1. Do Not buy anything

2. Do Not Eat

3. Do Not buy gas

4. Do Not own a home

5. Live in the park

6. Do Not listen to the news

Ask Rebecca for Advice, she has the answers you need.

OK, Now you are probably thinking what everyone else is thinking, "Double ewe tee eff."
If this is your reaction, you obviously haven't put much thought into it. Like classic films such as Killer Klowns from Outer Space, Xanadu, and From Justin to Kelly, you must look deep into the symbolism of the work.

First, let's analyze the premise.

Jerry Seinfeld (90's superstar) see's Bill Gates (head of 90's super company) trying on shoes in a discount shoe store, Shoe Circus.

Seinfeld helps Gates pick the right shoes by suggesting larger sizes, wearing them in the shower, etc. He also mistakes "leather," for Gates' toe.

After deciding that the proper shoe size is 10 (or X?), Gates pays with his Platinum Big Top Card showing a photo the younger and arguably geekier Gates. Seinfeld inquires about the benefits of using the card, to which Gate's replies, "Big Top Points."
As they leave the store, Seinfeld asks if his Gates' mind is still controlling the minions at Microsoft. Gates replies in the affirmative.

Seinfeld asks if Microsoft will ever release a product that will makes computers moist and squishy. Gates answers in an agreed upon secret response - he shifts his underpants.
Now let's analyze the ad and look for the secret symbolism.
Seinfeld is walking through the mall eating a single churro when he sees Bill Gates in Shoe Circus. This is interesting on many levels.

First, Gates and Seinfeld are both shopping in the mall. Gates to buy shoes and Seinfeld to buy a churro. The shoe store is a discount shoe store, not a fancy shoe store. That said, the employees are older men and their don't appear to be any tennis shoes in the store (however there are sandals in the background).

In other words, something that is sold to the average consumer at a lower price does not have to mean that the item in of lower quality. Power and status do not have to be sacrificed for being practical and thrifty. Notice the jab at Apple? Of course you did.
Seinfeld is, as we mentioned, eating a single churro. Upon entering the store, he offers Gate's his churro - after he has taken a bite. There are two things strange about this. First, where do you buy a single churro? Aren't they always sold in twos? Second, Seinfeld is a known clean freak (see the toothbrush episode) and most clean freaks are also ego centric in the psychological sense. This means that Seinfeld would most likely think of Bill Gates eating his pre-tasted churro would, in some way, taint himself. Why would he then offer it?

Analysis and symbolism behind the churro is a complex and important jab at Apple. The only good Apple computer is one that is brand new, purchased at an Apple store and paid full price for. At the same time, Windows can be added to budget systems. In fact, Windows users pride themselves on buying or building powerful systems as inexpensively as possible. Call that a roundhouse kick to Apple's face!

The jab fest has only just begun as Gates tries on shoes. What is interesting here is that Seinfeld takes over the shoe store employee's place as he helps Gates try on each pair of shoes. He also demonstrates his vast knowledge of the current stock, recommending the advantages of the "Conquistador."

They discuss the tightness of the shoes - especially the left shoe. Seinfeld explains, "They'll stretch." Gates, continues to shop for a pair that fits better. Seinfeld explains that wearing the shoes in the shower will help them stretch. He continues this by recommending that he wear all of his clothes in the shower because you are dressed and clean.

The analysis and symbolism probably don't even need to be provided here, but for those who are a little dense in their ability to interpret obvious clues, we will provide it anyway.
Seinfeld helping Gates pick out shoes is a pulverizing hit to the stomach of Apple. Mac computers can only be truly sold and serviced by Apple. Windows however, can be sold and repaired by your 16-year-old nephew. There is likely a Windows expert in your own household or immediate circle of friends or next to you in line at Wal-mart.

Seinfeld recommends the "Conquistador." Conquistadors fight bulls. Microsoft is a bull.

Therefore Apple is the conquistador in this analogy. While Apple users will not agree that the OS X platform is stiff (Gates' accusation), Microsoft is suggesting that customizing the Apple platform is as difficult and impractical as wearing your clothes in the shower.
When Gates finally decides on a pair of shoes, it is stated four times that the size is 10. Is there any coincidence that Apple runs on OS X and that Mac loyalists insist on calling it "OS ten" not OS "ex?"

While paying for the shoes, Gates uses his Shoe Circus Clown Club card. The card is merely a shopping card that provides benefits for frequent shoppers - it is not a credit card. The photo comes equipped with a photo of the young genius Gates, not the old retired Gates. The benefits of using the card are Big Top Points. The card expires in 09.

