Humor

This is real. No, seriously! It is a baby Aye-Aye. The species should really have been called a No-No but that's another story. The species is currently endangered for various reasons - one being geography: it comes from the island of Madagascar and is found nowhere else in the world. That's possibly a relief. Secondly, the indigenous tribes of Madagascar found them so ugly that often, when discovered, they would be beaten to death. Do not show this picture to your kids because as soon as they see it they will want an Aye-Aye themselves. And if you are a parent who just can't say No-No you will be in trouble!

Baby Parrot

Some people find new born human babies inexplicably attractive and if you fall in to that category you probably let out a sound that goes something like “aaaw”. Go on, admit it, it's just you and the computer, no one will know. If you belong to the minority of sane people on this small blue planet, then replace the three instances of the letter "a" with an "e" to form a completely different noise.

No Chance of a Prince Here

This was one of the more attractive pictures of a frog I could find. Better to leave some things to the imagination. This chap is a White's Tree Frog and, when kept as a pet is one of the tamest frogs you could care to meet. Fully grown he is super light and will fit in to the palm of your hand - barely. Remember not to watch the final of America's Got Talent while holding him. Applause could be damaging. People always wonder why frogs are such happy little amphibians. That's because they eat whatever bugs them.

The Naked Mole Rat

If you whipped this little guy out at the Doctor's surgery you would probably be admitted to hospital in record time. The Naked Mole Rat - a name which just cries out to be adopted by an S&M Club - is a shy and timid creature and has no plans at the moment for world domination even if the expression on his face looks as if he might be contemplating it in a Dr Evil kind of way. Gentlemen, do not slip one in your pocket on a first date. It will be the last.

The Saiga

The Chinese are becoming rather adept at making species extinct, so your last chance to see the elusive Saiga antelope will be coming up soon. With whorly carrots for horns and a rather snub and bulbous snout, they look like something your kid might draw in kindergarten and proudly display it to you. “Look what I drewed!” he exclaims. Yes, little Timmy, you reply with a pat on the head and wonder how he manages to draw animals that could never possibly exist every single bloody time.

Bat

No, this is not a vampire bat but the common or garden brown bat. Just as well because if you cross a vampire with a computer you get love at first byte. A great set of gnashers, though, his dentist should be proud. Looks like the rest of him might benefit to a visit to the hygienist though.

More More Moray!

“When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore...
When you put your hand in a crack and you don't get it back, that's a moray!”

On a serious note, moray eels will never attack you unless you provoke them, like post slanderous comments about their girl friend on a chat forum. Then they get mad.

Dog. DOG?!?!

You should see the owner. So ugly that this little thing humps her leg with his eyes closed. This dog's name is Sam and he won the World's Ugliest Dog competition three times. The ultimate statement against pedigree breeding he is in fact of a species known as the “Chinese Hairless”. You don't say. The stuff of dream or nightmares? You decide!

Alpaca

You can always rely on the creatures of South America for the “ew” factor (and, yes, Llamas will be coming along later). Knock knock - so goes the old joke. Alpaca. Alpaca who? Alpaca the suitcase, you packa the trunk. Incidentally, a friend of mine recently bought a herd of alpacas from Pakistan. “Islamabad?” I asked. “No,” he replied, “I just prefer alpacas”. Please use the comment box at the end of this article to post a complaint about the standard of humor on this page.

Sight of the Condor

Remaining in South America for a while, the above is a fine example of a male Condor. Related to the vulture family (though you would never guess) the Condor is in fact a vegetarian. Got you there for a second. The growth you can see is called a caruncle: the person who named it obviously missed out a letter. Ah, to “b” or nor to “b”. To “be”, I believe!

Llama Operatics

Everyone thought that Freddie Mercury got the Barcelona gig without any competition. How wrong can you be? Monserrat Caballe very nearly chose Llarry the Llama above, but backed out at the last minute fearing that she would be upstaged.

The same friend who bought the alpacas from Pakistan recently bought a toy Llama in a shop. It was lovely and cuddly, but my friend, strangely, revered it. I had to explain, very kindly and carefully the difference between a dolly Llama and the Dalai Lama.

The image above is included to give a fair representation of the grimace you gave to my last piece of the thing sometimes know as humor.

Slug it Out

Looking more like something you might be expected to produce as a sample at a hospital than a living. Breathing creature, this slug is included solely for that purpose and that purpose only. There is no point in toilet humor without getting down and dirty.

However, if the sample looks something like this Banana Slug, I would worry. A lot.

How to Eat Corn on the Cob Through a Picket Fence

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 05:20:55 PST

If you have ever been in the Southeastern part of the United States, you know that people there can sometimes speak in a different version of English. I was born and raised in Tennessee and have spent time in every state in the Southeast (having lived in a few as well) and despite this, I have occasionally experienced difficulty understanding the local dialect. I have read that a lot of the "slang" in this part or our nation has its roots in the Scottish language. Scottish people settle all around the Appalachian Mountains because (it is said) that they closely resembled the Scottish Highlands. I am sure there are many other influences as well.

This "primer" is intended to have a little fun with the "hidden" (i.e., probably not in the dictionary) language of the South and perhaps provide the unwary traveler with some insight into what the heck is being said! You will find words and phrases below that are fairly common to the Southeast but may have variations depending upon where you are travelling. I have included a brief explanation of the word or phrase (based on how I learned to use it or what I heard from others) and in most cases, an example to help you on your way to being able to communicate in "Southern Speak". In the interest of being able to understand what is written, I have spelled most words correctly and not the way only we in the South can say them.

