Hands-Free Kit

You are on the road, heading for work. A collegue is calling you to tell you something important. You are driving and you can't let your hands off the steering wheel because cops are watching! Well here is an excellent solution for your need. You don't have to spend a dime for a new bluetooth handsfree. All you need is a tape and there you have your own handsfree.

Office timetable

Do you find your job boring? Wanna choose something more interesting? Well you should apply for this job! Check out their timetable! Oh yeah, I love this job!

How to cheat at darts

Your friends challenge you for a darts game. You don't have a clue about darts! So what are you going to do? Simple!!! Check out the following picture and you will surely win anyone at darts!

Hope you liked the today's funny stuff! More funny stuff tomorrow!

1. Start with one foot then step together and then act like you would sit and then jump backward and land. remember to never look down.
2. Before you start your jump by "digging down".
3. Don't jump backwards or you will fall.
4. Remember to not look down.
5. Don't put your arms on your butt.
6. Begin to extend your back toward the landing.
7. Bend your knees as you land

Tips

• Remember to have a spotter when trying to do backflips.
  
• For the safest Backflips have a trainer work with you.
  
• Injury may result from improper conduct.

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How those words resonate down the years! It has to be said though, that mothers do teach you to appreciate that if you are going to do it, you do it well. Wasn't she the one who told you that if you really had to kill your brother, then to do it outside because she had just finished the cleaning? Thought so! 

Cupcakes are NOT a breakfast food

 

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Yes, they teach you how to eat properly - and sometimes even how to cook. One of the more important things that mothers do is teach you all about religion. Do you not remember her saying “You had better pray that will come out of my new carpet”? Ah, memories!

Psst! Did you flush?

 

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She takes you to all the Disney films but then slips in to the conversation when you are an adult that it was a major deciding factor in having children. At least with animation you get to learn about the circle of life. Sometimes learning from the silver screen is better than being told that they brought you in to this world and they can sure as hell take you out of it again! Then there's behavior modification: how many times were you told to stop acting like your father?

I don't care what "everyone" is doing. I care what YOU are doing!

 

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Life sometimes teaches you hard lessons and quite often these lessons come from mom! What the lady down the road allows her children to do is most certainly not what you are allowed to do. If only there was a text book to teach parents how to be more laid back and cool. Mothers also teach you about the crime that is hypocrisy. “Do not exaggerate! Haven't I told you that a million times?” Remember that one, huh?

You can go out to play...after you brush your teeth and comb your hair.

 

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How many millions of kids in the world didn't have a wonderful mother like yours? How many times were you reminded of us. Another lesson, that of envy! As for the “eat up, there are starving children in Africa” ploy, don't even go there!

Always wear clean underwear in case you get in an accident

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Oh yes, be prepared! That is the motto of the day, every day - despite the fact you have as much chance getting an A grade at school than getting knocked over by a car. Anticipation of things that never happen, though, is far better than anticipation of things that will. Those six scary words still cause fear. Wait. Till. Your. Father. Gets. Home.

A little "birdy" told me

 

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Don't put that in your mouth, you don't know where it's been

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The birds and the bees come up in conversation and it is the mother's duty to let the kids know where they came from. Most were, apparently, born in barns. They also teach us the basics of that noble science, genetics. How many times were you told that you were just like your father? And so ended the lesson!

I don't buy snacks to feed the neighborhood

 

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Humor! Mothers have to have it to get through the day and they make sure that they pass this down to their offspring. Who can forget the immortal line “When your toes get cut off by that lawn mower, then don't come running to me!” Then there is the similarly unforgettable line “Here, take the scissors, go running with them! But don't come running to me when you stab yourself through the heart!” Ah, memories are made of such stuff!

If God had wanted you to have holes in your ears (eyebrows, tongue, etc.) He would have put them there!

 

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Ah! The wisdom of motherhood! When you get to my age they say, you will understand why I am doing this. So we wait and we still don't understand. Then we wait some more. You get the picture. Finally, she turns to you and tells you with a murderous glance that she hopes that one day, when you have kids, that they turn out to be just like you. And guess what? That's exactly what happens and you turn in to your mother!

Yes, it emits yellow light! It is awesome to watch. WARNING, SCIENCE CONTENT. This is how it works. The electricity flowing through the pickle excites the sodium ions that make up the salt in the pickle. When the electrons fall back down into their orbit around their atom, they emit the yellow light. You have to go watch a video of it to understand how awesome it is.

Facts taken from Wimp.com

• Barbie's full name is Barbara Milicent Roberts.
• It is impossible to lick your elbow.
• A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.
• A shrimp's heart is in their head.
• People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, you're heart stops for a mili-second.
• In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand (or attempted to do so).
• It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
• A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
• Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.
• By law, every child in Belgium must take harmonica lessons at Primary school.
• On average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.
• More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
• Rats and horses can't vomit.
• The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
• If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
• Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.
• Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
• If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
• In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
• The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
• Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
• A duck's quack doesn't echo anywhere, and no one knows why.
• 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.
• In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.
• Most lipstick contains fish scales.
• Cat's urine glows under a black light.
• Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
• If you keep your eyes open by force, they will pop out.

Cool facts huh? Gross that you eat so many insects during your sleep...yuck.

He swung at me first, but being in the top of condition, I was able
to act quickly and block the punch neatly with my head.
Whereupon I jumped to the ground knocking him down on top of me.
Then I placed my ear in his mouth and poked his finger several times
with my eye.

His teeth hurt from the strength of my ear, and he became irate and
tried to kick me, but I cleverly blocked the onslaught with my ribs
and face.

I scrambled to my feet and ran to my car in hopes that I would get
away and save this man from my deadly hands. Before I could start
the car he pulled me from the still open door. I then proceeded to
swing at him, but only managed to hit myself in the head. I
said: "What's this? Two against one?" That was the final straw-I
lost all control. There will be no mercy!

Taking him in my death grip, I pounded him in the knee with my
stomach-then I hit him two or three times hard in the fist with my
teeth! He had had it! I could tell. After that he didn't even try
to pick me up off the ground. He was too chicken!!!!

1. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
2. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
3. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, "Okay, that'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
4. When they say, "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
5. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If (s)he says it, say, "Please don't mention that word."
6. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
7. When they say, "Will that be all?" snicker and say, "We'll find out, won't we?"
8. When you're given the price, say, "Ooh, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
9. Put them on hold.
10. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
11. When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more 'oomph' this time."
12. Start the conversation with "My Call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and... action!"
13. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
14. Change your accent every three seconds.
15. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."