Don't even pretend that you don't understand this. The message to Apple is so devastating. It is obvious that what Microsoft is telling people is that you can buy Microsoft products from any vendor you want and even buy on sale. The only way to get any deals from Apple, is to purchase their machines at Best Buy and apply their Reward Zone program that awards $5 in gift certificates for every $250 spent there. Microsoft is telling Apple that their stores are nothing more than a price-fixed con.

Gates and Seinfeld leave the mall together and THEY BOTH HAVE NEW CHURROS! Seinfeld inquires as to whether Gates has mind melded his Jupiter brain with the Saturn ring brains of Microsoft."I have," states Gates.

Seinfeld's curiosity is piqued as he asks the age old question, "Just wondering, are they ever going to come out with something that will make our computers moist and chewy like cake so we can just eat 'em while we're working? If it's yes, give me a signal, adjust your shorts." Gates proceeds to do a one quarter hula hip spin to which Seinfeld replies, "Oh, I knew it!"

By now, the symbolism is seeping from all sides like in the classic film that everyone has seen, "Dark Water." Our sincere apologies for stating the obvious here, but we must explain the symbolism so this article can be ended logically.

Churros are delicious. If given the choice between eating churros or fruit, most people would not hesitate in choosing the churros. Do you see where this is going?

As Seinfeld eats a churro, he asks if Microsoft will ever produce a product that is as delicious as cake (if he were to say churro, Apple could start a lawsuit due to the blatant brand attack).

Apples are not moist and chewy, they are crunchy and not covered with cinnamon and sugar (or icing if we use the cake argument). In other words, Seinfeld is asking if Microsoft will ever make a better product that Apple.

Gate's confirming signal was a shift of the waist to adjust his underpants. This shows how subtle Microsoft is in their superiority to Apple. If Steve Jobs were to adjust his skivvies as a symbol, he would do it by saying to Seinfeld, "Oh, and one more thing..." Then he would reach around and pull the wedgie out.

Gates is demonstrating that Microsoft handles new products and announcements with class and they know how to slowly ease the public into new product announcements. Apple makes a gotty show their product announcements and always keep the public guessing what they are up to.

The signal of adjusting his briefs in such a subtle but confirming fashion, was a symbol of the beta tests, screenshot leaks, and closed-door demonstrations that Microsoft uses to get the public excited about their new products.

Actually, after writing this, the analysis was probably all wrong and it was simply, like Seinfeld the show, a commercial about nothing.

Plymouth, MA - After some initial confusion stemming from the fact that the Mayflower had sailed from Plymouth only to arrive in Plymouth, the ship full of British Separatists (Pilgrims) were greeted by the locals in the New World (Savages) with much shouting of nonsense words and brandishing of spears.

“They seemed happy to see us,” said Mayflower security Chief Miles Standish.

The natives were so eager to greet the new arrivals that they embarked to the shores without stopping to put on clothes.

Having produced a spokesman who could communicate in English, the Natives assured the Pilgrims that they came in peace, and in fact did not own the land upon which they stood.

Spokesmen from both groups predict a happy, long-term relationship between the groups, since the newcomers have asserted that “we all keep our promises.”

New Colonists Promise an Era of Religious Tolerance

Salem, MA - Leadership in the English colonies of the New World promise a tolerance of religious freedom unheard of in other parts of the British Empire.

“Everyone here will be free to be Calvinist Protestants,” said Prudence Hanson, spokesman for the Salem League for Religious Freedom.

Locals demonstrated their new liberal attitude by expelling Jews, Quakers, Catholics, dissenters, and atheists from their towns.

Accused witches and other religious dissenters were free to renounce their dealings with Satan before getting to choose whether to be hung or pressed to death with stones.

“Such choices were never allowed in the Old Country,” Hanson commented, “we feel we have taken Religious tolerance to the next level here.”

Accused witch Ann Rothschild offers a different view. “AAAahhhh…” she exclaimed before dying under several hundred pounds of stone.

Sudden Disappearance of Native Populations Explained

Boston, MA - The lack of “Native Color” noted in urban areas of the English colonies was dismissed by Minister of Public Information Ephram Hutchkis. “They must have all gone on Holiday,” he explained with a dismissive wave of his hand.

African Travelers Complain About Cruise Line Conditions

Charleston, NC - Newly arrived colonists from the distant land of Africa were appalled by conditions in the cruise ships responsible for their transport to the New World. One passenger, identified only as “Scipio”, complained “they put is in a hold chained to hundreds of others with no food for weeks at a time.”

