Relationship http://www.purpleslinky.com/Jokes/Relationship/index.1451 New posts in Relationship Where Are You Going? I Thought Tonight Was The Night http://www.purpleslinky.com/Jokes/Relationship/Where-Are-You-Going-I-Thought-Tonight-Was-The-Night.204201 Do you find yourself saying that a lot? Does every "special" date (you know, the third or fourth one or even the first if you are impetuous and particularly fit), no matter how promising, suddenly go horribly wrong when you invite the wondrous person back to your place for, er, coffee? Maybe you don't realise that you are actually practising Household Object Safe Sex ie there are items in your living zone the presence of which pretty much guarantee that no one is going to grace your home long enough to take off his or her coat, let alone anything else. There are certain things that,  either on display or in locations where they will be easily found by only mildly inquisitive visitors, will definitely put the maximum damper on your love life, so either bin them, hide them well or sneak them into the room of someone you think could do with losing out on a few amorous encounters. Here is your Unlucky Seven of guaranteed passion killers.

  1. Supplies of medicine for assorted off-putting ailments

    It's not just the fifteen different kinds of haemorrhoid ointment or big bottles of lotion for treating pubic lice that can send a potential partner shrieking into the night. Almost anyone's romantic ardour is going to be a bit dampened if they discover that you not only suffer from fungal toenail infections but have to put those charcoal pads in your underwear to minimize the effects of your persistent flatulence and repeatedly blast the wax from your ears with something not unlike an industrial pressure hose.

  2. Really desperate prolefood

    Own-brand oven chips, sliced white and economy instant powdered tea, boil-in-the-bag curries, tinned pies full of mystery meat and no fruit and veg apart from dented tins of baked beans do not give a hot date the best impression. He or she will think that being taken out for dinner by you will involve a trip to some obscure chain of fast-food restaurants where the cabaret consists of getting mugged for your mobile phone.  

  3. Enormous collection of self-help books

    Especially if they are all called things like It's OK to be Desperate and Needy, Why All Men Are Beasts Who Won't Commit, How To Get Married in 30 Days or, if you are male, Coping With Impotence, Make Any Woman Do Really Depraved Stuff With You or Masculinity In Crisis: It's All Women's Fault. Mind you, books about deranged conspiracy theories, cuckoo Secrets of the Lost Tribe Down The Road or ways of making it to assistant deputy head of the stationery cupboard before you're 45 don't give a great impression either.  

  4. Indications that you are an enthusiastic member of a peculiar religious cult

    Such as a large and baleful portrait of a notorious cult leader, badly-printed flyers full of spelling mistakes and bizarre claims that are obviously there to be handed out to visitors, and asking your guest to participate in a strange ritual before eating or drinking anything. 

  5. Alarming pets

    Whether it's a dozen leaping, baying, slobbering dogs that are all called things like Lung-Ripper, Psycho and Very Naughty or a tarantula, scorpion or venomous snake that's allowed free run of the house, not many people are reassured by claims that "He/She *likes* you, honestly. He/she doesn"t usually take people's limbs off or pump deadly poison into them the first time they meet him/her.'  

  6. Revolting squalor

    Now I'd be the first to agree that excessive housework is a social-cultural trap designed to keep women enslaved by guilt and all the rest of it, and that men already know that life is too short to dust the light fittings twice a day, but certain things go way beyond... Stained underwear all over the place, a splotch of long-dried-but-never-cleared-up vomit, all-singing-all-dancing vermin infestations around a teetering pile of unwashed dishes: your hot date won't just flee, he/she will probably consider calling some sort of community care official in.  

  7. Corpse of previous lover, stuffed

    This is not OK even if you did tell your new friend your family name was Bates.
]]> Sun, 10 Aug 2008 04:17:18 PST Five Reasons Why Women Still Can't Do Without Men http://www.purpleslinky.com/Jokes/Relationship/Five-Reasons-Why-Women-Still-Cant-Do-Without-Men.131449

  • The Fuss Factor

    She needs to fuss. She’s genetically programmed this way. She fusses over him about everything. From the way he wears his hair and tucks in his shirt to what he eats and what colour underwear suits him. Logically it’s almost the same as fussing a pet. But because she can multitask, she makes him feel wanted and expands her fussing energy all at the same time. That goes for the pet as well.

  • Task-Oriented-One-Track Mind

    It doesn’t take rocket science to understand him. He’s straightforward and can take simple instructions. If she needs to reach the high shelf, he’s there. If she needs the sink fixed, he’s there. If she needs to rearrange the living room 20 times, he’s there. Because she is fickle and can never make up her mind, his simple-mindedness matches her perfectly.

  • He’s Tough on the Outside, Mushy on the Inside

    He amuses her. His macho image is defenseless against that little droopy-eyed puppy. He goes soft all of a sudden, melts like butter and even tears. It’s also amusing to see how rugged hands can become so gentle when he’s fumbling with a newborn. For all the pain he caused, charge it to his credit card. But for that childlike innocence on his face ... priceless.