Argue / talk with a fence post - The key here is the fence post - Obviously, it is incapable of replying (at least where I live). If you use the word "argue" with this phrase it indicates someone that is argumentative and would argue no matter what. Example: "Roy is so ornery that he would argue with a fence post." If you insert the word, "talk", you are indicating that the person likes to talk. A lot. Example: "Helen would talk with a fence post if it would listen."

Beller (See "Holler" as well) - This word in the South means to yell loudly - typically for someone. I have also seen it used when referring to animals (like cows mooing loudly). Example: "Hank! Your mom is bellerin' for you! You better get home!"

Belly washer - This is a carbonated beverage. Example: "I'm going to drink me a belly washer." Where I grew up, "drink" is pronounced as "drank".

Bled like a stuck pig - If you ever managed to cut yourself and the blood flowed freely, it was not uncommon for someone viewing your wound to say, "You are bleeding like a stuck pig."

Carry - In the South, this word can be used to refer to transporting a person (typically in a car - See "vehicle"). Example: "I had to carry my mother to the store yesterday."

Chicken with its head cut off - This refers to an animal or person that is running around frantically - sometimes with little or no apparent motive. People that own chickens would kill one of their chickens for a meal by cutting off its head with an axe or just wringing its neck. Chickens are known to run around crazily for a little while after losing their head. I have heard my father describe the practice of "wringing the neck" which is taking a live chicken by the neck and swinging it quickly around in a circle in front of you until the head comes off. This is probably where the phrase "wring someone's neck" comes from. Example: "Billy is so confused! He was running around like a chicken with its head cut off!"

Clean your clock - If someone tells you this it means they intend to do bodily harm to you. Example: "You took my belly washer and now I'm going to clean your clock!"

Clod hopper - Shoes that appear overly large on your feet - usually with very large soles. I guess the name comes from jumping over clods (see "Dirt clod").

Cow pie / cow paddy - Cow poop that has been in the sun long enough for the outside to harden slightly leaving the inside still a little soft (hence the use of the word "pie"). Popular for its use as a thrown weapon - you can imagine the effect! Example: "Bubba! If you hit me with that cow paddy, I'm going to clean your clock!"

Dadgum / dadburn - These are "polite" swear words in the South. Example: "Dadgum it! I just broke Mom's best dish!" "Dadburn it, Joe! Why did you have to go and do that!"

Dick's hat band - Used to refer to anything that is "tight" (clothing, a penny pincher, etc.). Example: "Those pants are tighter than Dick's hat band!" "Bill's wallet is tighter than Dick's hat band."

Dirt Clod - Dirt that has stuck together into roughly a palm sized "clod" that is perfect for throwing. The best ones "explode" (or at least look like it) when thrown against walls, the street or your playmates. Example: "Billy! You stop throwing those dirt clods at me!"

Duck on a June bug - This is an indication of speed (usually mixed with greed) to obtain something. Ducks like to eat June bugs and have to move pretty fast to catch them. Example: "Did you see Uncle Homer? He went for that moon pie like a duck on a June bug." Children like to catch June bugs and tie thread to one of the hind legs so you can control how far away it can fly. That's better than a helium balloon!

Eat corn on the cob through a picket fence - Used to indicate someone who has teeth that stick out on the top (also known as "buck teeth" or "horse teeth"). Example: "Poor Mable and her buck teeth! She could eat corn on the cob through a picket fence!"

Fer piece - This has to do with traveling a great distance and I am assuming that "fer" used to be "far". Example: "I have to travel a fer piece so I better get going."

Finer than frog hair - This is used to reply to someone that has just asked about your health (See "Ya'll" for more detail). Examples: (Feeling good) "I'm finer than frog hair!" (Feeling great) "I'm finer than frog hair split four ways."

Fired up - See "Ill".

Fixin' to - Preparing to do something. Example: "I'm fixin' to clean your clock."

Frazzled - Typically refers to someone that is tired from doing something stressful. Example: "Poor old Winona! She is plumb frazzled after fussin' with those kids all day!"

Haint - A word to describe a ghost derived from "haunt". Example: "I ain't agoin' up there! That house has a haint!"

Hankering - This means the same thing as "yearning". More often than not, it is used to express a desire for food. Example: "I've got a real hankerin' for some grits!"

Holler - See "Beller".

Hoot - Something or someone that is a lot of fun. Examples: "Scaring Farmer Brown's cow is a hoot!" "He's a hoot!"

Horse Biscuit - Same as "Cow pie / paddy" but referring to horse poop instead. Also good for use as a missile weapon.

Ill- Another word for angry. "I'm fixin' to carry my aunt over to the store and if she wants me to drop her off at the front door, I'm going to get ill!"

Mess - Can refer to a group or collection or a "bunch". See "Vittles" for usage.

Pig in a poke (See "Poke" for its definition) - This saying refers to dealing with something that is unknown and has some risk to it. Example: "If you buy that, you might be gettin' a pig in a poke."

Plumb - Another word for "very". See "Tuckered out" or "Frazzled" for usage.

Poke - Another way of referring to a bag or sack.

Pouring piss out of boot - This is used to indicate someone's lack of intelligence. There are a few variations but the most descriptive is "He couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the directions were on the heel."

Revenuer - An IRS agent that came to collect back taxes.

Rode hard and put up wet - This refers to anything or anyone that looks pretty rough and probably relates to a leather saddle originally. Perhaps your neighbor is out to get the paper in their boxers after an all night party and is not looking their best. If you and your spouse are looking out the window, one of you might remark, "He looks like he was rode hard and put up wet." Another version of this is to say, "He looks like nine miles of bad road."

Rougher than a cob - This saying refers to using corn cobs in lieu of toilet paper in outhouses. It can refer to the feel of something but also to how something functions. Example: "The tires on my vehicle ride rougher than a cob."