Representatives of the cruise line responded by indicating “you pay for third-class steerage, you get third-class steerage.”

Jimmy Cracks Corn; Apathy Ensues

Savannah, GA - Despite frequent public attempts, Jimmy's cracking of corn failed to elicit the hoped-for response from the local slaves. “I don't care,” said one, “my Master's gone away.” The whereabouts of the master are currently unknown.

Looming War With the French Elicits Expected Response

Boston, MA - Red-faced and gasping, Captain Orin Martindale of the Massachusetts Militia responded to the threat of a War with the French over holdings in the Northwest Territories. “You're kidding, right,” he asked “they've probably surrendered already”.

Colonel Washington from Virginia was similarly amused. “I suppose you're going to tell me that they've employed the natives to help them…bloody gits.”

Brandishing a banner emblazoned with the theme “Mission Accomplished”, Colonel Washington assured onlookers that the war would be over in no time, and not become a seven-year debacle with many lives and resources wasted.

“We'll smoke them out of their holes,” Washington promised the vociferous crowds.

1. If someone looks evil, they are evil.

   I don’t care how flattering or sweet the giant singing octopus creature is. The second she starts glaring around or laughing incessantly, I’m out. The same goes for cheerful prisoners who somehow know the way out of a prison, yet they remain inside. Doesn’t something just seem a little bit off? And if a kindly old crone who looks like a toilet after a frat party offers you an apple, don’t take it. You don’t need the carbs anyway.

2. Happily ever after only happens if you’re at least half an orphan.

   Snow White? Orphan. Aladdin? Orphan. Simba? See you later Mufassa. Is anyone sensing a trend here. It would seem that the only way to achieve immortal happiness at the end of a Disney movie is to suffer immensely earlier on. Yeah. That’s real balanced.

3. All animals talk.

   Except in Pocahontas. But don’t worry, in that one the trees talk. 

4. This one is actually more of a question.

   How would the little Mermaid make babies if she remained a mermaid? Now, I’m assuming they lay eggs as fish would, which makes sense to me I guess. But imagine Ariel’s surprise on her honeymoon night when a different type of eel attacked her.

5. It takes approximately 12 seconds for Disney characters to fall in love.

   It takes less time if they make eye contact first.

6. Every mortal Disney characters is somehow connected to royalty.

   We’ve gout our princes, princesses, kings, sultans, etc. Hell, we even had the Queen of Hearts. 

7. The Disney Channel blows.

   I don’t care who is starring in the next Disney Channel original movie. Oh, wait, it’s Topanga from Boy Meets World? Scratch that, I am so there.

8. Tinkerbell’s a b*tch.

   Why do so many people like her?

9. Scar is by far the most effective Disney villain.

   Why? Because he actually has the balls to kill someone. Every other Disney villain: plot a scheme, attempt to carry scheme out, be defeated by the hero. But Scar: plot a scheme, carry out scheme, pin tragedy on the hero. What a fucking baller. I realize his crime caught up with him in the end, but he had about ten years of evil glee to go around. Well done, Scar. Well done.

10. Disney is not suitable for children.

    I don’t care if any of the “penis on the cover of The Little Mermaid/sex in the sky of The Lion King” bull is true. The fact still lies that Alice in Wonderland and even Peter Pan are best viewed as allusions to drugs (and best viewed while under the influence of drugs). Come on, eat it and grow? Spring some pixie dust and you can fly? For shame, Walt. For shame.

11. Ariel is hot.

    I don’t care what anyone says otherwise. That purple seashell bra leaves nothing to the imagination.

12. Jasmine is also hot.

    It’s probably because she’s ethnic.

13. Mulan is not hot.

     It’s probably because she’s ethnic. 

14.  “I’ll Make a Man out of You” was the last good Disney song.

    If only it had been in a better movie than Mulan…still not hot. 

15. Disney sequels are not real sequels.

    They do not feature any of the same voices, animators, or directors as the original classics. They’re pretty much just glorified fan-fiction that found a distributor…Disney. As a result…

16. Modern Disney blows.

    Do I want more Lilo and Stitch sequels? No. Do I want sequels to my favorite classic Disney movies? No. Do I want a video game in which Disney characters duke it out Mortal Combat style and I can finally teach that Tinkerbell a lesson? Hell yes I do. Stop concentrating on The Lion King 7 and ¾ and give the people what they want!

