George Washington worried about being buried alive that was so extreme it was phobic.  It worried him so much that his last words were "Have me decently buried, but do not let my body be put into a vault in less than two days after I am dead....Tis well." 

Socrates was an ancient Greek philosopher who is to this day revered for his wisdom.  He died of hemlock poisoning.  As paralysis from the drug swept through him his last words were "I owe a cock to Ascelepius; will you repay him?"

Christopher Columbus is of course famous for his discovery of North America.  Unfortunately, he suffered from ill health that left him so weak that he had to be carried off his ship at the end of his last voyage.  At the moment of his death he uttered "Into Thy hands, O Lord, I commend my spirit."

Giovanni Casanova is known to be a great womanizer who eventually died due to the complications of venereal disease in 1798 at the age of 73.  His last words were ironically, "Bear witness that I have lived as a philosopher and die as a Christian."

Jane Austen suffered from Addison's disease which also afflicted John F. Kennedy.  She was in a lot of pain before she died in 1897 at the age of 41.  When asked what might relieve her suffering she said "I want nothing but death."  These were the last words she uttered before dying.

Lord Byron died of Malaria in 1824 at the age of 36.  His last words were "The damned doctors have drenched me so that I can scarcely stand.  I want to sleep now."

Ludwig Van Beethoven died of Cirrhosis of Liver in 1827 at the age of 57.  He had asked for a glass of wine, but when it still had not arrived at his moment of death he uttered "Pity, pity - too late!"

Walt Whitman died at the age of 73 in 1892.  He was Known for his fiery temper and remained a bachelor all his life.  Turn of the century biographers pointed out that he "bathed in eau-de-cologne", and hinted to his feminine characteristics.  He boasted on this deathbed "Garrulous to the very last."

Guy de Maupassant was a celebrated 19th century French writer who knew for quite sometime that he was dying.  He said of his impending death, "I don't want to survive myself."

Edgar Allan Poe died at the age of 40 in 1849.  He suffered from Diabetes and was and alcoholic.  Morbid to the end, his last words were "Lord, help my poor soul."  On his gravestone, he instructed them to engrave "Quoteth The Raven, Nevermore", referring to his famous and frightening poem The Raven.

Charles Darwin was known for his controversial Theory of Evolution.  His life was plagued by chronic illnesses.  He died in 1882 at the age of 73 from a heart attack.  His last words were  "I am not the least afraid to die."

Oscar Wilde was as flamboyant in real life as his writing.  Laying in his deathbed penniless and sipping champagne, he quipped "I am dying as I've lived; beyond my means."  Then he glanced around the room and said his very last words - "This wallpaper is killing me.  One of us has got to go."

Rudolph Valentino was a screen idol and "great lover" in the 1920's.  His death in 1926 at the age of 31 was most unexpected and sudden.  As he lay dying from a perforated gastric ulcer and peritonitis for a ruptured appendix, died immediately after saying "Don't pull down the blinds!  I want the sun to greet me."

Thomas Edison was the inventor of the light bulb and died in 1931 at the age of 84. After laying in a coma for two days, he awoke and promptly died after saying "It is very beautiful over there."

1. Whatever you do, do not miss the boat - Missing the boat could be missing the opportunity of a life time and you really don’t want to miss that.
2. Just remember we are all in the same boat - whether we are old or young, rich or poor, we are all in the same situation - just trying to live life to the fullest.
3. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark, so always plan ahead -planning ahead for a rainy day, whether it’s just keeping a lot of games in the closet or money in the bank, will always see you through.
4. Stay healthy and fit because Noah wasn’t young when he built the ark - Noah was about 60 years old, when he built the Ark. Noah didn’t know he was going to be asked to do something big, and you might not either.
5. Just do the job that needs to be done and ignore the critics - there is always going to be someone who has an opinion, but keep your eyes on what you are doing and ignore them.
6. Your future needs to be built on high ground.
7. Always travel in pairs as it is the safer way to go.
8. The snails where next to the cheetahs so speed isn’t always better - If you rush, you may make mistakes so take your time and do it right the first time.
9. Float awhile if the stress gets to high - hang out and relax when life gets rough. If you work yourself up, you won’t get anywhere.
10. The Titanic was built by professionals, but the Ark was built by amateurs.

Lastly, 11, At the end of the storm, there is always a rainbow.

When life seems too hard, too stressful, or too fast, just think of Noah’s Ark because everything you need to know about life is right there.

This tactic works perfectly against most big, sluggish opponents. The tactic works like this: You hit them and you run away as fast as you can. Easy right? I Repeat, this tactic ONLY works on big, sluggish opponents. I also like to switch it up every now and then. Sometimes I use my car and also perform a hit and run. Although that method is not quite legal it does send a message their way. That message is: don't mess with me cause i'll run you over with my car.