Spell - This has two meanings in the South: 1) An indeterminate period of time - Example: "I'm going to sit a spell." and 2) Give someone a rest - Example: "You've been drivin' long enough. Let me spell you."

Spoof - Another word for a lie but in most cases it means that you are playfully telling a lie. Example: "I don't believe there is an elephant in the front yard! You're spoofin'."

Sugar - The Southern word for diabetes. Southerners also pronounce diabetes as "diabeatus". Example: "George has been tired a lot since he got sugar."

Tizzy - This is when someone is very nervous and/or disturbed and can even end up running around like a chicken with their head cut off. Example: "Ever since her milk cow ran off, Elvira has been in a tizzy."

Trust someone as far as you could throw them - When used to refer to another person, it means that they are not to be trusted. Example: "I would not trust Hannah Jean as far as I could throw her." It can get even meaner if the person in question is of ample girth.

Tuckered out - Exhausted. Example: "I had to run from the Law today when they found my still. I'm plumb tuckered out."

Upside - Another way of saying something is against something else - probably short for saying "right up alongside". See "Wallop" for usage.

Vehicle - In the South, you don't drive a car, you "operate a vehicle". Typically it is pronounced with the emphasis on the first syllable like, "vee-hicle". Example: "Don't you touch my vee-hicle or I'll clean your clock!"

Wallop - Another word for striking something or someone. Example: "I'm going to give you a wallop upside your head for touching my vee-hicle."

Whooping - This is where your parents are going to spank you for some infraction or someone is mad enough at you to beat you up. Example: "Oh, Johnny! You done broke Mom's favorite dish and you are going to be in for a whoopin'!"

Wipe the floor with you - A variation of "Clean your clock".

Worth your salt - This is said to comment on someone or something's value. Example: "If that new restaurant were worth its salt, they would be serving sweet tea."

Ya'll - One of the most common "words" in the Southern Vocabulary; short for "you all" or "all of you". Example: (Said to a group of people to address everyone at once) "How ya'll doin'?" What some people might not know is that there is a variant: "you 'uns". "Ya'll" can also be used with one person to infer that you are not only asking about their health but the health of their immediate family as well.

Yonder - Somewhere other than where you currently are and of indeterminate distance. Examples: "I'm fixin' to go over yonder to the store." "Look over yonder. Here comes your mother in your father's vee-hicle."

Bonus Food and Beverage Section

Coke - In the South, this collectively refers to any and all carbonated beverages, no matter the brand or flavor (similar to "Kleenex®" being the generic title for all tissues). Example: "I'm going to go buy a coke." In most cases it means you really are going to buy a Coca-cola® product (given the popularity of the brand in the South) but it can also mean any other brand. Another example: "I'm going to carry my mother to go get a coke."

Dinner / Supper - In a good portion of the United States, the noon meal is referred to as "lunch" and the evening meal is called "dinner". However, to some people in the South, the noon meal is "dinner" and the evening meal is "supper".

'Mater - The shortened version of "tomato". Example: "I need a belly washer to go with my 'mater."

Moon pie - This is one of the most popular desserts in the South. It is basically two round graham crackers with marshmallow filling in between. It is then covered with a flavored coating that forms a shell around the whole thing. I have eaten vanilla, chocolate and banana (the best) but I've heard there are other flavors. Eating one while drinking a Coke® is a Southern tradition!

Poke Salad - I have never had this but have heard of it many times. My understanding of this is you go out in your yard or a field and pick wild greens. Then you fry bacon, chop it up and put it in a poke (a bag) with the greens. You then pour the bacon grease into the bag and shake the bag to evenly distribute the grease (which functions as the salad dressing). Then pour on a plate or bowl and eat.

Scrambled Pig Brains - No kidding - people eat this! I can remember being totally shocked when I was old enough to recognize it was being sold in the local grocery store. I have never tried it but have heard that some people like to mix it in with their scrambled eggs. I wonder if you oink after you eat it.

'Shine - Short for "moonshine" (also called "hootch") which is "distilled" typically in very remote locations due to the illegal nature. Rumors abound of people going blind drinking improperly prepared 'shine. True moon shine is absolutely clear and has very high alcohol content. Shine is prepared in a "still" (which comes from "distill") which is constructed of various spare parts.

Sweet tea - If you come to the South, 99% of the restaurants will provide you with "sweet tea". In other words, they have already sweetened the tea while it was still in the pot and it is done with sugar and not an artificial sweetener (to truly be called "sweet tea"). I have heard it jokingly referred to as the "house wine of the South". Do not be surprised if you order "ice tea" at a restaurant in the South and the server asks you, "Sweet or un-sweet?"

'Tater - The shortened version of "potato". Example: "I'm fixin' to make a mess of 'taters."

Vittles - For fans of "The Beverly Hillbillies", you know that Granny always talked about fixing vittles. Vittles collectively refers to any type of prepared food (including possum gizzards). Example: "I'm fixin' to make a mess of vittles."

A Short Illustrated History of the Nerd

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 03:45:57 PST

One Last Jobs

First we need to address the very term "nerd". What exactly is it? We know that it usually has derogatory connotations (though that may be changing, see "Nerd Pride" below). Usually a nerd was someone whose life passions were not shared by the majority of the population. Their heroes were not shared by the ubiquitous "man in the street" (who would simply not get the joke in the picture above). In fact most people traditionally saw the interests of a nerd as strange and somewhat weird. However, with the advent of the internet, nerds have increased in number exponentially. The nerd herd has arrived.

