How often have you come across a toy that makes you shake your head and begin to cry? Oh, trust me, I have. There are many toys out there that have no business existing at all. Toys that will most certainly make you want to whimper and hide under a desk, or under 6 feet of dirt, just to avoid having to see them again. I know, I know. I wouldn't have believed it myself, but I recently came into possession of a very disturbing action figure, and so I went off in search of any toys that could scare me, so that you wouldn't have to. I will save the action figure that began my quest for last, so let me begin with something a tad bit more Orthodox.
Allow me to introduce you to the God-Jesus robot. Now, I can't claim to know a lot about this toy, but I do know that it's from Japan. I decided to begin the list with this, because it was decidedly less “Scar me for life-ish” then pretty much anything else I found. I see that the God-Jesus robot on top of the box has a cross, while the God-Jesus robot on the box is carrying flowers, so I assume they lied about what was in the box, and will soon be sued for false advertising. There also appears to be a Japanese boy praying, perhaps to procure a robot. But in the next frame someone, presumably God, shouts “NO!” at him. He should probably thank God for not allowing him to purchase this toy. If you ask me, its red eyes are the work of the Devil!
Oh my god! Claw my eyes out!! Please, make it quick. What is this thing? Does it make you want to cry? It makes me want to cry. A quick analysis of this doll will reveal that it is obviously from Russia. Not because of the Russian typing mind you, but because of the male genitalia on the female doll. The doll on the left has shorter hair, so maybe, maybe, they were going for male doll that, while still disturbing, is not quite as disturbing as a lady. But the doll on the right is clearly female, so plan on not sleeping tonight. Unless you can somehow convince yourself that it's a tumor, but good luck on that.
I've recently realized something. If I'm going to lead to the downfall of society, why not do it in style? How "bout with some bling? You know what"ll really set me apart? Having a half black, half yellow jacket. Ooh, ooh, I bet I could make a profit off of this!! So goes the thoughts of Snoop Doggy Dog. I see that he's going with the star sunglasses, very fashionable, and functional. The thing that I find most amusing about this action figure is that is marketed as Vital Toys. Feel free to jump off a cliff.
Okay, you know what. This one shouldn't even be on this list. I know, I know, it's a scary toy. But you know what else? A unicorn is stabbing a mime. Tell me where else you can get that kind of awesomeness justice pie? And plus, it has four different magical horns for each of your stabbing needs. You have three people to stab, mime, hippie girl, and business man. One for every occasion! I'm so excited about this. I'll probably buy one. You have to wonder why there is one superfluous horn though. Perhaps if one gets lost inside a victim. Oh my goodness, I'm so giddy.
Can't figure out why this one is scary? Well, how about the fact that it teaches children that mindlessly stalking celebrities with a camera is a good idea? Hell, this thing will probably end up teaching kids that running over people is a good idea, because that's what your going to do to these eventually. I imagine it would go something like this.
“Now honey, you know I love your little action figure things. But they are beginning to get on daddy/mommy's nerves. So I'm going to teach you what we do to things that get on peoples nerves” You won't even be thinking about what you're saying. In blind fury you will crush them with your SUV and proceed to throw them in the garbage disposal.
“And that's what we do to annoying things, any questions?” You say grinning maniacally.
“No, I'm going to go upstairs now, can I take this knife with me?”
“What? Yeah sure, whatever. Just be quiet, Survivor's on.”
