For instance, lets investigate bathing and showering.  As is common practice in my family and many others young children will oftentimes shower or bathe with adults.  It saves time and they can get two things done at once.  However, there should probably be more consideration taken into age limits on these things.  I'm not saying I showered with my relatives until my early teens or anything like that, but I know it still took place while I was around two and a half.  I remember it.  And it is slightly unsettling to remember seeing my aunt Janet's pubic hair and my father's seemingly monstrous gonads at eye level. 

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Didn't seem wrong at the time, but I have these images with me for the rest of my life.  Do I have a slightly exceptional memory?  Maybe.  But I wish I hadn't seen it nonetheless.  So be careful how old your child is when you let them see you naked.  Age two is probably a wise cut-off point.

Another slightly disturbing image came into crystal clarity about two years ago for some reason.

I had to have been about five at the time and I remember being awoke in the middle of the night by a door slowly creaking open.  I got up to peer down the dark-lit hall only to see my father creeping out of my mothers room completely naked holding a pair of his underwear in front him.  I reasoned to myself that he must have had an accident and went back to bed before he saw me.  Besides, I thought, it was always embarrassing whenever anyone found out you had wet the bed.  I figured my dad would feel the same way as I would about the situation.

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Now looking back on this memory almost twenty years later I am putting more and more pieces of the puzzle together.  One day it just dawned on me.  They were having sex!  Those two dirty old people were having sex with me right in the next room.  Then another thought occurs to me.

My younger sister and I used to sneak into our parents room and steal “water balloons” from their dresser.  First we'd laugh at the directions we couldn't read because they had a picture of a “pee-pee” in them.  Next, we'd take them out of their individual foil packets and happily fill them up at the bathroom sink and squirt each-other with them or flat out waylay each-other into water-soaked oblivion.  Fortunately though we didn't exhaust the balloon supply.  We never had another brother or sister.

How were we to know that we were throwing contraceptives at each other's faces?  

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And finally it brings me to my younger cousin, the reason for this article. I suddenly had a flashback to this story today when I went to get a roll of toilet paper and came across a box of my girlfriends tampons.  At around the age of nine, and curious about girls, and more than a little naïve on how things work,  he and his friend asked my sister for some of her tampons.  She looked at them in a weird way and asked them what exactly they wanted them for.  The two chuckled and looked at each-other.  Finally my cousin told her that she knew why, and that they needed them for the same reason she did.  Apparently they were going to try and stick them up their butts since girls seemed to need to do that sort of thing and they figured they had to do it too.  She never did deliver the goods.

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Just some strange memories I've had.  I got a good chuckle remembering them and i hope you do too.

1. "Obama's not black. He's Hawaiian and Asian. Just has a really deep tan."

2. "I don't want the President to be Muslim. He'll make us wear ugly clothes."

3. "Who are you gonna vote for dictator?"

4. "McCain is old but Obama is a man whore. If he wins I'll move to Iraq then sleep with him."

5. "Who's Obama anyway?"

1. Virtually everything you say is a quote from somewhere else.

Example: All your jokes and puns are regurgitated Family Guy lines, which you usually get wrong anyway.  Don't worry, people normally give you a courtesy laugh for effort, but this is a major sign your humor is more dried up than a bottle of Jack's used to comfort your empty life.

2. You laugh at your own jokes hysterically, during and after the joke is complete.

Example: A female spills juice on her jeans and states she is all wet, your first reaction is to say, "I make that happen to all women."  Then you proceed to laugh so hard your eyes close and you can't see the fact that everyone in the room hates you.  Open your eyes, the only thing funny in the room is what people are calling you in their thoughts.

3. You use swearing as a tool to emphasize everything, even if no emphasis is needed.

Example: If someone censored you during one of your attempts to be funny, you would sound like a mix of the Jerry Springer show crossed with a censored version your Dad's reaction to the news that your Mother was pregnant with you.  

4. You always take things too far.

Example: You come very close to actually saying something funny, then cancel and destroy every trace of funny by saying something so ridiculous and incoherent that the mood in the room goes from comfortable to awkward faster then your Mom regretted not taking the morning after pill.

