mind, take some offense if you aren't.
Make some walrus noises. Koo-koo-ka-choo!
Nveer eevr crorect my spleling. It ani't clool.
To number 13 in addendum, also correct my grammar don't. Only something stupid like that correct losers.
Give me your phone number. So that I can prank call you at 2:00 A.M. daily.
Agrizzle wit' me on ma muzakill tastizzaks. Straight up, beeatch?
Build a shrine to my existence. Nothing overboard, just a couple candles, a couple photos, and pyre of incense and matchstick heads.
When you can't decide who to vote for in the election, select me as a write-in candidate. I'd probably do a better job than any of the losers running anyway.
Cherish my time. By spending about 15 minutes for your personal enjoyment, that pretty much obligates you to worship me.
Bow in my general direction. I'm pretty sure I'm west of you.
Most importantly, vote for this article. And also ignore that number 21 has no punch line either.
Ignore that this article is supposed to be a 21 item list with 22 items. Ignore that 3 of the items have punch lines whose humorous content is based upon them not being a punch line.
MY eyes rock!