Drag and Drop

Often at High School nerds were partly classified by their disinterest in sport and their acquisition of knowledge considered intellectual and somewhat esoteric by other student (who usually didn't know what esoteric and intellectual mean, but hey). Rather than engaging in social activities the nerd could often be a loner. Occasionally they were lucky enough to meet others of their genus - Nerdus Sapiens - and were allowed to take over a table in the cafeteria. This was not, as some would think, an attempt by the majority to include the small nerd herd. Rather, it was a form of deliberate and insidious social exclusion.

Disrespect to Nerds

As such nerds were often considered outcasts by "normal" members of society and the term, when used, was an insult. Such was the ferocity of public opinion against the nerd that slights against the herd were, for example, casually used as cheap marketing ploys (see above). Replace the word with a derogatory label based on gender, color or religion and you can see just how offensive the above advertisement truly was.

Nerd Sex

Nerds had therefore to cultivate their own language (see above) which could be understood only by other members of the herd. A rebuse interpretation of the above would be “As you get to the University of Chicago, the amount of sex expected approaches zero.” If you failed to snigger at that or had to wait for the "translation" then you probably do not fit in to the nerd category. Many people would not accept the truth that nerds did, in fact, engage in the Wild Thing and until recently the nerd was often regarded as something as if not more virginal than a certain icon of Christianity.

The Nerd of July

Nerds celebrate occasions just like any other substrata of society. They do make a special effort to make it their own, of course, but can often be misled and occasionally ignorant of the history of their own kind. To trace the origins of the word we must pay homage to that wordsmith of wordsmiths, Dr Seuss. His 1950 masterpiece "If I Ran the Zoo" contains the first printed instance of the word. Gerald McGrew, the narrator, maintains he would collect “a Nerkle, a Nerd and a Seersucker too” to be housed in his imaginary zoo. That was way back in 1950. As such, "If I Ran the Zoo" can be seen as the Holy Book of Nerd-dom.

The Nerd Bathroom

It is of little surprise that most nerds are unaware of their own history. After all, their obsessive behavior is such that they have been know to adapt rooms in their domiciles in order to pursue interests that many would find unusual or even unsettling (see above). Dr Seuss had no idea what he had started and soon the word spread to wider (adult) society.

Nerd Army

This was the beginning of the appearance of the nerd as a specific genus. It is strange that perhaps there had been no previous discovery of the word (though there was “bluestocking” for the female of the species way back in the eighteenth century). However, in 1951, Newsweek magazine pointed out the widespread use of the word in Michigan in the country known as the United States of America. The Army of Nerd was beginning to burgeon.

Nature or Nurture?

The debate still rages as to whether nerds are born or are, rather, the result of some aspect of their upbringing. Many illiterates have produced nerd offspring and are unable to pinpoint what happened to make their child a nerd. Some blame themselves and they often create support groups in places such as New York and San Francisco. That is leaping forward a little in time, however. By the early years of the 60s, the term had gone viral and appeared throughout the USA in television, radio and other media. The word was reported in far away places such as Scotland (where people have red hair and strange accents). Globalization of the brand was not far off.

Nerd Pride

Nerd Pride was not yet born, however. It would not be until the late 1980s that Pride and Power would become part of the nerd lexicon and it would be the new century before it was formally celebrated. Back in the 60s the term still meant something ever so slightly different. The nerd had yet to step, like a shy and nervous gazelle, in to the full light of societal inspection. Instead, the word simply meant someone who was dull. Other synonyms at the time would include "drip" or "square". Man.

Nerd Day Cake

It was the decade of the seventies, one of grace, delicacy and high culture, where the word truly came of age. The decade that gave us The Osmond Phenomenon, Wonder Woman on TV and Gerald Ford as President also brought the word nerd to maturity. Social ineptitude, overt bookishness and an extreme interest in Star Trek came to embody the word. Or vice versa. It was a strange decade.

Nerds Give the Finger

For a long time, for over a decade, the term nerd was not one that anyone - even the true nerd - would wish to have thrown towards them. Nerd Pride was not even nascent and the finger of nerd was spotty, bespectacled and book-toothed. The seventies, THE decade of the stereotype, saw the TV show Happy Days popularize the term like never before, even if its use was not in a fifties fashion (the decade in which the show was set). The Fonz, played by Henry Winkler, is responsible for the misappropriation of the term. May he burn in Hell.

Motivational Poster Nerds

Nerds today should be aware, as they go about their way, of the debate that still surrounds the origin of the term. Many people claim, rightly or wrongly, that they originated it. Science Fiction author Philip K Dick claimed it as his own in 1973, even though he used the alternative spelling "nurd". This was later discovered to be untrue, having appeared in that form as far before as 1965 in a student magazine from Troy, New York. Something of a shame for nerd culture, as only Mr Dick could possibly surpass Dr Seuss in terms of sheer kudos as "High Originator of the Term".

Nerd Tattoo

Although never recorded on paper (an old fashioned medium for education), many maintain that the word derived from the word "drunk" spelled backwards. A "knurd" would be someone who chose to study and be conscientious in their pursuit of academic achievement rather than being a hairy beer-swilling jock (whose very presence at a seat of academic learning makes them a walking talking oxymoron). Another version of the word, "gnurd" was widespread during the early seventies at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. MIT is often considered to be a kind of beacon for the global nerd diaspora, so this may well have some truth in it.

Nerd Pet

Further etymological debate abounds. Some say that the word's origins are inextricably linked with the popular 1930s - 1950s ventriloquist Edgar Bergen. One of his dummies was called Mortimer Snerd and was a very dull witted chap. This is fairly close to the original meaning of the word however it was normally associated with boring rather than stupid. Others speculate that the word was adapted from the 1940s widespread term "nert". This was itself born of the word "nut" and meant someone who was stupid, crazy or both. This is improbable.

