Harriet Tubman

Former slave and Underground Railroad conductor

Abilitie(s): Super speed and/or invisibility

How else could this amazing woman manage to transport hundreds of slaves undetected? Although most evolved humans so far have been shown to only have one natural power, "Moses," as they called her, may have had either or both of these abilities.

Genghis Khan

Mongol founder and emperor

Abilitie(s): Mass impregnation

A British man named Tom Robinson was told that he was a direct descendant of the ruler and many, many, many kings have claimed to be descended from him as well. Genghis Khan didn't just invade when he took over a land, he would actually repopulate the land with little G. Khans. Talk about dominant genes.

Leonardo daVinci

Artist, inventor, military strategist, anatomist, everything

Abilitie(s): Intuitive aptitude

daVinci definitely could've been the Sylar of his day. He could understand things that didn't even exist yet! This would explain his keen knowledge of and expertise in multiple fields. He was definitely a Renaissance man.

Michelangelo

Artist, architect, engineer

Abilitie(s): Intuitive attitude

Maybe he was angry that he wasn't good at as many things as Leo was. Or he was just angry. Michelangelo wanted to concentrate on sculpting and was furious when Pope Julius II told him to go paint the Sistine Chapel's ceiling. He was melancholy, arrogant and had a ridiculous temper. But who can blame a man who was caned in the street by a pope?

Michael Jackson

Musician

Abiltie(s): Appearance alteration

He's just not very good at it. MJ has changed his look several times, and by look, we mainly mean his nose. He has also managed to change ethnicities and reinvent himself fashion-wise over his long career.

Chuck Norris

Martial artist and actor

Abiltie(s): Empathic mimicry

Because the character who can take other characters' powers is always the best. (Like Peter Petrelli.) And considering he trained with Bruce Lee, he has had some awesome people to empathize with. Thanks to his mimicry, Chuck has multiple powers including the power to divide by zero, slam a revolving door, and not read books, but stare them down until he gets the information he wants.

Sean Combs

Rapper, actor, entrepreneur, producer, and more

Abiltie(s): Name shifting

Besides being able to have six or seven occupations at once, this man can also have multiple names at once. Puff Daddy? Puffy? P. Diddy? Diddy? Duddy? No one knows who this guy will be next!

Amy Winehouse

Singer-songwriter

Abiltie(s): Rapid self-degeneration

No one has used alcohol, cigarettes, and crack cocaine quite like Amy. That is, no one has used them in combination with heroin, ecstasy, ketamine, self-harm, depression, eating disorders and soulful singing ... the ability she really needs to stick to.

Amelia Earhart

Aviator

Abiltie(s): Access to parallel dimension or space-time manipulation

If Amelia had these abilities, that could account for her disappearance. Perhaps she went to an alternate universe where people can fly? Or perhaps she traveled to some time in the future? Past? Well, wherever she disappeared to, she may have come back to us in the form of Jet Man.

Heidi Montag

Reality television personality, aspiring person-with-another-occupation

Abiltie(s): None

Self-explanatory.

Barbara Walters

Journalist, writer

Abiltie(s): Lacrimal manipulation

Everyone cries when Barbara interviews them and that's no coincidence. The only person who can possibly resist Barbara's powers might be Rosie O'Donnell because she's a psychopath. Or because she no longer has a heart.

PETA

Animal lovers, crazy people

Abiltie(s): Superior delusion and lack of compassion for humans

They call themselves The Organization. While animals don't deserve abuse, they don't deserve the attention PETA gives them. These people actually thought Ben & Jerry's might come out with breast milk ice cream. Then again, this is the same group that compared chickens dying to the Holocaust and complained that a donkey was used in warfare without protesting the loss of human life.

David Blaine

Magician, endurance artist and professional "delusionist." (My Mom came up with that one.)

Abiltie(s): Intuitive disappointment

All this guy does is do boring things for long periods of time and finds new and interesting ways to use the bathroom in public. And then when he does something almost exciting like a "dive of death," it ends up being the "bungee hop of death." Thanks for the entertainment, Dave.

John McCain

Senator, presidential candidate

Abiltie(s): Immortality or superior durability

There's got to be a reason this guy has lived so long. And no, I'm not saying that just because he's old. He endured five and a half years being tortured as a prisoner of war in Viet Nam. The knowledge that he will never die probably helped him make his vice presidential decision.