17. There are no real plot twists or surprises in a Disney movie.

    “The bad guy wants to kill her?” “The bad guy didn’t kill her?” “She lives happily ever after?” The one exception to this rule may be The Lion King, but come on…I saw it coming.

18. Mary Poppins is creepy.

    I don’t care how happy she made those kids; if a woman floats into my house on an umbrella and drags me into chalk drawings and cartoon worlds, I want a new babysitter.

I've read the book several times, have a lot of it highlighted (as mediocre people like to do, to show they're paying attention), and can honestly say it hasn't made a damn bit of difference. So, in my usual ponderous way, I've tried to understand why books like this don't help the majority of us, and I think I've figured it out. It's because we already practice these seven habits! We just have a slightly different perspective on what they mean. So, with apologies to Mr. Covey ahead of time, here are the 7 Habits of the Rest of Us.

Covey Habit #1: Be Proactive

This is really ancient wisdom; Do unto others before they can do unto you. It's the true secret of all business success in the US, ask anyone who has tried to compete with Microsoft.

Covey Habit #2: Begin With the End in Mind

The end of the week I assume you mean. The Rest of Us begin each Monday with the dream of Friday afternoon, or if you're in church, we begin listening to each sermon with the tee time in mind.

Covey Habit #3: Put First Things First

This of course refers to sports, if you're male, or shopping, if you're female. The first and greatest commandment is "Thou Shalt Love the Lord thy God with your whole mind, your whole heart, and your whole soul, as if he were your favorite football team."

Covey Habit #4: Think Win/Win

This is actually rather limited advice. Not only is there Win/Win, there's Pick 6, Lotto, Play 4, Mega Money, etc. The rest of us like to think of this as Estate Planning. We also spend a lot of time at the pier waiting for ships to come in.

Covey Habit #5: Seek First to Understand, then to be Understood

I've practiced this with my boys as they were growing up even before I knew it was a good habit. I'd ask them "What the hell were you thinking? (Seeking to understand first) and then followed it up with; "You are so grounded, got it? (Seeking then to be understood).

Covey Habit #6: Synergize

Actually, this is kind of a big word for the rest of us. Heck, it's not even in the Spell Check. He must have meant sin-ergize , or "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." After all, there are 7 Deadly Sins (see the significance again?) and it takes time to work on all of them.

Covey Habit #7: Sharpen the Saw

The rest of us "sharpen the saw" indeed, so we can cut some extra ZZZ's. While foolish others are toiling uphill throughout the night, we are comfortably sleeping away.

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It had been a depressing few years. I had even grown a beard to show to the world that I was rejecting my former employment and locked myself in to a cabin for the foreseeable so no one could see me. That showed them. I knew it wouldn't be long before the FBI came crawling back, the wusses, begging me to help them out on an X-File. Sure enough, one fine day they came a knocking on my door.

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I had a shave and was back to my normal gorgeous self in no time. That showed those FBI weirdoes that I was ready for action again. I like to make my feelings demonstrably obvious because people are stupid and for most the truth is, like, way out there. I felt better for the shave though. I sometimes scratch my beautiful head and wonder why I went to work for the FBI, because I am such a stud. Occasionally, I think I should have become a male gigolo or even a Hollywood actor. Same difference, I guess. I could have been famous. They might have made toy figures of me.

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I digress, so let's get back to the case. Skinner had been investigating a rumor about the US Olympic Swim Team. Their improved performance since 2004 had been raising questions that some sort of enhancement was being used to gain a shower of gold medals wherever they went. This disquiet centered on a young athlete by the name of Phelps.

Skinner was beginning to make progress when disaster struck. During his investigation, he made what he thinks must have been a startling discovery, but his FBI colleague was decapitated and he woke up in a ditch with no memory. He ranted on about gates and stars and Atlantis, which led me to believe that something fishy was going on here. He believed that Scully and I were the only ones suitably qualified to investigate what had happened to him. I think he quietly has a thing going on for me, he just keeps coming back for more.

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Scully wasn't keen to get involved in the case at first. She had been busy saving one-armed children with leprosy through hitherto unknown procedures she discovered on the internet while at the same time subliminally dissing the Catholic Church. Yeah, she sure had been busy. I gave her all the salient points that I had extracted from the still delirious Skinner and insisted that this could be an X-File. Scully is a huge swimming fan and an even bigger patriot and it took some time to persuade her but she eventually came around to my way of thinking as she always does. Then she didn't. But then she did. Then she didn't. But then she did. Plus ca change.