5. You are incomprehensibly random.

Example: The odds you were the fastest swimmer is a random act of nature.  The odds that your anti-humorous brain will be able to stew up a joke that is related to the topic at hand with a touch of randomness would be a random act of - wait, it would never happen.

6. You never let-up.

Example: You attempt to make a group of people laugh with no success.  You try to make up for it by getting louder and less funny, usually alcohol fuels this irritating fire.  The best thing to do at this point is consume all the alcohol in the room and spend the night in the hospital.  At least the hospital staff will think you're funny when you wake up and realize a comedic genius drew a phallic symbol pointing at your mouth with permanent marker.

7. You interrupt other funny people to add your special not-funny touch.

Example: When someone else is on a roll and is succeeding in making other people laugh, you feel the need to ruin the mood and everyone's appetite by exhaling air from your humor-incapable lungs.  Stop breathing the funny man's air and just listen!

Please, if you know anyone less humorous than a cat not capable of human language, help them by adding to this list.

“Why the flustered look honey?” inquired Jimmy.

“Well, I came here to buy some scented candles, they're over there next to the cards, but seriously, (and she began to whisper to him at this point) all of them smell like shit.”

2.  Peter and his fellow apostle, Paul, were out fishing one morning and the discussion naturally turned to their savior Jesus Christ.

“I am glad he has come into my life,” said Peter to Paul.  “There is no end to his love, and when I am near him I truly have faith in the fact that he is god incarnate.  And yet.....”

“I know what you mean.” replied Paul.  “I love the man and all, but he is a lousy housekeeper. Just the other day I was picking up the place when I couldn't stand it any longer.  I shouted at him and said Jesus Christ, can't you pick up your own dirty socks!”

3.  Lenny the cannibal had never been the brightest bulb on Cannibal Island.  He had been relegated to the position of cook a while back because he couldn't seem to get the hang of anything else.  But Lenny seemed to have a knack for screwing things up and had gotten himself into hot water after a couple of months on the job.

It seems one day that Lenny had been having a hard time finding any unsuspecting member of the tribe to club over the head for dinner so he had decided to improvise by catching a monkey, skinning it and offering it to his fellows as cannibal veal.  In his haste Lenny had forgotten to rid the entree of its' tail.  The ruse was detected in a matter of seconds and the Cannibals, who being the good Cannibals that they were, were disgusted with the prospect of eating a monkey.  This enraged the elders who, to the surprise of many, made Lenny eat the monkey.  The younger Cannibals demanded a much more severe punishment, but the elders asked for patience.  Still unsatisfied but unwilling to go against the elders the young cannibals carried out the orders and force-fed the monkey to Lenny, bit by bit.

The next day he was forced to eat another monkey, and another monkey the day after and so on for an entire month.  Lenny soon grew so fat that he could not perform his job as cook any longer.  Even dumb ol' Lenny had figured out the master plan and knew that he was to be the new cook's first meal so he hid the biggest pot on the island and figured that he'd be too big to fit into any other pots.  Satisfied that he was now safe he joined his fellow cannibals at the dining hall to await whatever savory morsels the new cook had prepared.  But alas, Lenny knew very little in the cooking department. 

Lenny was surprised when two of the largest cannibals on cannibal isaland seized him and drug his engored body kicking and screaming to the kistchen.  The cannibals made sure Lenny fit into one of the much smaller pots, bit by stupid bit and had a great stew that night.

4.  Chrisof, although a very nice man never had many friends.  Mainly, this was attributed to a terrible lisp he had had his whole life and the unfortunate name bestowed upon him.  You see whenever he would meet new people they'd introduce themselves, then, when it was Chistof's turn they'd feel a bit uncomfortable when he'd say, “Hi. I'm Pissed-off.”

5.  Mary, a very bright young toddler, never really seemed to gain any ground in the potty-training department.  This dumbfounded her parents who had taught her how to read by age one and already had her counting up to fifty.  Little did her parents know that she would have gladly gone potty in the outhouse if there was any other option besides the small pile of corn-cobs behind the door.

