The "high five" - a modern, culturally significant, form of youthful exuberant celebration - is one of many things at which I suck. I simply cannot do it without either looking like Michael J. Fox falling off a trampoline or some equally offensive, yet mildly hilarious, pop-culture figure falling off, on, or into an equally ridiculous object or situation; for example, Christopher Reeve rolling into a Jello filled sewer or Eric Stoltz's character in the film Mask being turned away from the blind school's field trip to the brand new local children's hospital's construction site because hard hats were required and there's damn sure not a hard hat in all the land that's gonna wrap around that Van Derbeekian potato. I've always found the high five to inhabit the Universe of Douchebaggery and Jocular Machismo and I want nothing to do with it.
A Brief History:
While the "low five", a slightly less popular version of the celebratory gesture, can be traced as far back as the 1920s, utilized by the legendary Al Jolson in the groundbreaking (and hilariously racist!) film The Jazz Singer, the "high five" seems a much more modern pop phenomenon. Magic Johnson has laid claim to its invention, as well as former L.A. Dodger, Dusty Baker, but neither claim can be easily substantiated. Former Louisville Cardinal's 1980 champion basketball player, Derek Smith, is credited for the invention and popularization of the high fucking five and subsequently is to blame for my fear and humiliation whenever I see some asshole (one of my cockchomp friends) with their goddamned hand in the air, grinning triumphantly, after their beer can made it in the trash bin from across the room.
Variations:
The Windmill – in this Top Gun popularized version of the "high five" two participants start at the top as normal but, once the first connection is made, continue the trajectory to meet once again down low. This particular version is reserved for fags (and I use that word in the most hateful, despicable way possible – JOKING – some of my best friends are gay. For example, my dear friends Ryan and LJ utilize this method after their many torrid, greasy butt-sex sessions).
The Double High Five – this one simply doubles my chances of failure. If one attempts to "double high five" me, one of us is walking away with a bloody nose or broken wrist.
Notable Dates:
National High Five Day is celebrated on the third Thursday of April each year. It was born in 2001 on the campus of the University of Virginia by a number of douchey punters dead-set on making that day an unbearable abortion of blunders for yours truly. Way to go Wahoos. Furthermore, to add lemon juice to the gaping papercut, these post-literate assholes managed to get San Diego to recognize National High Five Day as an official city holiday. That's why God set them on fire.
In closing, the "high five" is a cultural malignancy that must be mastectomized. Let's all do our part in extinguishing this unfortunate blip in pop culture history, making extinct at last this bastion of Costneresque douchebags everywhere. Perhaps we can finally reach our species' potential.