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The name Phelps rang a bell and with a little rifling through my files in my still untouched office at the FBI (plus a little help from the Internet) we soon found ourselves in a deserted factory. Deserted, I say, but for a mermaid type creature held captive by mysterious militia men (who Scully hypnotized). I showed the creature my ID and attempted an interrogation. All she would utter were the odd syllables, "Jing" and "Bay" again and again and circled the number eight with her flippers till she got quite dizzy. She was making no sense.

We had come to a dead end. We left the factory and then there was, like, a space ship, a huge big thing with lots of lights and antennae (was there music, too?). It loomed over the building like a great big giant loomy thing. Anyway, it was, like, quite scary and the factory was mysteriously empty by the time the rest of the FBI got there.

I decided that we needed to get to Baltimore, Maryland, the home town of Michael Phelps, the young swimmer around whom this mystery seemed to center. Despite what the accounts department says, I still insist that this was nothing to do with the John Waters retrospective the city was hosting, even though the Bureau tried to query this later. They paid for our plane tickets, as per. (Suckers.)

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Before we got to Baltimore, we stopped off at the North Pole to prove that Santa Claus exists. Scully has this thing about kids, ever since she had to give up the one she thought she could never have but did because of possible alien intervention but then couldn't keep because it was way too dangerous and, like, the kid could levitate things. So, I threw her this one. Had to keep her sweet some way and I sensed that she had been tiring of my bearded hippy impression. She liked Santa's beard though. I wanted to shoot him.

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We got to Baltimore and went deep in to the woods on the outskirts of the city. There had been odd things happening in Baltimore since Phelps' birth (or landing?) in 1985 and it seemed like a good place to start. There is no point changing our modus operandi at this point, it's always worked in the past. At least it wasn't snowing this time and there were no irritating FBI agents calling me Spooky and stuff. Scully thought she saw something but by the time she got my attention, whatever it was she had seen was long gone. She is always doing that to me. Bitch.

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It was time for some pool action. I wanted to dive right in there and confront Phelps, but Scully said that the sight of me in my red Speedos might frighten him off. Point taken. My love bulge does sometimes intimidate. Having another rifle through my files, I discovered that Phelps had been diagnosed at the age of ten with ADHD. Most people believe this stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Those of us in the know, however, have ascertained that in fact it stands for a highly secret and elaborate government plot. ADHD in fact stands for "Alien DNA Hybrid Design". It is my belief that the government has secretly introduced this DNA in to hundreds of thousands of our children, in the hope of producing human weapons to be used to find massive weapons of destruction and kick the ass of anyone with the word "bin" in their name.

When I mentioned this plan to Scully she got all bleary eyed about kids and went to do some work in the lab.

I went to the pool and checked out Phelps. For some reason, he got a little spooked by the site of a fully clothed adult male checking him out. I considered that a disguise might work better.

My plan was to get closer to Phelps by adopting a cunning disguise and gaining his trust by impersonating a cheer leader. Something happened that grey evening by the pool, and I am convinced it is the key to this file. However, I have no memory of what happened between six and eight on the evening of that day. Somehow Phelps has managed to wipe my mind clean of anything I may have discovered during that time.

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To this day I cannot remember what happened during these hours and what sort of mind trick Phelps used on me to wipe my memory. This would not be the last time Phelps would use such tactics against the fight for the truth.

I think I saw my sister though.

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As ever, Scully seemed to get the easy part of the assignment. It was her task to infiltrate teenage parties to ascertain whether Phelps had been demonstrating any unusual behavior. I wanted this part of the assignment as some of those chicks were hot. But, yet again, I ended up with the dangerous bits. Somehow, Scully got it in to her head that there would be a pedophile priest with an odd combination of a Scottish and American accent at the party, preying on the sweet young things. She wanted to kick his ass before coming to a strange but measured kind of understanding. I told her to get with the case and stop thinking about kids all the time. Really, sometimes she worries me.

She has, however, proven useful in the lab. Using his fecal remains, she has ascertained that he consumes around twelve thousand kcal every day. This is more than five times the average male adult intake. Proof surely he is part of the government's secret ADHD program. This theory has been rejected out of hand back at FBI HQ. The bastards.

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I returned to the woods and found the bodies of two children from Eastern Europe. This was nothing to do with the case so I left them there. Scully would only have wept openly at the autopsy table and I didn't want that, at any cost. Why is it that whatever case I am on there is always something seemingly thrown in that has absolutely nothing to do with the issue at hand? I sometimes think there is a conspiracy going on.

