30 Things Absurd

This is a list of 30 things that are completely made up, by me, the author. Most of it is rubbish and shouldn't be read by anyone. If this list were a food people would choose it before haggis and spam, but not by much.

1. 14 out 15 Americans prefer a hot meal at noon rather than a cold meal
2. 80% of couples regularly share at least one article of clothing (not at the same time)
3. All sack races, save the sack race at Bridgtowne, Vermont in September of 1986 have been rigged
4. Elvis isn't dead, he never lived but rather was played H.G. Stewart a Shakespearian stage actor until the latter part of Elvis' career when he passed away, at which point Stewart's wife Carol played the part.
5. The Earth has been expanding since its formation and that accounts for the continents fitting like puzzle pieces
6. Puzzle makers are yet to have an original idea
7. Santa Clause
8. During a nuclear test for the Manhattan Project a man (his name can not be released for security reasons) sneezed at the exact moment a bomb was detonated thereby making him appear to sneeze with the force of an atomic bomb. Everyone in the bunker thought it was hilarious.
9. When you wish upon a star the government takes note
10. A long time ago a man built a rather large boat and piled two of every kind of animal that lived within 50 miles of his home. Luckily for us that happened to include all species on the planet.
11. If you take a teaspoon of salt and a quarter cup of vanilla extract along with [Deleted by the Department of Homeland Security] and then bake at 325 degrees for fifteen minutes you can create a bomb that is not only destructive, but has a pretty zippy taste.
12. Times New Roman 12pt. Font was devised originally by an evil mastermind who wanted to numb our brains with mediocre type and then move in for world domination. Having failed at that they created Powerpoint.
13. If you divide the number of people killed by jet-skis, multiply that by people who don't like mushrooms, add 5, then take that sum and multiply it by the circumference of the sun you will have wasted a great deal of time looking up those numbers
14. If ever there are exactly 3 jellyfish of any type in a two gallon container for longer than 20 minutes they will become extremely dissatisfied with their condition
15. The same goes for people after 1 minute
16. If you make up enough crap and print it on the Internet people will most likely read no more than the first five statements and then move on. It takes a special kind of dedication to the art of wasting time in one's life to reach the 16th ridiculous statement. I applaud you.
17. Global warming is caused by democracy. all of the politicians speaking at once causes so much hot air to be released into the atmosphere that the temperature rises, drawing moisture into the air making it more humid making things really miserable.
18. Some people will read this list and take anything on it seriously then leave comments about its inaccuracy, offensive nature, blasphemous content, or the shoddy manner in which it was produced
19. Women's suffrage is a conspiracy by the government to make women want to vote so that once allowed to they would flood to the polls and vote their hats off thus raising voting numbers. This however did not work as it turns out women care just as much about the democratic process as men do and voter numbers are still extremely low.
20. President Bush almost always tells the truth, Dick Cheney is a wonderful human being, and Karl Rove should not be imprisoned
21. No one in corporate media is trying to scare you out of your money. It only looks that way because the world is just so damn scary.
22. The Republicans are right
23. The Democrats are right
24. Third parties are right
25. N.A.M.B.L.A. seems innocent enough.
26. The native language of Hawaii was originally invented to confuse people. As was Swahili.
27. Aliens are visiting our planet every day. Also, to Ed the pig farmer from Arkansas, Vlog says hi.
28. You would be surprised at how easy it is to [Edited for Content] all you need is a little [Edited for content], some [Edited for Content], and an imagination and you are ready to [Edited for content]. If that doesn't work you can replace the [Edited for Content] with a Bob Dylan poster and achieve the same result. Happy [Edited for Content]ing!
29. 56% of people say they think that lists with only twenty nine items seem like they are half-assed
30. Those same people polled say that any list with less than thirty statements of ridiculosity, "statistics", and "facts" without citation is rubbish. Don't read them.