Spell-It-Out Nerd

Thanks to the decade that was the seventies, the stereotypical image of the nerd was truly on the rise. In TV and film, the nerd is mostly presented as a white male (though in the UK's "The IT Team" one is Black British) with skin problems, braces and baggy trousers and thick lensed glasses. Some linguists posited the idea of the nerd as "hyper-white" as the depiction of nerds often involved their usage of arcane and old fashioned language. This supposed rejection of African-American oral culture through something approaching linguistic fascism by the nerd herd has, as an idea, been supremely trounced by the inexorable rise of the nerd of color in the nineties and noughties. The rainbow nerd is here to stay.

Nerd Art

Typical of the nerd is their obliviousness to negative perceptions of them by others. When their interests lie in subjects that are of mystery or little interest to others, this was often translated in to disdain and a deliberate attempt to socially exclude them. This disdain has been typically turned on its head as the herd community reached critical mass in the early 1990s. As technology, mathematics and science become more pivotal each year to the survival of Homo sapiens, so the nerds have increasingly become self aware of their own importance to the continuation and constitution of society. Nerd Pride was born. The nerd is King.

Nerd Love

It would be remiss not to mention Star Trek, Star Wars, Stargate and Doctor Who here, pivotal as they are to nerd culture. They are the holy grail of nerd existence and those fully wishing to understand the herd should take time out to study these TV shows in depth. Secondary study can also be found in role-playing games, notably Dungeons and Dragons. Tertiary academic pursuit in the understanding of the nerd should, necessarily involve Comic Book 101 and Trading Cards 101. Without a full and proper knowledge of these three vital strands of their culture, the nerd can never be properly understood or appreciated.

Nerdtivity

Image source

The new century has brought with it new demands and those often best equipped to deal have been the nerds. The era of the nerd is upon us and the tenor of the age is one of celebration, almost, rather than of ostracization. This is the dawning of the age of nerd-quarius. The computer and internet have helped in this and many nerds have accumulated wealth beyond the dreams of avarice as a result. The majority of parents do not now despair if their offspring show signs of nascent nerdiness. Rather, many see the nerd as intelligent, interesting and socially acceptable. Many women see the male nerd as excellent marriage material, due as much to his genetics as his wealth. This evolution in attitudes has happened at the same time as a weakening in the societal emphasis on the negative side of nerd-dom. TV shows such as "Ugly Betty" and "Chuck" show the nerd in a positive - even sexually appealing light.

The Nerd Evolution Timeline

So, we come to the age of the nerds. Darwin versus the Bible is an irrelevance to most nerds as they believe in an alternative evolution (see above). More and more, society in general believes that it is not a bad idea, after all, to be intellectual. Kids' TV shows often encourage young viewers no to care about the anti-intellectual peer pressure of latter day Biffs. Slashdot even has a tagline directed at the community - “News for nerds. Stuff that matters.” Incorrectly attributed to Bill Gates, the quote "Be nice to nerds. Chances are you will end up working for one" has become common currency. There is even, in Spain, a for real Nerd Pride celebration which since 2006 has been celebrated on May 25.

Nerd in ad kitchen

Of course, all this means that there are now huge amounts of people who pretend to be nerds. This can be seen in the rise of Nerdcore as a whole. However, a word of warning to the pseudo-nerd. The real deal can sniff you out as an imposter immediately. If you borrow the image, concept and culture of the nerd so you can stand out as an individual, remember that this is a contradiction in terms to the Nerd de Verity. As such you will be shunned on discovery!

So, the nerd has come a long way in the sixty or so years since the word made its first appearance. What the next sixty years holds is anyone's guess, but it promises to be more than interesting. Where the nerd herd goes next may well determine the future progress of humanity. Only time - and the internet - will tell.

10 Super Silly Signs That You Might See While You're Out

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 05:40:19 PST

Give It a Push From Behind

This sign could indicate that it is safe to push your automobile to safe location off of the road or on the other hand, it could mean that you have found the safe sex rest stop.

Crabs Anyone?

Obviously, this is an advertising billboard intended to promote a restaurant, but let your dirty mind take control, and then this gives the message a whole new meaning.

Restrooms This Way

There cannot be any doubt which restroom is which in this location. It is true that a picture tells a thousand words and whether you pee standing up or sitting down.

Dirty Old Man

This could be a pervert or a stalker roaming around the ladies department, but this is what happens when someone doesn't think their marketing plans all of the way through.

Protest Messages Can Be Confusing

Now is not the time to be calling people dirty little names and if you are referring to Vice President Cheney, then remember, he is armed with loaded weapons and has already proven that he isn't afraid of using them even on his friends.

Call Waiting, Doggy Style

This isn't a sign, but really too funny to pass up. Gives a whole new meaning to the saying “Your always up my butt, so stop already”.

Naughty Politically In-Correct Sign

Speaking out against the government is a no-no, because they have the power and you don't. In full discloser, this message makes a whole lot of sense.

Business Consolidation

This gives a new meaning to dirty laundry and a good reason to go wash a load about 8-times per week.

Bush Country

A wise man once said “Let the signs show you the way”, and then we got stuck with George W Bush.

Story Sign Time

A naughty little story with an actual moral and the signs are pointing the way.

Stupid Things People Do

Sat, 16 Aug 2008 08:36:48 PST

Why do some people do stupid things? I'm not talking about people who are learning disabled or people who are experiencing illness or some other situation where an err in judgment is through no fault of their own. I am talking about the things that perfectly able bodied people do everyday that either pisses us off or makes us laugh. Why do they do these things? Is it ignorance? Inexperience? Stubbornness? Who knows? I will attempt to take a humorous approach at the concept of stupidity. So, read on…..