At this point I discovered that Phelps had signed up to “Project (I Want To) Believe” in an attempt to silence those who question he is taking performance enhancing drugs. This is a supremely clever ploy on his part and I suspect that his naïve country boy persona is an act. By focusing on the drugs issue he is diverting attention away from the alien hybrid truth. This guy is nothing short of a mastermind. But could I prove it? I felt I was at last getting somewhere.

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Meanwhile, Scully found some evidence of wrong doing in the woods. Funny how it's always in the woods. She has a thing for woods. And children. Hmmm. However, the evidence mysteriously disappeared before the dumper truck that we rented to get it to the morgue even arrived. So, Scully couldn't do an autopsy. She never believes her own evidence anyway, so it didn't make much difference.

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Scully and I met up again and exchanged the facts that we had discovered. Or not. Nothing seemed to make sense so everything at least seemed normal. We went to another disused factory. We kinda had a hunch.

There we discovered, much to our amazement, a huge green organic pod of possibly alien origins. This pod is, I believe, the source of the DNA material gathered by American scientists and introduced in to the youth of our nation. Phelps was possibly accidentally administered a little too much of this DNA and this has led to his extraordinary success in the pool.

However, at the conclusion of this case, on our return to the factory with the now recovered Skinner and a host of FBI, the factory was completely empty apart from, like, a zillion cigarette butts. Our only source of evidence was gone.

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The whole of the next day is a blank for both of us. I believe that Phelps must have had something to do with this, although again I have no evidence to back up my theories. I swear I smelled a hint of chlorine before I blacked out, though. The FBI maintain that a few tattered ribbons and bent out of shape circular gold-plated things with a lead interior is not proof of an alien mind-blanking device. The fact there were eight of them held no sway either, even though eight is a mystical number to many South American Shamans. The disbelievers. They took the medallions away and they have not been seen since.

Someone or something got to us. This conspiracy leads to the very top.

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Whatever happened that day, our memory will hopefully, at some point, return. Even though I may not have the physical proof that the alien hybrid program exists I will at least have satisfied my own intellectual curiosity and have discovered the truth. Scully remains doubtful about my theories. Bee Atch. In the meantime I will continue to track and study Phelps, despite the restraining order. He is the key to his whole case and I will crack it.

There is some good news, however. Scully is pregnant again. Which is good. I think. She said something odd the other day. She pointed at her belly and said “The truth is in there”. I think she may be cracking up. She is acting oddly and our relationship is deteriorating.

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Scully refused to fund me anymore, even though I was always brilliant in bed. She is getting morning sickness now and an overwhelming urge to eat tuna. In fact, she has become a voracious devourer of sea food in general. This could be a case in itself.

The FBI refused to take me back. Again. I had to get a job at Home Depot to make ends meet. At least I was in good company - Vanessa from The Cosby Show, down on her luck too, is a co-worker. The FBI, as usual, maintains tabs on me. They thought I wouldn't notice Agents Such and Hartsky keeping a close eye on me. I am always sharper than they think.

I just want to believe that. Sob.

Thrill Ride Batman

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When not fighting crime, Batman and his buddy Robin like to hang out at the local amusement park They're often so well disguised nobody around them ever bothers to take notice.

Batman At The Mall

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As seen here, superheros like to go shopping too. Seen here with Robin and Catwoman they carry around a bodyguard to protect them from ambushes while they shop.

Batman After Party

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Even superheros like to party until the early morning during the summer. They may even at times have so much fun that they may even take quick naps outside between songs.

Lego Batman

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Even well known superheros like to have fun with Legos. Recently, Batman completed this amazing statue of himself and donated to a local toy store. Hopefully, he is currently helping Robin complete another statue.

Star Trek Batman

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When not saving lives, Batman is exploring the galaxy seeking lives out. Seen here on the holodeck training with Captain Kirk the Borg, he may want to avoid a confrontation with Earth in the future as long as Batman is around.

Surf's Up Spidey

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Everyone needs time off and the same is said for our friendly neighborhood Spiderman. Here we see him taking to the waves on a recent vacation to Hawaii. Spiders do like water then! A happy moment before the sadness and embarrassment of what was to come later.

Weekend Dad Spidey

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Unbeknown to the rest of the world, Spidey is a father. Here in a rare shot, he is shown with his son, Penn Parker, comforting the young boy because he failed to vanquish his arch enemy Octo-kid. A touching father-son moment. Shame that Spidey Mom has now denied access because he failed to keep up his child maintenance payments.