6.  Kilroy the rooster hadn't been getting any attention from the young hens after he went “Moo” during one particularly picturesque sunrise.  It was cemented in his memory.  The timing was right and his young Rooster blood had been telling him to do it for some time.  Without even knowing it he was crowing!  Soon the entire flock was laughing at him because he wasn't able to make the regular Rooster sound, only a funny, slightly muted bellowing of another species.  He just wasn't able to help it and quit trying to crow altogether.  Kilroy was a distraught bird and often though of offering himself up to the farmer with his woodblock and axe.  

The heifers on the other hand, upon hearing about Kilroy's unusual disposition, warmed to him immediately, and always tried to be near Kilroy as much as possible.  In this way he had  become quite close to one beautiful Guernsey named Lulla-Bell.  Kilroy even became comfortable enough around her to serenade her with his moo-call when they were in a private part of the barnyard. 

But Kilroy was now in a state of inner struggle.  He had feelings for the cow that he knew weren't quite natural,  yet he didn't care.  He truly loved Lulla-Bell.  The only thing stopping him from truly giving himself to his beloved was his fear of rejection from the flock. 

“Geez.” he thought, “Mom, almost killed my sister when she laid an egg for that duck from across the field, what'll she do if I bring old Lulla-Bell home to the coop?  I'd be tarred for sure.”

7.  Stella was on the scale at the doctor's office.  Most girls of her immense proportions would have been uncomfortable in a situation such as this but Stella had come to terms with her weight a long time ago and decided instead to celebrate her ample measurements.  She still shopped at Victoria's Secret, still wore a T-shirt that said “Hot-Stuff”and She had started calling herself an XL BBW on all her internet profiles.  Truly there has never been a person more comfortable with her body.  

The scale groaned and the weights snapped to the extreme end of the scale as she put her feet upon it.  The doctor, being polite, tried to move the weights to get an accurate reading but gave up after a few minutes.  He turned to Stella.

“I don't know how to say this Stella but you need to lose a little weight, this just ain't healthy.”

“Oh doc, it can't be that bad, I still get around alright.”

“Yes it is.  Not trying to be impolite but...you're one little Debbie away from needing construction equipment to get around.”

“Well in that case can you get me a Zebra Cake and a Yellow Pages listing for fork-lifts?”

8.  Arnie woke up in a drunken daze laying in a puddle of his own filth.  He figured he must have drank too much and gotten sick, but then he smelt his own fecal matter and the brown stain on the rug and immediately he regretted consuming all those Vodka/Ex-lax shooters.

If you like this brand of inane and completely pointless material (I'm sorry by the way) you might enjoy these other articles of mine which are exactly the same thing.

Lines I'd Like to See in Print

Lines I'd Like to See in Print 2

Lines I'd Like to See in Print 3

WARNING: Do Not Iron on Lottery Ticket

Come on what person in their right mind would even consider using an iron on a lottery ticket? If you ask me a person this challenged has only earned one ticket to the insane asylum. Ha, Ha, Ha!

WARNING: Not for Personal Hygiene

Looks like your bathroom isn't the only squeaky clean place in the house! Can't you determine what the purpose of this brush is for even without reading the warning? It's pathetic that this is even on the warning label.

WARNING: Do Not Hold Wrong End of Chainsaw

Well there goes one hand! But, hey aren't you glad you were born with 2? That other hand would come in handy in the event that a giant chainsaw chopped the other one off.

WARNING: Do Not Put Person in Washing Machine

Wow, this washing machine is truly special because you can do your laundry and take a bath at the same time. If you get bored you can always watch your cloths going around in a circle. How dumb are people?

WARNING: Do Not Eat iPod Shuffle

Now where did I put my iPod Shuffle? Oh, wait I think it was my lunch today so I know its safe and sound in my stomach. Seriously, I could not believe this warning label. A person who would eat an electronic device could not even be described in words.

WARNING: If You Cannot Understand Directions, Do Not Use

I have just one question. If you cannot read this label how will you be able to understand not to use this product?