It has often been stated that ignorance is bliss. Choosing to ignore a problem or situation in order to either avoid getting upset about it or to escape responsibility for it is something that we either learn by experience or something that we are just not aware of.

Think of Edith Bunker, the lovable dingbat from the seventies sitcom “All in the Family”. Her stupidity was more of the innocent type, and I doubt that her character was aware that things often went over her head, or that her elevator did not go to the top floor. Yet, she was able to run her household, raise a daughter who married a meathead, put up with a racist, ignorant, grouch of a husband, and manage to put food on the table each night, all the while keeping a smile on her face, and not having a mean bone in her body.

Then we have the Archie Bunker type (Edith's husband), who insisted that he was always right when he obviously was not, and who was unfairly judgmental of people who were not like himself. He would often try to pronounce big words, and use them for the wrong purpose, and with the wrong spelling and made a fool of himself in the process.

We see people in our everyday life who seem to do things that really irk the heck out of us, and they either don't seem aware that they are doing it, or they don't give a damn. Like the family on line ahead of you in the supermarket whose kids are throwing candy all over the place, opening up packages to take one cookie and putting the rest back, while the mother or father doesn't even seem to notice. Or the person who doesn't look before pulling out of a parking space, and is then surprised that there was an accident. Or the person who doesn't look before they turn a corner when they are walking out of the restroom in a restaurant and then gets angry at the poor waiter who is carrying a large tray of food, which crashes to the floor.

By the way, I have occasionally been guilty of committing stupidity myself!

Types of Stupidity

Corporate Stupidity

Stupidity in the workplace can be committed by both bosses and pee-ons alike. By the way, I use the word pee-on affectionately, since I was one for so many years.

Some stupid things that bosses do:

Not hiring enough people to do a job, or being too cheap to pay to get adequate help. Then wondering why the job isn't getting done, and when one person is out sick or takes vacation, everything falls apart, with the remaining workers left to pick up the slack. As a result, the other workers get overly stressed, and get ill, or they get angry and find another job or just quit without notice.
Promoting a lot of workers within the organization, and not filling their former spots with new employees, leaving the remaining pee-ons to do more work. This is a classic example of “Too many chiefs and not enough Indians”.
Sending top management on expensive business trips, paying for elaborate “business” lunches for the executives, and giving their top brass fancy schmancy offices while placing limits on basic office supplies, such as pens and staplers for the pee-ons.
Not listening to the pee-ons who may have great ideas on how to improve the operations of the company.
Holding too many damn meetings.
Nepotism in small businesses, where only relatives and “friends of the family” get promoted and non-relatives haven't got a chance in hell at being anything other than “the hired help” even if they are brilliant workers.

Some stupid things that pee-ons do:

Using the computer to surf the web during work hours.
Sending dirty jokes in e-mails to other employees.
Making personal phone calls on company time, some of them long-distance.
Calling in sick and then coming in to work the next day with a beautiful suntan.
Showing up for work inappropriately dressed: jeans, really short skirts, or nose rings.
Interviewing for other jobs and giving your current work telephone number for the new prospective employer to contact you.
Faxing resumes to other prospective employers from your current job's fax machine, then leaving it around for others to see.
Not resetting the copier machine back to “1” after making 50 copies.

Elevator Stupidity

Getting on an elevator, and pushing the button to a floor that is already lit up.
Standing way at the back of a crowded elevator when your floor will be the first stop, causing a shuffling of the “mob” each time the elevator stops. .
Stopping the doors from closing on an elevator so that you can get on, then holding the door open, while still carrying on a conversation with another person who is outside the
elevator

Shopping Stupidity

Able-bodied people who drive around a parking lot for 45 minutes in beautiful weather to get the closest parking spot, regardless of what they are buying. They can't be in a hurry, because it would be quicker to just park wherever they can, walk for one minute, and be in and out of the store more quickly.
Asking for a salesperson' help in finding an item, asking for all the sizes and colors the items comes in, and after getting the information, asking if it comes in a different color or size than the salesperson just patiently recited.
Buying something a size too small, then blaming the salesperson when it doesn't fit.
Letting their children play hide and seek in the clothes racks while they shop.
“Forgetting” or misplacing their money, credit card or checkbook after the clerk has already rung up your hundred plus items, thus inconveniencing all of the people behind them in line.

Driver Stupidity

Getting in the left lane and going slow.
Talking on a cell phone, and/or putting on makeup while driving.
Having music blasting so loud that it is impossible to hear anything else, another vehicle's horn beeping or an ambulance or fire truck waiting to get around them.
Speeding up in traffic on a busy city street, then screeching the brakes at each red light instead of just coasting between lights and saving gas (and preventing a potential accident).
Tailgating in heavy traffic and being surprised when an accident occurs.
Not getting out of the way when an ambulance or police car is behind you flashing their lights on their way to an emergency.
Waiting until the last minute to get into the right lane when your exit is coming up.
Stopping in the middle of traffic before making a turn, instead of pulling into the turning lane.
Forgetting to signal before turning.
Leaving the signal on and then NOT turning.
Letting children or the dog hang out the window.
Not securing stuff on top of the car or truck, with the result being a mattress, chicken feathers, or whatever along our nation's beautiful highways.

Television Stupidity

Saying a certain show sucks, then continuing to watch it each week.
Watching a movie just because a certain actor or actress is in it, no matter how bad it is.
NOT watching a movie that MIGHT be really good, just because there are no well-known actors or actresses in it.
Channel surfing with no goal in mind (okay, I HAVE been guilty of this, on occasion).