Death Touch

This works PERFECTLY for any situation. If a attacker comes at you all you have to do is perform the mighty death touch and he's out. Although a problem does come up quite often when they actually die from the death touch. Just remember to use it sparingly like maybe once or twice.... a week.

Go for the Balls

I don't suggest this because I would hate to get hit down below, BUT if I'm in a fight against another man I'm going for the weak points first. As Sun Tzu once said "Thou Shalt hit thy balls if thy is against me" or something like that.

Kamehameha wave

This works every single time. Whether it be against your school bully or against the mega, ultra, destroyer of worlds, alien from another universe. The only dilemma is that this technique takes centuries to learn for a human, but if you're from another planet like Vegeta then take advantage of this skill immediately.

Gain Superpowers

This seems simple enough, Radioactive slop + animal of your choice + you = New super powered you. I suggest either bathing in radioactive waste to gain super strength like the Hulk, or bathing a spider in radioactive waste and getting it to bite you like Spider Man. Although the chances you might get cancer or die is high, there still is that SLIM chance of gaining that superpower you always wanted right? Plus with superpowers you don't need to learn how to fight you just WIN.

Call a Bodyguard

This one works if you've got the cash to afford one. Why fight when you can pay someone else to do it for you? Besides fighting and protecting your butt, your bodyguard might just teach you a valuable lesson or you might just fall in love with your bodyguard. Either way it's worth the investment if you have loads of problems and cash.

Throw Sand in the Eyes

I learned this from the movie Bloodsport's Chong Li. Although he did lose in the movie, if you really do throw some sand in your opponents eyes they won't have the same sense like Van Damme did in the movie. Trust me I've done this several different times just throw sand and proceed to kick major butt. Before the fight also try and remember to look menacing by yelling "You are nex!"

WARNING: This article is a joke and not meant to be taken seriously I do not honestly suggest doing any of these tactics. I wrote this article for a laugh and I hope you had one. Please do not do any of these in a real fight.

• (a) 1 - 6 times a day, but I manage to keep them well hidden and pretend it's someone else.
• (b) 7 - 14 times a day, they just pop out when I laugh, sneeze, or bend over.
• (c) 15 - 20 times a day and I don't care who's around.

 

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Pain

• (a) I am not in any pain, the alcohol hasn't worn off yet.
• (b) I have a pain that moves around in different places on my body every day.
• (c) I can predict the weather from my pains.

 

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Sight

• (a) I have 20/20 vision, but I don't read much.
• (b) I'd have 20/20 vision if I squint hard enough.
• (c) Visions? When? Who had them? Stay away from the light! They only want you dead so they can spend your cash.

 

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Music

• (a) My music is not loud, it's just different.
• (b) Most young people play their music too loudly.
• (c) Most people play their music too quietly.

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Driving

• (a) I'll be there in an hour.
• (b) Two hours, depending on traffic. I should get there in time for a cup of tea before we start.
• (c) Where is it I'm meant to be going?

 

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Crushes

• (a) Oh, I've got such a big crush on him.
• (b) Crushes are overrated.
• (c) I don't crush the pills, I just take them whole, with water.

 

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Memory

• (a) I can't remember how much I paid for it. Doesn't really matter, it looks good on me.
• (b) I paid £6. 79 for it. I got 20% knocked off in the sale.
• (c) When I was 10 years old, it cost £ 3.95. They don't make them like that anymore.

 

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By the way, if you've picked c in any of these, you're not getting old, you've already arrived.  In that case, welcome oldie, and watch that bucket, you don't want to trip over it on your way in!

The Candidates Agree on a Few Things

Sure they do.  I know that this may not seem like an excellent point, but if you adore your boy, you may have to find some common ground.  Obama and McCain both support the death penalty, embryonic stem cells, guns background check, Homeland Security Patriot Act, Immigration paths for illegals, Immigration border fence, and Iran sanctions.  It is also quite obvious that Obama and Palin both enjoy spending time with the elders.  Oh, that’s right Palin is running for Vice Presidency.  Either way, that has to be a plus.

On the other side they both oppose energy & oil ANWR drilling, Homeland Security Guantanamo, Homeland Security Torture, Homeland Security Wiretapping, same-sex marriage, and same-sex constitutional ban.  So as you are engaged in a discussion about abortion, perhaps, if you really like this young man, you could shift the conversation, very coyly, to a topic that both candidates can even agree on. 

How Good is the Sex – Really?

If the sex is really good I am afraid that you are in over your head.  If McPoliticy drives you crazy and as Meredith might say, you can’t stop “thinking about his tongue,” you are really going to have to weigh this out.  I know it is tough because you are living with values that your parents have morphed into your minds over the years as a child, but your parents are not responsible for your relief of stress through orgasm; McPoliticy is.  I know that you believe in certain things to your very core and that is where you might have to draw the line.  Just be careful, election time comes but once every four years.  The two of you could be happily married with two children by 2012.