WARNING: Do Not Use a Lit Match to Check Fuel Level

What retard would use a lit match to check the fuel level? If you are that much of an idiot in the first place how in the world did you obtain a driver's license?

WARNING: No Bad Language While Talking on Mobile Phone

This is just hilarious. What kind of warning is this exactly? I'm not a fan of foul language but come one are they for real?

WARNING: Use Care when Operating a Car or Dangerous Machinery (medication for dogs)

I don't know very many dogs that have the ability to drive but if I did maybe we could carpool to and from work to save on gas.

WARNING: Stupidity

This is not a warning label but is still is an instructional label printed on clothing.

You be the judge of this.

Nebraska State Senator, Ernie Chambers, filed a lawsuit against God last year, claiming he made terroristic threats against the occupants of Omaha.  He also said that God inspired fear while causing "wide spread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of Earth's inhabitants."  Douglas County District Court Judge, Marlon Polk, ruled that the plaintiff must have access to the defendant in order for the lawsuit to hold.  Considering the circumstances, that proved to be a little difficult.  Senator Chambers, however, claimed that because God is a recognized figure in the courts and is omniscent, he is already aware of the lawsuit against him and is therefore subject to the rulings like anyone else.

One Jackass Sues Another

A Montana man is suing Viacom, the media giant who produced the TV show "Jackass."  He claims the show, and later the movie, released in 2002, plagiarized his name, infringed on trademark, and defamed his good name.  That name?  Jack Ass.  He had it legally changed from Bob Craft to Jack Ass in 1997 in order to "raise awareness about the dangers of drunken driving."  (How?  Don't ask me...)  Jack Ass, the person, not the show, says he changed his name after his brother and a friend were killed in a car accident as the result of drunken driving.  He's seeking a minimum of $10 million in damages.

Be Careful Who You Marry

A woman sued her fiance when he broke off their seven-week engagement.  A jury awared her a total of $178,000 in damages; $93,000 was for "pain and suffering," $60,000 for loss of income while she pursued this case, and $25,000 for psychiatric counseling.  That's pretty bad, but think about how much he'd be paying if he actually married her...

The Effects of Car Accidents Aren't Just Physical

A 27-year-old Michigan man was involved in a minor rear-end collision.  Four years later, he sued the man who rear-ended him, claiming the accident caused a change in his sexuality.  He no longer desired his wife and was unable to perform sexually.  He claimed that the accident actually changed his entire personality, causing him to leave his wife, move in with his parents, and begin hanging out in gay bars.  The worst part of this case?  He actually won it!  He was awarded $200,000 and his wife was awarded $25,000.

Haunted Houses Aren't Supposed to be Scary, Right?

In 2000, a woman sued Universal Studios for $15,000, claiming that the studio's Halloween Horror Nights haunted house caused her "extreme fear, mental anguish and emotional distress."  This poor woman.  I mean, she had absolutely no idea what she was getting into, right?  Who'd have thought...

Michael Jordan Look-A-Like

In 2006, a man sued Michael Jordan as well as the founder of Nike, Phil Knight, for $832 million.  He claimed that because he was often mistaken for the basketball star, he had suffered permanent damage, including defamation of character and emotional pain and suffering.  He later dropped the lawsuit. 

Beer = Beautiful Women?

In 1991, a Michigan man sued Anheuser-Busch for false and misleading advertising.  He also claimed that he suffered personal injury as a result of the false advertisement.  In his complaint, he referenced a Bud Lite commerical in which two beautiful women come to life for a couple of Budweiser truck drivers.  Because this didn't happen to him when he drank the beer, he claimed that these false advertisements caused him emotional distress, mental injury, and financial loss.  He sued in excess of $10,000.  The court dismissed all his claims.

Man Sues Himself

In 1995, a prisoner by the name of Robert Lee Brock sued himself for $5 million.  He claimed he was entitled to sue himself because he had violated his own civil rights, as well as his religious beliefs, when he allowed himself to get drunk and commit crimes of grand larceny.  At the time of this lawsuit, he was serving a 23-year sentence for his crimes.  Brock claimed that because he was a ward of the state and was therefore prevented from earning an income, the state should have to pay the $5 million he owed himself.  This case was immediately thrown out.  Just more proof that prisoners have WAY too much time on their hands...