Telephone Stupidity

Calling a person to chat, then carrying on conversations with your kids or other people who are in the room at the same time.
Giving out credit card numbers, ATM card PIN numbers or your social security number over the phone to anyone who calls, claiming to be from a bank and asking you to confirm your identity.
Leaving a REALLY LONG outgoing message on the answering machine; i.e., instead of saying “we can't come to the phone right now, please leave a message”, they say, “You have reached the Jones residence at 555-1212. James, Cathy, Jimmy and Lisa are currently either out of the house, on the other line, or otherwise indisposed at the moment. If you would be so kind as to leave your name, number, the time you are calling, and what time you would like us to call you back, we will return your call as soon as it is possible. Have a lovely day, and may all your days be bright and shiny ones” (followed by 30 seconds or more of sickening elevator music).
Answering someone else's phone without their permission (especially cell phones).
Placing a call, and when someone answers you say “who is this?”

Pet Stupidity

Buying a cute little puppy then getting rid of it because “it got too big”. Well, duh, if a person wanted a dog that would stay small, surely they HAVE heard of poodles and Chihuahuas, right?
Leaving a pet unattended with a baby or small child.
Getting a new pet and leaving it alone with an existing pet before seeing whether they get along.
Not training a pet, then getting rid of or punishing it for pooping on the floor.
Leaving people food, snacks, etc. within a pet's reach, then spanking the pet for eating the cookies, pizza, or whatever.
Leaving a pet home alone for hours without food or water.
Leaving a pet in a hot car.
Getting a pet because it's the latest trendy pet or because their child wants it, then disposing of it when something newer or better comes along.

Food Stupidity

Wasting food. This includes taking a ton of food at a buffet or at the dinner table when it's clear that the person probably won't finish it all. Don't they know that there are starving children in (fill in whatever third world country is applicable here).
Eating something that you know will give you hives, make you fat, make you sick to your stomach, or otherwise disagrees with you.

Financial Stupidity

Buying an expensive brand name of something just to impress someone when a generic and cheaper version will do the job just fine.
Paying only the minimum on credit cards with high interest rates, and when a windfall, such as a tax return, or whatever, comes along, it gets put it in a savings account with one or two percent interest (ummm, do the math….).

Dating and Relationship Stupidity

Getting bored in a relationship with a reliable, loving person because “the excitement” or “newness” are gone, even if everything else in the relationship is fine. Then getting involved with some badass who breaks their heart. What comes around goes around.
A person who gets jealous whenever their partner notices or talks to someone of the opposite sex, and then does the same thing back for revenge.
Expecting their partner to ALWAYS look put together like actors and actresses on TV, or even attractive people they see on the street or socially. Have they ever stopped to think that even the BEAUTIFUL people may look like crap when they first wake up or when they are overworked, overtired or sick?????
Men who have gotten older, balder and out of shape who expect to get young, gorgeous chicks.
Dating an ex's best friend, cousin or sibling…NOT a good idea.

Sexual Stupidity

Expecting sex to be perfect every time, like on TV. Spontaneity, no reaching for a condom or sponge. Makeup, hair, even breath is perfect. Both partners arrive at their “destination” at exactly the same time. Yeah right.
Not using birth control.
Being sexually promiscuous.

These are just some of the stupid things that people do. I have often wondered why people, who are supposed to be the most intelligent species on earth and are at the top of the food chain sometimes do very stupid things. I have finally come up with a conclusion; it is because they are human. I am even guilty of that!

More Things to Do with Hamsters When You're Bored

Sat, 16 Aug 2008 06:50:57 PST

Play Hide And Seek

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Hamsters love to play hide and seek, although they won't tell you as such. If you have ever owned a hamster you will be only too aware of their predilection for this game. One note for the novice, however. DO not attempt to play hide and seek with your hamster while someone else is doing the vacuuming.
Hammy Fact
The name for a hamster baby is a puppy. Do not get confused while at the pet shop, however. You may end up with a squished hamster and a woeful looking baby canine.
Teach Him the Harmonica

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Hamsters have a musical ear and while you are tucked up in bed, they have been known to form rock groups and go on to world stardom. If you are in any doubt about this, do an image search on Google for the band Oasis. You will soon get the point.
Hammy Fact
Hamsters will eat anything, and that isn't a poor attempt at being rude. Do not make the mistake of buying a plastic cage for your new buddy. It will be beyond repair within a month and it has no value as sustenance.
Take Him to a Karaoke Bar

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While grooming your hirsute pet for super stardom, it is best to allow him (or her) to get some practice in beforehand. A visit to the local karaoke bar will be good practice for their future career. Keep an eye out in the local press for competitions. You will soon be on to a winner.
Hammy Fact
The gestation period for a hamster is anything between sixteen and thirty days. Read it and weep, ladies. Yes, our cuddly chums are almost as quick as Morticia Addams. “Gomez, I'm having a baby. Now.”
Take Him for a Makeover and Photo Shoot

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Hamsters are natural show offs so something you might consider doing if the pair of you are bored is to take him for a makeover and a photo shoot. You may have to suffer a few prima donna histrionics, but the end result will be worth it. Plus, the pictures may well make good publicity shots for when you enter your pet for “Hamster's Got Talent”.
Hammy Fact
Male hamsters are called bucks and female hamsters are called does. Several were recently arrested trying to film an adult remake of Bambi. What they tried to do with Thumper cannot be published here.
Bore the Hamster

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Misery loves company, so if you are bored, tell the hamster the worst jokes you can think of. Regale the furry friend with tales of your child hood traumas - or even better, fill him in on the latest dark experiences you have had while looking for Mister Goodbar. Expect a fully sympathetic and measured response. As above.
Hammy Fact
Hamsters will eat anything. Or at least, they will attempt to eat it, hence the previous warning above. However, they are allergic to one thing - and oddly enough that is cedar. Go figure.
Have A Friend Round For Dinner

