“Time for another nose job!”
Ever trip over your dog? Ever break your nose trying to avoid your dog? That's what happened to Paula Abdul this week. Beside the nose break, Abdul also broke a toe. The dog reportedly sustained no injuries.
Famous people have the worst luck.
“Oh, yea? Well, you're just a...”
Mel Gibson was present at a Catholic confirmation in Mexico this week, and the presiding Archbishop over the affair had Gibson as his guest for over an hour.
No work yet on if Gibson insulted any of the Mexican people with racial slurs. Chances are he did not, as they were Catholic, not Jewish.
“Till death, or a few years, do us part.”
Actor and comedian Tom Arnold has reached the five year limit on his third marriage, and has therefore filled for divorce. In his two previous marriages, which included a stint with Rosanne Barr, and his most recent have all been put in the books since 1994.
Tom Arnold's list of credits (that do not involve Rosanne Bar) include such blockbusters as Backfield in Motion, Carpool, The Stupids, McHale's Navy, and Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the Thirteenth.
“Return of the Jedi is far superior to A New Hope.”
Several thousand people turned up for a viewing of all six Star Wars movies in a row this week in Los Angeles. The free show was expected to take some 17 hours to complete, although there were scheduled intermissions so you could refill on soda and Ju-ju's. The show was being held in honor of the 30th anniversary of the release of the first movie, Episode IV, A New Hope.
Seventeen straight hours of watching Star Wars. And I thought I was a geek.
“I have an idea, but hear me out on this one.”
It looks like the people that are in charge of coming up with ideas for Broadway shows have run out of good suggestions. Coming soon to a theater near you: The Addams Family. Yea, the creepy ones from the 1960's television series.
If this is a musical, I'm there.
Sports
“Why can't we have dog fights?”
What's wrong with dog fighting, says Washington Redskin Clinton Portis, defending fellow NFL player Michael Vick. Vick is on thin ice after his house was raided and dog fighting equipment and possibly dog fighting dogs were found. Portis went on to say that, in Laurel, Mississippi, his home town, dog fighting is prevalent.
Clinton, just because dog fighting is considered a fun pastime in a backwoods town that's second biggest claim to fame is Trapper's Gator Farm, doesn't keep it from being a felony in Virginia. Shut up and play football.
“Why not use a stuffed tiger?”
For the last 71 years, there has been a live tiger mascot at LSU. Now PETA, or the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, has suggested to LSU that they should not replace the recently departed cat, who died of kidney failure. The PETA spokes person noted that captive large cats are deprived of the chance to climb, run, hunt, and everything else that large cats get to do in the wild.
Other things that captive animals do not get to do: starve, get shot, get eaten, get shot then eaten, break a leg and die from infection...
Health, Science and Technology
“Doc, I need some Viagra, but not for what you think...”
A study using hamsters points to a new use for the little blue pill. Researchers have shown that the use of Viagra can reduce the effects of jet lag for hamsters traveling eastward. The drug, which is designed to increase blood flow, helped the little furry guys adapt to the change in time faster than those who did not take the medicine. The drug was ineffective for hamsters traveling west.
No word yet if the hamsters spent their extra time banging their little hamster wives.
“Just give me that crap over there.”
The completion of a power plant scheduled to begin construction next month would bring power to 50,000 homes, but it does not use coal or nuclear material to generate power. It uses turkey poo. The feces, which in the past has been used as fertilizer, would produce some 55 megawatts of power, and, since it comes out of a turkey's butt, is not only renewable, but quickly renewable.
Guess I am going to have to stop using the phrase "bucket of turkey shit" to describe useless people.
“Something's peakin'!”
Every now and then you hear a story about a woman who gives birth in some strange place, so what is so special about Stephanie Green giving birth in a cab? Maybe it is because she did the exact same thing less than two years ago. Two children to one mother, 17 months apart, both born in the back seat of a cab.
Wonder if they were both conceived there, too?
“Stewardess? May I have an epidural?”
Speaking of babies delivered in strange places, two doctors delivered a baby in the isle of a plane in flight. When the baby popped out on the Delta Airlines Germany to Atlanta flight, it was not breathing, so the high flying physicians preformed infant CPR until the child started sucking air on its own to complete the happy ending.
And you thought sitting in the middle seat was bad.
“Did you say "a-kah" or "a-keh?"”
Wrapping up our Health, Science, and Technology section this week is a story about a dolphin. Many dolphins, actually. The dolphins, which live off the coast of Whales and the coast of Ireland, have been found to have different dialects in the sounds that they produce. Logically, it follows that dolphins off the coast of the United States, or anywhere else for that matter, would also have unique dialects.
File this one under "Scientists that have too much spare time."
Final Story of Note
“I used to like it when my husband bit my lip.”
It all stared out as a very normal day in South San Francisco, and it would have stayed that way had Akano Nzerem's wife had not called him short. The two apparently began arguing, and according to the wife, Akano shoved his daughter aside, gave his wife a big hug, and bit her lip. Off. He (allegedly) bit her lip off. I'm going to say it one more time. He bit his wife's lip off.
Now that's what I call a hot date.
And that wraps up the Apocalypse Times for this week. See you in seven days, and don't you go changing.