Beach Bum Spidey

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Spidey spent some time trying to spin his webs while on his vacation in Hawaii. Unfortunately, the beach babes tanning themselves mistook these as lewd comments and promptly chased him off the beach. Perhaps a sign of the sad times to come, this was perhaps the first time that Spidey was seen acting erratically in public.

Spidey Slob

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Everyone needs some time off just to be themselves and slob about, and that includes superheroes. Here we see Spidey between battling various villains when he decided to hit McDonalds rather than the gym. As we all know, rapid weight gain and loss can be indicative of more serious psychological problems and this, sadly, was the case with Spidey.

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Piñata time for Spidey! A little narcissistic, I suppose, but for his birthday ol' Spidey likes nothing more than beating an effigy of himself up with large pole. Put like that, it sounds a little kinky (more of that later!). A cry for help from a damaged hero? Who can say!

No Gasoline Spidey

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What with the credit crunch and sub-prime, things can get tough, even if you are a superhero. Here, Spidey has to resort to taking public transport with his friends Batman and Robin. He maintains he is being eco-friendly by using the bus, but the fact is that Spidey is cash strapped and down to his last few dollars.

Mister Potato Head Spidey

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Spidey is so desperate for cash he has had to take a second job dressing up as a children's fictional character. I mean, how low can you go?

Performance Art Spidey

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Lower. In a desperate attempt to make cash, Spidey has taken to performance art - incognito of course. This is a shot from the Edinburgh Festival and is part of his one man show entitled “Still Life in Concrete, Begging”. Shame on you, Spidey.

Phone Booth Spidey

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We can exclusively reveal that Spidey's cell phone contract elapsed last month and he has had to resort to using phone booths. As you can see, he was quite startled and not a little annoyed to be caught on camera by our photographer!

Gigolo Spidey

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The shame of it. For many, the last resort in the fight to stave off poverty, our secretly located camera reveals Spidey's fist attempt at being a gigolo. How the mighty have fallen!

Subway Spidey

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After the stint as a gigolo, Spidey thought he couldn't stoop any lower. However, we have gained access to pictures of him performing for small change on the subway. A terrible fall from grace for this once much respected and admired crime fighter.

Entrapment Spidey

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Here we see the sad results of Spidey's attempt to do a George Michael. He should perhaps give it all up and head for the Home for Distressed Ex-Superheroes. Spidey got four weeks community service for this debacle.

Anarchist Spidey

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Disaffected youth, as we all know, sometimes turn to extreme politics. Here, Spidey demonstrates against the EU decision to tax spider webs according to size. Minutes later he was arrested and deported back to the United States.

Splatter Spidey

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Time was Spidey could glide gracefully from building to building. Such are his money worries however, that he is finding his famous spider senses deserting him. Here our photographer captures a particularly embarrassing moment for Spidey as his decline becomes his fall.

Streetwalker Spidey

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Alas, the downfall is complete. Spidey has to resort to walking the streets. Rumor has it he is now referred to as Roxanne and charges twenty dollars an hour. Oh Peter, if your Grandmother could see you now!

 

The Little Red Hen

Original Ending: After the hen asks for help planting, growing, harvesting and baking her wheat into bread and is turned down by every animal on the farm, she refuses to let any of them eat the bread to teach them a lesson about the virtue of helping out.

Updated Ending: As the hen and her chicks prepare to eat the bread, the farmer -who has lost his subsidy thanks to trade agreements bringing in oranges (his crop) for a cheaper retail value from South America - realizes there isn't enough money in the account to buy groceries and decides to have hen on the dinner menu that night. He leaves the bread for the orphaned chicks in order to “fatten them up ”.

Little Red Riding Hood

Original Ending: Red Riding Hood comes to Grandma's house, is tricked by the wolf (who is disguised as Grandma) and narrowly escapes being lunch when she is saved by the last minute intervention of a nearby woodsman .

Updated Ending: Red Riding Hood hits the wolf with a blast of pepper spray, then calls 911 and has the authorities take the wolf into custody. At the wolf's trial for B&E, assault on a minor and attempted murder, the prosecution brings in surprise witnesses in the form of three pigs whose own story damages the defense team's case. The wolf is sentenced to life in prison, while Red Riding Hood undergoes psychiatric treatment to recover from the trauma.

Humpty Dumpty

Original Ending: All the kings horses and all the king's men can't put Humpty Dumpty back together after he falls off a wall in the kingdom..

Updated Ending: Fearing a massive lawsuit, the king orders his men to finish the job and they dispose of the evidence by way of a large skillet, an oversized stove and some biscuits. They tell the few family members who show up making inquiries as to Humpty's whereabouts that he went into hiding because he “fears Easter”.