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Hamsters may not necessarily be the most friendly fur balls when it comes to members of their own species, but they enjoy good company and conversation. Why not invite some friends over for dinner? They will no doubt be impressed by your clever choice of new friends. One note though, if your guest have names like “Mrs Tickles”, “Bongo” or “Sushi” you should reconsider the whole dinner thing. Menus often get confused in the heat of the moment.
Hammy Fact
If your dwarf hamster gets pregnant, you can determine the sex of her offspring by changing the temperature. A hotter environment will mean more girls, cooler will mean more boys. Some hope for the species with global warming stalking us like a great big giant stalky thing, then.
Introduce Him to Jack Daniels

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If the only friends you have are feline and the dinner date is out of the question, then why not introduce him to your friend Jack? Why rodents shouldn't experience the full gamut of life's little mistakes is a contentious question. Beware, though, when under the influence of Mister Daniels, do not take the hamster to the Karaoke competition. Unless you want a permanent ban from your favorite watering hole and stains on your clothes.
Hammy Fact
Hamsters cannot be spayed or neutered - and as such are the envy of the pet world. However, they are very, very fertile. So beware, they go straight to third base on the first date and as such should always have an adult escort present when meeting the opposite sex,
Tell Him The Republicans Are Going To Win Again

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Hamsters are natural democrats - They await victory. Unfortunately, the last election was such a disaster that the leader of the Democratic Party had to stand down. Anyway, enough about Barbara Streisand. Tell the little Wheel Runner that they have won again and watch his little face fall. Then….
Hammy Fact
Hamsters' nails can get too long very quickly. If you are careful, you can clip the nails yourself. Do not allow your four year old child to do this as a hamster with no legs cannot run. If you put a little sandpaper on their wheel, this is an alternative way to keep your hamster's nails short and possibly less dangerous for the little guy.
Tell Him You Were Only Joking

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You will get a very happy hamster. This joy will last a while, but don't be fooled. Revenge is a meal best eaten cold and hamsters know this only too well. Expect a sharp nip when you are least expecting it!
Hammy Fact
You can buy hamster chew sticks, but sometimes the hamsters will go against type and not try to eat them. If you have a dog, give them a dog biscuit. It will help keep their choppers a reasonable size. Dogs with a penchant for jealousy should not be informed where their biscuits are going. It can lead to confrontation and the dog usually wins - by a mouthful.

Olympics of Animals

Wed, 13 Aug 2008 05:50:54 PST

Running Race

Gold medal winner: Cheetah

Record: 101 km/h

Cheetah is the fastest running animal in the world that can run at a speed of 101 km/h, which is 2½ times as fast as humans. A human can run at the speed of 40 km/h. An average human athlete can complete a 100 meters running race in 9 to 10 seconds, whereas cheetah can reach the same distance within 3.5 seconds. Cheetah can finish the 400 meters running race within 16 seconds whereas human takes ~45 seconds to finish.

Silver medal winner: Pronghorns antelope Deer

Record: 98 km/h

Bronze medal winner: Kangaroo and Ostrich

Record: 72 km/h

Weightlifting

Gold medal winner: Rhinoceros beetle

Image credit: Extreme science

Record: The rhinoceros beetle can carry 850 times its own weight, even an African elephant can carry up to 25% of its own weight. That would be like a person of 70 kilograms carrying 59,000 kilograms weight.

Silver medal winner: Leaf-cutter ant

Image credit: Bristol Zoo garden

Record: Leaf-cutter ant can carry pieces of leaf that weigh 50 times its own weight. When compared to human, this is equivalent to pulling of a car for 8 kilometers with his teeth.

Bronze medal winner: Trapdoor spider

Image credit: Wikimedia commons

Record: Trapdoor spider can carry 40 times its own weight.

High Jump

Gold medal winner: Froghopper

Image credit: Wikimedia commons

Record: This small insect is a world champion in high jump. This can hop 100 times more than its size (hurl upwards 70 centimeters into the air). To compete with insect a human would have to jump 210 meters. This insect accelerates from the ground with a force that is 400 times greater than gravity whereas humans can only jump with a force that is three times that of gravity.

Silver medal winner: Locust

Record: Locusts can jump 70 cm that is equivalent to a human jumping 18 meters.

Bronze medal winner: Fleas

Image credit: How stuff works

Record: Though it cannot fly it can jump 7 to 10 inches high that is many times to their height.

100 meters free style swimming

Gold medal winner: Sailfish

Record: The speed of sailfish is 110km/h which is the highest speed reported in a fish. Sailfish can swim 100 meters within 3.6 seconds. The previous Olympic record of human for 100 meters free style swimming is 47.24 seconds.

Silver medal winner: Shark

Record: Shark swims 100 meters in 7.2 seconds while hunting at the speed of 50km/h.

Bronze medal Winner: Blue whales

Record: Blue whales can swim 100 meters within 7.5 seconds at the speed of 48km/h.

Long Jump

Gold medal winner: Flea

Image credit: How stuff works

Record: Flea can jump over thirteen inches long, that is about 150 times its body length that is equivalent to a person jumping nearly a 1000 feet. The acceleration of a flea when jumping is 50 times faster than a space shuttle. If fleas were the size of humans, they would be able to jump over the St. Paul's Cathedral in London 600 times in 3 days.

Silver medal winner: Grasshopper

Record: Grasshopper can jump 30 inches that is up to 20 times the length of its body. This is equivalent to a person jumping an entire football field in a single bound.

Bronze medal winner: Cricket

Record: Crickets are able to jump about 3 feet in to the air that is up to 20 times their body length.

Marathon

Winner: Arctic Tern bird