1. TCS. This computer sucks.
2. IMAD. I married a dud.
3. MBHBO. My boyfriend has body odor.
4. SMPP. Squeeze my pimple please.
5. MBIO. My boyfriend is obnoxious.
6. KYDJ. Keep your day job.
7. PPP. Can't you tell I have to pee?
8. YAAN. You are a Neanderthal.
9. YABM. You are boring me.
10. SSM. Stop spamming me.
11. SBM. Stop bugging me.
12. DPYN. Don't pick your nose.
13. YAAL. You are a loser.
14. FFF. Fast foods forever.
15. IHTOH. I have tons of homework.
16. GAL. Get a life.
17. SAF. She's a fox.
18. HAH. He's a hunk.
19. BYT. Brush your teeth.
20. TAADMC. These abbreviations are driving me crazy.
21. YBICOY. Your boyfriend is cheating on you.
22. HAP. He's a pig.
23. HIS. He sure is.
24. DYD. Dump your date.
25. CUYA. Clean up your act.

1. You'd rather make a pass at a girl instead of passing a ball
2. You'd rather score with a girl instead of making a basket
3. Your shoelaces become untied every time you're at half court
4. You don't know much about fouls except that you know that you have a foul mouth
5. You believe that a full court press is taking smelly uniforms to the cleaners to get cleaned and pressed
6. You shoot at the ball with a slingshot
7. When you're told that you are going to play right guard, you start applying a deodorant under your armpits
8. You'd rather dunk a doughnut than a basketball
9. When you are told to block the shot, you tackle the shooter instead
10. When you are told to steal the ball, you take the ball home with you

1. He still cowards in fear of the Wicked Witch of the West
2. He holds his blanket around him tighter than you
3. He faints at the first sign of blood from a nosebleed
4. He still has nightmares from watching Bambi
5. He makes sure that all the lights are left on when he goes to sleep
6. He needs to be read a bedtime story at night
7. The sight of a little spider makes him cringe. He insists that you kill it.
8. He's afraid to change a light bulb because he would have to use a step stool
9. He believes that one pimple will deface him for life
10. The thought of seeing a dentist makes him break out in a cold sweat
11. He runs at the first sight of seeing a black cat
12. If he hears a balloon pop, he jumps out of his pants
13. He doesn't like playing volleyball because he's afraid that someone might spike the ball on his pinky
14. He's always wearing gym shoes in case he has to run away from someone
15. If someone slams the door, he will jump higher than a kangaroo
16. He still has nightmares after watching Shrek. He believes that a great big ogre is following him.
17. He's afraid to take a walk in the park. You never know who's going to be in the park.
18. He doesn't like to go down in the basement. He's heard that people who go down in the basement disappear forever. He's also afraid that the furnace might go on while he's in the basement. Furnaces need human flesh to keep their flame alive.
19. The thought of having sex with you frightens him. He believes that his performance will go down in history as a major disaster.
20. He's afraid to light a match. He fears that his fingers will get all burned up.
21. He hates the sound of knife blades. He believes that Freddy Krueger is after him.
22. He's always looking at his watch. He wants to make sure that time hasn't stopped.
23. He's afraid of eating hot, spicy foods. He believes that his tongue will be on fire.
24. He shudders at being called to answer a question in class. All the students will laugh at him. His ego will be shot.
25. He's fearful of raking leaves. He believes that the Leaf Monster will pile leaves on top of him and bury him alive.

It's time to open your Christmas presents. You're feeling just grand until you open the gift that you never wanted to receive. Here are twenty holiday gifts that will really sour your spirit:

1. A gift pack of Old Spice aftershave and cologne. Enough Old Spice already. You've been getting this gift for five years and each package is collecting dust.
2. A gift basket of Spam. What in the world were you thinking? It may look pretty but it's still Spam.
3. His and her deodorant. Are you trying to send a message? For this you get a lump of coal next year.
4. A package of designer condoms. Ha, ha, ha. Very funny. The only one that is not laughing is you.
5. A ten-pound chocolate Santa. Now you're getting absurd. Santa was never meant to be a ten-pound chunk of chocolate.
6. A Teletubbies necktie. This will really knock them dead at the bailout hearings in Congress.
7. A year's supply of condiments. Just what you always wanted. NOT!
8. A How to Book on dieting. You've just lost fifty pounds this year. Are you supposed to look like a stick?
9. A gift pack of artificial cheese flavors. For the last time, standing in the return line is not fun.
10. A coffee mug set with John McCain and Sarah Palin on both mugs. Someone is recycling their gift and giving it to you. And you voted for Barack Obama.
11. Two packages of diapers. This could really come in handy except for the fact that your son is now twelve years old.
12. A talking Rosie O'Donnell doll. Even if you remove the batteries, she's still talking.
13. Two tickets to a future Detroit Lions game. Oh the pain and the agony.
14. A book on how you can make a million dollars in the new bailout game
15. A handcrafted doll of Ann Coulter with her mouth shut. On second hand, this would make a cool novelty gift.
16. A Kung Fu Barbie. I think that your son wanted a Kung Fu Panda.
17. A children's tea set that has just been recalled. I believe that the warning “This toy contains an unacceptable level of lead” is a dead giveaway.
18. A six pack of Barbie and Ken underwear
19. A fruitcake made up of prunes. The relief that you get from this gift will be short lived.
20. A Britney Spears beach volleyball. I guess this is one way to spike an opponent.