Georgie Peorgie

Original Ending: After kissing the girls, Georgie runs away when the boys come out to play.

Updated Ending: Inspired by his success at kissing the girlfriends of half a dozen guys and getting away with it, Georgie takes up a successful career as a gigolo.

Little Miss Muffet

Original Ending: Miss Muffet is frightened off by a spider which sits down beside her.

Updated Ending: Muffet empties half a can of Raid on that sucker, finishes her curds and whey and continues watching The View.

Little Jack Horner

Original Ending: Jack puts his thumb into a pie, pulls out a plumb and refers to himself as a “good boy.”

Updated ending: Jack develops an eating disorder and becomes morbidly obese. He finally joins Weight Watchers and becomes their national spokesman, rivaling Jarod from the “Subway” commercials in popularity.

The Ant and the Grasshopper

Original Ending: the Ant, having worked all summer while the Grasshopper played, is well fed and comfortable that winter while the Grasshopper freezes and starves.

Updated Ending: Because of the economic mess the Bush administration has left the middle class and lower class to deal with, the Ant ends up having to take the Grasshopper in as a roommate to cover the monthly bills, only to awaken one morning to find that the Grasshopper has slipped out in the night, in the process stealing the Ant's DVD player, TV and car.

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So, here are 10 "what's nexts?" that I hope you will find amusing.

1. Faith Hill, who's angelic voice has been rather quiet after she chastised a fan who became too "personal" with her husband, Tim McGraw, will release her new single, "When You Think Tim McGraw, Don't Even Think of Grabbing his Crotch or I'll Go All Miranda Lambert on Your Ass." You really have to be a country music fan; it just gets better and better.
2. Staying on Miranda Lambert for a moment; Her huge hit, gunpowder and lead in which she sings, "He slapped my face and he shook me like a rag doll, now don't that sound like a real man, I'm gonna show him what a little girl's made of, gunpowder and lead," will indeed have a follow-up hit titled, On the Run. Miranda will croon to her dead lover, "Now that I've shot ya, and drank all the beer, my dog, Bo, and me, gotta get on outta here." I keep telling you, don't mess with country chicks; they will mess you up-- they make Alanis Morissette look like Little Miss Muffett.
3. Brittany Spears will put on underwear, sober up, find Jesus and go on tour with a gospel choir wearing all-black garb including turtleneck sweater and black trousers. Her comeback single will be, "Jesus, I'm a Heal."
4. Former American Idols, Ruben Studdard, and Taylor Hicks will form their own record company aptly named, As If Records;They will sign themselves and have record deals again; at least for a week or two; kinda like their last record deals.
5. Nicole Richie, in an effort to get back into the limelight, will gain 150 pounds and become the newest Face (or whatever body part) of Jenny Craig.
6. Toby Keith will continue his patriotic bashing of Mid-Eastern terrorist groups with a follow-up to his fired-up Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue, (The Angry American) called, Turn the Desert to Glass, Forget the Boot in Your Ass. Love Toby! He always says what's on his mind.
7. M.C. Hammer will make a comeback. Hammer will hit the limelight this time with his own line of parachute pants, retro-80's styled for complete comfort. His new clothing line will be called JammerTime; Duds For Dudes Who Would Rather Be In Bed.
8. As a Topper for Danielle's Peck's Country Tune, "Jesus Loves you, But I Don't," Danielle will get more hardcore and join the ranks of the angry country music chicks with her come back hit "I'm Not Sure Even Jesus Gives a Crap About You."
9. Jennifer Grey of "Dirty Dancing" fame may be the only Hollywoodsie whose nose job actually RUINED her career; but 2009 will be her comeback year. She will star in a blockbuster, new sitcom. Jennifer will play a 40-something-year-old virgin who has cosmetic surgery and moves to Los Angeles, befriends a Valley Girl and becomes a tramp. It will be called, Lady La La Land and the Tramp.
10. And finally, from the depths of movie failure-dom, Hollywood will attempt a sequel of the movie, Ishtar. The original stars will play their old roles. This time, Warren Beatty, Dustin Hoffman and Charles Grodin will head across the desert in a Humvee in search of Hoffman's character's aged mother, Golda, who has been living in a Moroccan rest home now under siege by a local terrorist group. It will be titled, Three Men and an Oy vey Lady.
    As punishment for writing and directing the original Ishtar, Elaine May, will make her screen comeback, as she will play the old lady, Golda. May, incidentally, hasn't worked in the industry since Ishtar. There's a surprise!