Headlines
“I guess eight isn't enough.”
Leading off this week, I ponder the idea of having multiple wives. I have a hard enough time keeping one woman happy. I can only imagine having eight women, and having all of them mad at you at once. As it turns out, Bishop Anthony Owens was sent to jail a few years ago for having eight wives. Now, he is in the dog house (and the big house) again, since he proposed to four more women, and apparently never bothered to get a divorce from the other eight. What is even stranger is that Owens has completed the divorce proceedings with some of the original eight, but can not remember which ones.
Twelve wives? That just sounds like way too much work.
“The devil made him do it!”
After her husband put their infant daughter in the microwave, it would not be surprising if Eva Mauldin wanted a divorce from Joshua Mauldin. Instead, Eva thinks that he is completely free from blame. You see, Joshua was studying to become a preacher, and the devil (a.k.a. Satan, Lucifer, the Morning Star) saw him as a threat and made her husband place the baby in the microwave and fire it up. The child is still receiving medical attention for burns on her face and hands.
“Hi, is this the IRS? Ok, good. Say I cheated on my taxes last year, but the devil made me do it. It's all good, right?”
“Doesn't feel so hot, does it Doc?”
After spending eight years in jail, the doctor that helped people die is being released from prison after agreeing to not assist in any more suicides. Jack Kevorkian, or Dr. Death to his friends, is now almost 80 years old and is reportedly in very poor health. According to his attorney, the Bad Doctor suffers from hepatitis C and temporal arteritis.
So, tell me Doc, how does it feel to have your life slipping away from you? Wow. That's really cold.
“I'll take a Rasta Reese's and two Stoney Ranchers”
The Apocalypse Times would not be complete if a week went by without a good drug story. As if being sentenced to more than five years in jail for making candy laced with marijuana was not enough, Kenneth Affolter now faces trademark infringement because he packaged the sweet treats in wrappers that resembled the packages produced by Hershey's for their candy. Likewise, they had names very similar to their line of products.
This guy went to a whole lot of trouble just to sell some pot.
“Officer, what can I do?”
How can a woman get out of a ticket? Flirting would be one way. Crying would be another. But those only work for speeding tickets. Let's say you are caught in possession of illegal painkillers? Then you have to go straight to performing sexual favors for the state trooper and allowing him to film it with his in car video camera. Problems arise, however, if the woman is porn star Barbie Cummings and she posts about it on her blog. Tennessee Trooper, James Moss, is now under a paid suspension pending an investigation.
So he got sexual favors from a porn star and paid vacation? Lucky guy.
“I call heads!”
Two candidates for the council of Bontoc in the Philippines found a interesting way to break a tie in their election. The two candidates flipped a coin to see who would fill the seat. As it turns out, this is legally an option in their political system.
Remember this for the next presidential election.
“What's in this bag? Snakes.”
An Egyptian man was arrested this week for trying to smuggle 700 live snakes onto a plane bound for Saudi Arabia. When the man was asked by custom officials what his bag contained, he told them it had snakes in it. Not believing the man, they asked him to open the bag, which he did, revealing the 700 little beasts, including two poisonous cobras, hidden in various cloth bags. The man told authorities that he had planned to sell the snakes in Saudi Arabia to make some money.
So much for me thinking the plot to the movie “Snakes on a Plane” was completely illogical.
Arts, Leisure and Entertainment
“Have fun storming the castle!”
Ever want to own your own castle? For a cool $15 million, you can. The Searles Castle in Great Barrington, Massachusetts is for sale. Clocking in at one hundred twenty years old, the forty room French chateau comes complete with dungeon, but sadly, no moat.
Then again, if you can afford to buy a $15 million dollar home, you sure as hell can find someone to dig you a really big hole around it, right?