1. You betcha going to have a promising New Year if you don't lose your job
2. Never go skinny-dipping in the middle of an Alaskan winter
3. You're a real swine if you put lipstick on a pig
4. Run for Vice President and you too can be rich and famous
5. The bailout is not good unless it does good things in which case it is…
6. Running for President is like playing hockey, the goal of the game is to score big and win
7. If you look across Alaska real hard, you too can see Russia
8. I'm not opposed to a marriage being gay. We all like to see a happy marriage.
9. Golly gee, I can't wait until you read my book, “Don't Get Mad, Get Even.”.
10. I wonder whatever became of John “what's his name” who ran with me to become President

1. The water that comes out of your faucet is brown
2. The bed bugs are having a pillow fight
3. The bed sags in places that have never been sagged before
4. Your alarm clock screeches
5. There's a sign on your doorknob that says, “Enter at Your Own Risk.”.
6. Your telephone requires dialing and is also pink
7. There is a distinct odor in the air that says, “I'm moldy and feeling fine.”.
8. The television set in your room is in black and white. It also doesn't work.
9. There is a book in your bedroom drawer that says, “How to Make Out Your Will.”.
10. The toilet cannot be flushed. The water faucet leaks. The lighting in your room flickers.

1. Picking at your teeth with your fingers. Go buy some floss! Also, it is not cool to floss your teeth in public.
2. Rubbing your head to get out all the dandruff. It's wintertime. We see enough snow outside. We don't need to see it snowing inside too.
3. Blowing your nose to sound like an elephant. If you have to blow your nose, do so in a polite, quiet manner.
4. Smelling your armpits for sweat. If you have to smell them, then you know they're really bad. You don't have to advertise this in public.
5. Interrupting every conversation with inane comments. If you don't have something important to say, keep it to yourself.
6. Releasing gas from your bottom. In other words, farting. Keep it silent and contained. If someone looks at you sternly, point to another person.
7. Picking at your ear. No one wants to see your collection of earwax.
8. Picking at your nose. It may not be easy being green, but we don't have to see it to believe it.
9. Blowing bubble gum in your ear. Not as common as most bad habits, but it really can drive you crazy.
10. Tapping your fingers on the desk or table. It starts off slowly but quickly picks up steam. By the end of a couple minutes, you'll start hearing this tapping in your sleep.

1. That's not lipstick. It's red marker. I accidentally got some on my collar while working on my presentation.
2. My secretary accidentally tripped and her mouth landed on my collar. I know that you are upset. I would be upset too. It's going to be very hard to clean my shirt.
3. You think that it is lipstick? How silly. It's actually a little red wine that was spilled on me by my co-worker. I'm going to have to talk to her about this in the morning.
4. I'm not having an affair. My best friend Jerry Splunker is having the affair. I tried to break up the affair when his mistress accidentally rubbed her face against my collar.
5. I was testing lipsticks to buy for you on your birthday. I guess that I got carried away.
6. You've been talking about swinging. I just wanted to test out the field first.
7. Jerome Baker was painting my room in the office when he accidentally got careless and dripped some paint on my desk and on my collar
8. I know that it looks bad. I prefer a lighter shade of pink myself.
9. I was pretending to give you a great big kiss when my lips accidentally crossed the lips of Sheila Sunshine
10. I was stuck on the elevator for thirty minutes. Wouldn't you know that Violet Thumper was stuck on the same elevator? It was hot and sticky on the elevator. I was close to passing out. Violet was kind enough to give me mouth to mouth. Thank goodness that I pulled through. I was worried about you all the time.

1. Use the GM stock certificates as gift-wrapping
2. Use the GM stock certificates to decorate the Christmas tree
3. Use the GM stock certificates and make them into paper airplanes
4. Use the GM stock certificates as wallpaper and decorate your office
5. Give your GM stock certificates to your girlfriend to let her know how much you care about her
6. Give your GM stock certificates to your dog as a chew toy
7. Give your GM stock certificates to a homeless person to use as a blanket
8. Give your GM stock certificates to your son so that he can play the “Make Believe I'm Rich” game
9. Use the GM stock certificates to blow your nose in case of an emergency
10. Arrange the GM stock certificates on a dartboard. Take careful aim. See how many bull's-eyes you can make while crying over the worthlessness of your investments.

You're on a boat and a violent storm capsizes the ship. The only survivor is you. You manage to swim to a deserted island. Here are twenty people who you would not want to see on a desert island:

1. Your argumentative mother-in-law who wants to nag you
2. Your lawyer who is ready to make out your will
3. Barney the Dinosaur with Baby Bop who want to make you happy
4. The Teletubbies along with a bunch of happy, hopping bunnies who want to annoy you with their sweetness
5. Dora the Explorer who is out to rescue you
6. Gilligan from Gilligan's Island who accidentally crashes his boat onto your island
7. A representative from the IRS who wants to audit you
8. A used car salesman who wants to sell you a lemon
9. The Terminator who is out to SEE YOU!
10. Karl Rove from the Republican Party who is out to turn you into the next John McCain
11. Bob from Account Temps who is out to replace you
12. E.T. who is also looking for his home.
13. Dr. Evil who has plans for YOU!
14. Freddie Krueger who wants to enter your dreams
15. Granny Clampett who is looking for a fella to hitch up with
16. Jaws from James Bond who is hungry for a bite of human flesh
17. Martha Stewart who would like to knit a scarf for you
18. Sarah Palin who wants to bore you to tears
19. Darth Vader who has plans to turn you towards the dark side
20. The Wicked Witch who wants to liquidate you