You have a Month to Change Him

If none of the preceding stuff seems to make sense, remember, you have about a month to change his mind.  If your lover is really devoted to his candidate, you will have to do a sneak attack.  You cannot, I repeat, cannot go into heavy competition mode.  This is the work of little gestures, fine detail, and gentle petting.  I first suggest making a cd of your voice whispering soft suggestions to manipulate his thinking once he has fallen asleep.  Remember we are going in under the radar.  Try some reverse psychology by mentioning a few positive comments about things that he might contradict.  “Well at least I know that if we got pregnant you are against abortion.”  Or “I sure think it’s great that we still have troops in Iraq.”  Finally, as the day approaches, and McPoliticy is wavering, go in for the kill with sexual favors if needed.  Just remember to be careful with what you promise as you will not be allowed in the voting booth with him.

1. Air filters. Why don't we just stop polluting so much or move? The only reason we need an air filter is because we dirty the very air we rely on to live! This doesn't make much sense, how do other animals survive if we need artificial air, we are being kind of unfair are we not?
2. Weight lifting and exercise machines. Okay, this is a serious issue, we spend trillions yearly on exercise machines. Why don't we go split out own wood? Walk to work or to shop? Why do we spend the time we save by driving to work and ordering pre-split wood to go use a gym or exercise machine? There is literally millions of things like this we cut corners to save time and avoid exercise to make time for the gym, that is a double negative my friend, and those of us who payed attention in English class know that that is a waste of time!
3. Mowing the lawn. go buy a goat!
4. Fish Farms. Can't we just not pollute our water so that more fish can survive then we won't need fish farms!
5. Compost bins. These have always mystified me as they seem to serve absolutely no purpose. They work if you are depositing exactly 1 ice cream bucket of household compost a day and using that much dirt on a weekly basis! What is wrong with a nice little pile where you dump the new stuff at one end and use the dirt from the other, it is free, works better, not made of plastic to further harm the environment and it is a waste of money! Get real! Make a pile!
6. Pooper Scoopers. Seriously, just curb it or go for a walk in the woods, there are fungi and bugs that need poop to live, why are we scooping it?
7. Pesticides. If we didn't insist on growing things where they are not meant to be grown we would not need pesticides as pests that eat it don't live where it naturally grows! Why must we argue with nature!

Saturday 4^th October is World Smile Day. A smile is formed by flexing the muscles around the mouth and in some people this spreads to those around the eyes too. It is usually an expression of happiness and pleasure when humans do it but it can be a sign of stress.

The human smile is seen in all cultures and parts of the world and it is perhaps the only thing that really unites us and bonds us together as human beings. It is rare that a smile fails to get a friendly response. Say it with a smile, no matter what language you speak and you will communicate.

What makes you smile? Babies, animals, people you love, your pet dog, or maybe spending time on your favourite hobby. What ever the cause, make the most of it. It spreads.

Photo credit: blog.doctissimo.fr

What ever made this man laugh so much it wasn't seeing himself in the mirror. Those teeth obviously aren't causing him too many problems either.

Photo credit: fapms.org

This guy is literally creased up laughing. Do i detect a mischievous look in his eyes? This is how a real smile should look. He uses all his facial muscles. Peace man!

Photo credit: Wikipedia.com

This naughty smile conceals some equally naughty thoughts if this lady's eyes are anything to go by. I wonder what she's looking at. Any guesses?

Photo credit: fida.nomadlife.com

Talk about the cat that got the cream. This little fellow looks really pleased with himself. He's really cute but I'm not quite sure that it's wise to trust a smiling cat. They seem to adopt that smiley friendly look to lull us into a sense of false security.

Photo credit: plainadvice.com

I don't know how this one got in here. This smile says it all, 'Trust me I'm a politician!'

Photo credit: nerepublican.com

A picture paints a thousand words and these two are obviously sharing a joke or two. Um! Which one is the politician?

Photo credit: all4humor.com

'What do you mean you don't get the joke? If you could see what I can see, you'd fall off your chair laughing!'

Photo credit: deviantart.com

Photo credit: swapmeetdave.com

'I have absolutely no idea what's wrong with him. It wasn't me I didn't do it. Infact I did nix, nada, nothing at all.'

Photo credit: allposters.com

This is my favourite and it's so very true!

Texting is a wonderful, modern, quick and easy way of communicating - however, the consequences of pressing the “send” button before checking exactly what your phone has interpreted to be your intended wording, can be catastrophically embarrassing.

I speak from painful experience….