  • For Reaction

    Another point of amusement, to test how he responds to her ridiculous questions. Do you think I’m fat? Do I look prettier than her? Who is more important, your mother or I? Tricky but interesting. Sneaky but pure entertainment. Forget cable, she has more fun watching him scrambling for the right answers.

  • Without Him ...

    There may be world peace but there may be nothing to gripe about! He is the subject that transcends geographical borders. Highly controversial and intensely engaging, women all over the world talk about him. Like it or not, whether she brags or gripes, he is one hot tag.
    • ]]>     Fri, 30 May 2008 08:20:05 PST     Five Things About Men Women Can't Stand http://www.purpleslinky.com/Jokes/Relationship/Five-Things-About-Men-Women-Cant-Stand.129982

  • Men Won't Take Directions

    Lost? Never in his life. It is difficult for him to take directions because in his mind he is never quite as lost as he really is. His ego won't let him. It's shameless if he asks for directions. He would rather get lost. He trusts his homing instinct, which he thinks is always in tiptop condition, to navigate home. Leave it to the pigeons I say and learn to read a road map for goodness sakes.

  • Men Don't Listen

    What did you say? The perennial dysfunctional ears are normally trained to keep out any important things his woman has to say regarding dinner dates with the in-laws or pet grooming appointments. Visual creatures with an eye for certain details and a need for good unselective hearing aids.

  • Men Don't Pay Attention to Details

    Can you blame him for not noticing? It's how you present the facts. You can't expect him to notice the dress you have just spent a bomb paying for. But he will sit up and take notice of the dress you used his credit card to buy which you spent a bomb paying for.

  • Men Hog the Remote

    He is territorial alright. With the remote in hand, life is between him and the plasma TV. Coming close behind are his beer, his newspaper, his buddies, his pet frog and his underwear. His woman doesn't even come close. Once he lays his hands on the remote, he surfs the turf. You are only permitted to speak to him during commercial breaks and make it quick because it only lasts 30s a piece.

  • Men Think They're Better Drivers

    Why? Because he thinks he's smarter, quicker and wiser. Behind the wheel, he assumes his mastery over the roads. Whisking in and out, overtaking and cursing at every female driver. But the bottom line is, he doesn't think at all. The offensive driver he is blames the female driver for causing accidents. But the no-brainer driver he is ends up being the one crashing his car in the accident. Who's smarter now?
    • ]]>     Tue, 27 May 2008 02:17:43 PST     The Five Most Disgusting Habits with Live-in Partner http://www.purpleslinky.com/Jokes/Relationship/The-Five-Most-Disgusting-Habits-with-Live-in-Partner.125922 If you are thinking about moving in with your partner, or if you are already living with your partner, avoid these fundamental mistakes to keep your relationship strong, healthy, and new!

    Gas at the Other End

    Have you notice how an accidental gas passing can make people laugh? Well, it is kind of funny when you are unexpected, but constant and regularly drumming of the horn are just disgusting! It is so disrespectful for the other humans to be around. When a partner feels free to just "let it out" all the time, it can be intolerable to live with days in and days out.

    Burp

    All right, we all have gas, and it has to come out occasionally. However, if you are one of those people who do not care about controlling your bodily function, it is a crime! If you can control it at party or when around other people, then why can't you control it around your loved ones? Are they less important or less respectful in your view just because they love you? Nothing is funny when you let go of your bodily function.

    Hanging Out

    After a few months of living together, there is nothing left for the imagination. Your partner prances around in his/her birthday suit without a care. This behavior gets old quickly! No one likes to see the genital parts on display in front of their eyes all the time. Have a little self-respect and cover up! Give your partner something to dream or think about when you are around or not around. Discovery is more exciting than a slap, "in your face!"

    Cursing

    The fun ends when using bad language is part of a sentence! The glorious words of "F..." this and "F..." that can be very hard for the ears over time. You might look at your partner and think: "I didn't see this part before." If you happen to put nail through your hand, say it! Your partner will understand. If not, the dictionary provides many other pleasant words to use.

    Lingerie Displayed

    Victoria Secret underwear belongs in the catalog when not in use! Yes, those lingerie particles give you many hot and steamy nights. However, if they are hanging all over the bathroom then it is a problem. You walk into the facility to use it, but first, you have to collect the many displayed pieces before you can take a shower. It can get annoy very fast! Worst yet, you find used sanitary pads wide open in the garbage can, and "whiskers" all over the area! Clean up your act, be discrete, and have some values!

    Live-in partners are great for comfort, love, and sharing. Human beings are creature of habits, and those habits show up after only a short time. Just because you are comfortable with each other, you are allowed to air your disgusting behaviors! Always keep in mind that mutual respect is rooted for a longer lasting relationship to work.

     

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