Seven Things I Never Knew About French Kissing

I come from a very strict religious community. This community frowns on worldly pursuits such as getting laid and focuses on the more eternal goals, like killing Ragnaros. This community I come from is called by many names, but is easily identified by the racist slang, "The Geeks".

As an upstanding member of the Geek community, I never really had the opportunity to kiss anyone remotely attractive, and simply accepted the possibility that I may spend the rest of my life ogling females and considering suicide.

That was until a few nights ago. A party hosted by a heathen non-geek was in the neighborhood, and since I had done homework for the host, I was invited. It was kind of strange to go a party that was not centered around destroying evil, but actually participating in it.

Anyway, to get on with the anticipated list of seven things I never knew about French Kissing...

1. Foreplay is Awesome, Even for a Guy

   I spent around three hours talking and slow-dancing with an amazing woman. The 30-second-rule about men is not completely true. I can imagine how badly it would have gone if I had come on too fast, but the way it was, I was actually going too slow for her, so she was actually jumping MY bones. A better complement cannot be asked for.

2. Women are Not Made of Steel, Stone, or Plastic

   This is a little hard to explain to someone who has not been pressed up against a living, female body. Women are just as bony, squishy, and sweaty as men are. For someone who has spent their entire life seeing women on computer screens or magazine pictures, that person cannot properly imagine what a real woman is like.

3. Women are Short

   Really short. They are like little Halflings. Or cute dwarfs. Really, I had no idea what to do with someone who was that close to the floor all the time. When you are slow dancing with a short person, it can be a little awkward. The really only good place to put her head while you are dancing is to rest it against your chest, because there is no way on earth that you can put it on your shoulder, even if you squat down.

4. A Muscular Chest Goes an Incredibly Long Way

   No, pecs are not only for wrestlers, gays, and gay wrestlers. Pecs are not so you can look nice in a tight shirt. I never knew this before, but when a woman rests her head on your chest, you will know with an unshakable knowledge what pecs are for. And you will be unbelievably glad you went to that really gay gym. You will either thank God or become very religious when this happens.

5. Women's Noses Are a Lot Longer Than They Look

   When you feel something with your face, you get a lot more information in your brain than you would just by looking at it. So when you put your face up against the face of another person, you can learn things that nobody else could know unless they did it, too. And one of those things, is your dancing partner's nose is actually pressing up against your cheekbone. And on a side note, when you are this close to someone, you can sync with their breathing. This sensation can only be described as gorgeous.

6. Kisses Are Not the Sloppy, Grandmother Things You Hated as a Child

   The mouth is the most sensitive place on your body. This is why children always put everything in their mouths when they want to learn about it. There is a massive, massive array of nerve endings in and around your mouth. Placing your lips on another pair of lips is a very nice feeling. But, OH MAN! The TONGUE! There is so much information being poured into your brain when you French kiss that you will either experience a cardiac arrest, or permanently and instantly lose 25 IQ points. You will feel every taste bud, every pore of that woman's mouth. And, OH MAN, she's moving her tongue! She's moving the...
   
   I think that the...
   
   Oh please, just let...
   
   Uh, whoa.
   
   That was really something else. Did I just black out there?
   
   Wow.
   
   

7. You Will Never Be Able to Concentrate on Anything, Ever Again