1. Only last week, on my way to work, after being in a stationary queue for 25 minutes on the car-park which is the M6, worried that my colleagues at work would be beginning to slag me off for my unauthorised absence, I sent a quick text to my boss.

It was only later, when I arrived at the front door of my office, I noticed what message my boss would have received from me

“Will be a bit late, Stuck in massive Steve” !!??!!

My phone had taken q u e u e and kindly transformed it into s t e v e (same buttons).

It took some time to explain that I was late due to traffic and not because of my participation of a weird sex game with a bloke called Steve.

2. Oddly enough, the boss that I sent message 1 to, was the same boss that, one year earlier, I requested a couple of days off to visit my brother on the island of Jersey - at the end of my trip, the island was engulfed in thick fog, and my flight was unexpectedly cancelled.

In the ensuing confusion, aware that I would not be at work as arranged the following Monday morning, I texted my boss.

“Won't be in tomorrow, stuck in dog”

Is it any wonder I often catch my boss eying me suspiciously.

3.  I was visiting a new restaurant, an elderly aunt had booked a table there the following night - so she asked me to report on the quality of the food etc.

After the meal I texted her details of the wonderful food and ended the text telling her that I had

“tossed it off with a bottle of red wine”

T o p p e d is what I typed - honestly.

4. My mum had spent weeks arranging a large family party, being fussy, and knowing that I am often late, she sent me a text asking me if I was ready and had I set off yet.

I sent her one back…..

“I have got aids”

I had to explain to my frantic mother that I had typed the word “a g e s”

5. My other half was amused a few weeks ago when I sent him a text

“will you sick up something for lunch”

He sent one back saying that he would, and it would still be preferable to my cooking!

Luckily, mobile phone technology has advanced, and many new models have a full keyboard on them - making predictive text obsolete, I really think that I ought to invest in one.

Even so, typing can be equally dangerous - A few years ago, I posted out a detailed document to a prestigious client, I recoiled in horror to see that I had missed the letter “O” out of the title - which was - “Statement of Account”. !!!

Maybe my typo was accurate!

You figured things would be different when you had your kids. Your mother warned you about the lack of sleep you'd be getting and all the crying that your baby would be doing. But no, You thought you were different. You were going to get your baby on a schedule and you'd read up on all the tricks to soothe the fuss out of your baby. Yeah right.

The demands of being a parent are exhausting. You have to be an entertainer, teacher, janitor, cook, maid, plumber, and psychologist. You need to be able to go from 0-60, to be able to entertain the babes and make a fool of yourself if necessary, as well as fix gadgets that somehow mysteriously broke by themselves. By the end of the day, you're ready for a well deserved nap; if you can get one.

So you want to have more than one? As if the first one wasn't a sign of things to come. Be prepared for all the screaming and fighting between your wonderful little “angels.” One minute they'll love each other. Then before you know it, they'll be at each other's throats like piranhas at an all you can eat buffet.

I don't know what's worse, changing a nasty poo diaper, or cleaning up a kid who's decided to make Picasso art out of their food. Either way, the likelihood of you cleaning up both ends is 100 %. The hubby always has a convenient excuse for skipping out on the mess-control.

Before you potty train your little one, you will have used about 8 diapers a day, 365 days out of the year, for at least 2 ½ years. That's nearly 7,000 diapers. You'll be up to your arms in poo.

So you have a mountain of laundry, dirty dishes, and house cleaning to do. You can't remember the last time you took a shower. The kids have been screaming all day, and actually made you find a safe place to curl into the fetal position and cry for your own mommy. Now your husband announces that he wants to make sexy time? You're kidding right? He knows exactly where he can stick it.

The job of parenting will always be long-term, no matter when you kick them out. The position of being a parent will never change. Communication and patience are key, especially when tantrums are inevitable (on both sides). But remember, you're the parent.

While there are no holidays, time-outs, or compensation for your efforts, the job of being a parent has its own rewards. You get unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses (when they want to). And while the job will always be difficult, the end results are worth it, because there will be more good days than bad. Besides, there's nothing greater in life than spreading forth your demon spawn!

With 700 billion dollars you can start looking at what countries to buy. Some countries within your price range include Denmark, Peru, Nepal, and Iceland. Just be careful buying a country would take a big chunk out of you money so shop smart.

Laugh at Bill Gates

You could laugh at bill gates and rub it in his face that you have over 12 times as much money as him. Please only 56 billion what a joke.

Write 301 Million Checks

The US population is about 301,000,000 which mean that you could pay everybody in the united states around 2325 dollars. But seriously whats someone going to do with a measly 2 grand.

Get Some Wheels

The going rate for a Lamborgini is 279,000 which mean you could buy 2,508961. You would probably need a bigger driveway.

Bailout Wall Street

This is probably the most boring choice you could make but hey why not if you have the money. Oh that's right they don't.