Barack Obama

Senator, presidential candidate

Abiltie(s): Change

We're not sure what kind of power he has, if any. But this is the one he advertises. Perhaps he isn't an evolved human at all. He's just ... some guy.

Sarah Palin

Governor, vice presidential candidate

Abiltie(s): Media magnetism, cryogenesis, telescopic vision and/or light manipulation

We have not yet identified what exactly Governor Palin's abilities are or how many of them she has. She has clearly demonstrated media magnetism, but the other abilities may have been expressed while she was out of the spotlight and governing Alaska. Her cryogenesis has been largely responsible for maintaining Alaska's snowy grounds, her light manipulation for aurora borealis, and her telescopic vision to see Russia from her house. On a side note, while the governor is quite adept at creating ice, she is not in fact responsible for the creation of Hillary Clinton.

Joe Bidden? Biden?

Who?

During our discussions, Mark actually spelled Biden's name wrong when he suggested that he had the power of "Who?" Proves a point. But perhaps this is simply Biden's demonstration of one of the coolest abilities an evolved human can have ... invisibility.

The Good:

Record Sales

 

In the early 80's Michael Jackson sold roughly 100 million copies of “Thriller” alone, while “Baby One More Time” sold 25 in the late 90's. That's not bad for the both of them, but we got to hand it to Michael for capitalizing on a song named “Beat It”. (Quick note: Who orchestrated that album cover for Britney?)

Healthy Relationships

 

Before there was Bragelina or Bennifer, there was Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake. They were before the time of celebrity name mashing, a time where fellow Mickey Mouseketeers could dominate the world. Britney and Justin lasted four years until their split in 2002. With the dropout of Michael Jackson in 1978, the Jackson Five, however, lasted 24 years. That's a long time to watch five boys go through puberty, voice changes, and even complete face makeovers.

Fashion statements

 

There was no one in the world that didn't own that iconic red leather jacket that spawned Michael's career, but somehow Britney managed to justify the slutty school girl look to about a billion teenage girls. So much for hail marys. Michael went on further to pioneer the single white glove, and many sparkling outfits to come.

The Bad:

Poor Decisions

 

These two have made many crazy decisions, but the root of all problems stems from the beginning, a fatal mistake that can end one's career. In 2004, Britney married mysterious back up dancer Kevin Federline, (due to the popularity of name mashing, would soon be nicknamed K-Fed) after only three months of dating. A string of bizarre behaviors followed quickly, as Britney soon began to come crashing down. Undeniably, Michael's fall from the throne was the decision of plastic surgery. Plastic surgery wasn't as popular in the 80's as it is now, so this was a shock to the world. It's understandable that this was taboo, considering it has left him completely unrecognizable. Michael claims he has the skin condition Vitiligo, but one can think of it as another word for “skin bleaching”.

Becoming Parents

 

According to Jacko, (another contribution from the celebrity name mashers) naming his baby Prince Michael isn't so bad, because he also likes to dangle them over balconies for a street full of press to see. He also has two other children, Paris, and Prince Michael II (Quick note: Mothers should stick to naming their children.) During her marriage to K-Fed, Britney popped out Sean Preston, and Jayden James, but due to her crazy behavior, Brit and Kevin divorced in 2006, and Kevin ultimately won full custody of the two kids.

The Ugly:

Rock Bottom

 

Why not go out with a bang? Britney suffered a mental breakdown, resulting in a shaven head, a new tattoo, not wearing any underwear, and driving recklessly on Los Angeles freeways. She was later hospitalized, diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, and was seen attacking paparazzi. In 1992, and later in 2003, Michael was accused of child molestation, bought a ridiculously expensive amusement park, and had more plastic surgeries. He was acquitted on all charges for both cases.

Where Are They Now?

After the molestation case, Michael has disappeared mostly from the public eye. (That's probably a good thing, since a majority of the population thinks you're a freak, child molestor, or God.) Britney tried to make a comeback at the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards, promoting her new album “Blackout”. The performance bombed, and the album sold about 3 million copies. In most recent news, reports have declared that Britney might regain some custody of her children, and a reunion between her and K-Fed may be in the works.

This past and present look can only bring hope for a better future for Michael and Britney. Like it or not, crazy as they may be, they're still a conversation piece, good or bad. (Quick note: but bad is just more interesting.)