Never Trust the Weatherman

A woman in Israel sued a tv station and it's weatherman for $1,000 when the weatherman predicted a sunny day and it rained.  She said that, because the forecast was clear, she left home underdressed.  She then caught the flu, missed 4 days of work, spent $38 on medications and "suffered stress" as a result of a badly forecasted day.

The Sea Ain't Big Enough For Both of Us

A surfer recently sued another surfer after he had supposedly "stolen his wave."  The case was immediately dismissed because no price can be placed on the "pain and suffering" one endures when he watches another surfer ride a wave that was "intended" for him...  Bummer, dude.

There's a Full Moon Tonight

While attempting to moon someone out of his 4th story dorm room, an Idaho student lost his balance and fell, injuring himself.  He sued the university for "not warning him of the dangers of living on the fourth floor."  Who would have imagined that gravity had such an impact.

It Hurts Me More Than It Hurts You

A woman hit a man on a snowmobile as he crossed a street.  The man died at the scene.  The police decided that because the man had cut in front of her without warning, she was free of blame.  However, she turned around and sued the man's widow, claiming that she suffered crippling psychological and emotional pain from watching the man die.  As if the widow didn't have enough to deal with, with the untimely death of her husband...

Is It Supposed to Do That?

A convicted bank robber on parole walked into a bank, stated he had a bomb, and demanded the teller to give him all of the money.  As trained, the teller obeyed, also slipping an anti-theft device into the bag with the money.  The device released teargas, as intended, and the bank robber sued the bank for damages.

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

A woman, looking to save a little money, asked her friend if he would give her a hair-cut.  Unhappy with her new look, however, she turned around and sued her friend, claiming he had "willfully, intentionally and maliciously" cut her hair without her consent.  She sought $75,000 in damages.

When You Gotta Go

A man attending an Elton John/Billy Joel concert sued the city of San Diego.  He claims he suffered "emotional trauma" after he witnessed multiple women using the urinals and toilets in the men's bathroom.  Not wanting to wait in the long lines for the ladies' bathroom, many of the women used the men's instead.  The man filed a $5.4 million lawsuit, claiming the incident was "extremely upsetting."  He claimed his right to privacy was violated, and he was subjected to a "very disturbing" sight. 

Killer Willy

In 1999, 27-year-old Daniel Dukes was found dead and naked on the back of an orca at SeaWorld in Orlando, Florida.  Dukes' parents sued the park for several million dollars, claiming SeaWorld portrayed the dangerous killer whales as cuddly, huggable creatures.  Did I mention this man was 27-YEARS-OLD?!  Not a little kid who would normally be influenced by these false portrayals of deadly animals.  Really...they aren't nicknamed "killer whales" for nothing. 

Burn, Baby, Burn

A North Carolina man purchased 24 rare and expensive cigars.  Because of their value, he decided to insure them...against fire.  The man smoked all of his cigars in less than a month and had yet to make a single payment on his fire insurance.  He filed a claim against the insurance company, stating that he had lost his cigars in a "series of small fires."  The insurance company obviously refused to pay, believing that he had simply used the cigars as intended.  The man won his case against the insurance company because they failed to specify the type of fire the cigars were insured against.  Because they failed to define an "unacceptable fire," the insurance company accepted the ruling against them and paid the man $15,000 for the cigars he had lost in the "fire."  However, the best part of this story is yet to come.  Shortly after the man cashed the check, the insurance company countered and had him arrested on 24 counts of arson.  The man was sentenced to 24 consecutive 1-year prison sentences.

Oops

In Naples, Italy, a young man and his girlfriend were engaging in *ahem* "amorous activity" in the back of his little car when it was rear-ended by a large car.  According to the man, the impact from the collision caused them to momentarily lose control, resulting in pregnancy.  The couple sought compensation not only for car repairs, but also for the cost of the wedding that the couple decided to have after discovering his girlfriend was pregnant. 

The King Lives?

A Fort Worth man sued Elvis Presley Enterprises, claiming that Elvis was not actually dead.  He contends that the King faked his death and ran off to live a normal life.  How does he know this?  He has frequent phone conversations with him.

Best Laid Plans

A man attempts to kill himself by jumping in front of a subway in New York City.  His plan fails, however, and he lives through the incident.  When he recovers, he sues the city of New York for $650,000.  Why?  Because the train hit him.

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Thanks McCain for letting us know that cooking something makes it hot.  Thank goodness you told us that.  I wouldn't want to burn my finger and sue you for a million bucks claiming I was too stupid to know that.  If you don't understand that cooking makes something hot, how would you know to cook it?  If a tree falls in the forest...  You get my drift!

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Okay, I'm following the use the safety seat and belts provided part of the sign.  I'm not sure why it's unsafe to put them in the grocery portion of the cart or how you'd even have room for groceries if they were in there.  It's the underneath part of the sign that is most concerning.  Sometimes I think you should have to pass some sort of test before becoming a parent.  Does this mean somebody put their kid under the cart and they got hurt?  There must have been some reason that's on the sign...scary.

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This warning on a plastic bag is completely valid.  You definitely should not put a plastic bag over your head or let kids play with it.  It's the pictures of the warning that are so amusing.  The guy on the left is choking himself while singing in a choir with a pickle jar on his head and the baby on the right looks like he's an astronaut!  Maybe they could have just wrote "Don't put plastic bags on your head dummy" in 15 different languages or something.

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This warning label is from a sling shot.  The warnings all make sense until they say "Never aim your PocketShot at people or animals, not even cats.".  Some warning writer sure doesn't like cats!  Hysterical!!!

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This paper shredder must have a lot more options than the one we have.  There's no way I'd consider putting my hand or tie in the shredder!  Only the middle sign makes any sense.  No staples or paper clips -- okay.  No hand and no tie --- what?  What did I even buy this thing for?  At least I can put my hair in it!

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This sign posted near a San Francisco beach makes a lot of sense in most beaches.  Totally good for a laugh and keeps people's rear ends covered!  Reminds me of when I was shopping for my wedding shoes.  I wanted to get flip flops to wear under my dress for the ceremony so I ran to Pay Less.  I found the perfect white sparkly flip flops while shopping there with my Mom.  Unfortunately, I yelled out "Hey Mom, I just found my wedding thongs!" really loud in the store.  It sure make everyone look at us!

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This sign itself is strange.  The dog is not vicious or rabid or loud or likely to bite.  It's just a little strange.  I wonder what that means?  Is it wearing one of the Halloween costumes I wrote about in 10 Hysterically Funny Costumes for Dogs?

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Why did they need to make a law against feeding alligators?  Would all violators of this law be "taken care of" during the commission of the crime?  And what exactly do they mean by "molesting alligators"?  Perhaps that's best left unknown...

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You're on your own for the next 3 miles.  You'll have to be ever vigilant of dangers around you.  We're warning you that we're not going to warn you.  Um, is there something that you should be warning us about?  Why didn't you make a sign for that instead of warning us there were no warning signs?

So, the next time you're driving around or cooking your lunch or walking down the street, pay attention to the signs around you.  You never know what they might say!

Now, witch of these three 'tales' is true?

Answer: None of them is true, I all made them up!

1. In Alabama it's against the law to flick boogers into the wind. 
2. In Alaska it's illegal to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.
3. In Arizona it's against the law to hunt camels.
4. In Little Rock Arkansas it's illegal to walk your cow down Main Street after 1:00 PM on Sunday.
5. In Baldwin Park Ca. it's illegal to ride your bicycle in a swimming pool.
6. In Colorado you may not ride a horse while under the influence.
7. In Hartford Connecticut it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
8. In Florida men may not be seen publicly in any kind of a strapless gown.
9. In Georgia all sex toys are banned.
10. In Idaho you may not fish from a camels back.
11. Fort Thomas Kentucky dogs may not molest cars.
12. New Orleans Louisiana  you cannot tie an alligator to a fire hydrant.

Note: This article is strictly for entertainment only, so please don't try and use them as evidence in court.