1. Virtually everything you say is a quote from somewhere else.

Example: All your jokes and puns are regurgitated Family Guy lines, which you usually get wrong anyway.  Don't worry, people normally give you a courtesy laugh for effort, but this is a major sign your humor is more dried up than a bottle of Jack's used to comfort your empty life.

2. You laugh at your own jokes hysterically, during and after the joke is complete.

Example: A female spills juice on her jeans and states she is all wet, your first reaction is to say, "I make that happen to all women."  Then you proceed to laugh so hard your eyes close and you can't see the fact that everyone in the room hates you.  Open your eyes, the only thing funny in the room is what people are calling you in their thoughts.

3. You use swearing as a tool to emphasize everything, even if no emphasis is needed.

Example: If someone censored you during one of your attempts to be funny, you would sound like a mix of the Jerry Springer show crossed with a censored version your Dad's reaction to the news that your Mother was pregnant with you.  

4. You always take things too far.

Example: You come very close to actually saying something funny, then cancel and destroy every trace of funny by saying something so ridiculous and incoherent that the mood in the room goes from comfortable to awkward faster then your Mom regretted not taking the morning after pill.

5. You are incomprehensibly random.

Example: The odds you were the fastest swimmer is a random act of nature.  The odds that your anti-humorous brain will be able to stew up a joke that is related to the topic at hand with a touch of randomness would be a random act of - wait, it would never happen.

6. You never let-up.

Example: You attempt to make a group of people laugh with no success.  You try to make up for it by getting louder and less funny, usually alcohol fuels this irritating fire.  The best thing to do at this point is consume all the alcohol in the room and spend the night in the hospital.  At least the hospital staff will think you're funny when you wake up and realize a comedic genius drew a phallic symbol pointing at your mouth with permanent marker.

7. You interrupt other funny people to add your special not-funny touch.

Example: When someone else is on a roll and is succeeding in making other people laugh, you feel the need to ruin the mood and everyone's appetite by exhaling air from your humor-incapable lungs.  Stop breathing the funny man's air and just listen!

Please, if you know anyone less humorous than a cat not capable of human language, help them by adding to this list.

I have to place this one at the top of my list because I've predicted what the initial reaction of the viewers is already. I came across this random site out of nowhere and found an advertisement for this 'toilet' which claimed the product would (quote) 'Make Urinating Fun!' This is what gave me the idea of writing this article, you see.

Thumb Wrestling Ring

I found this funny little invention on the same product seller website, in fact. I'm certain that it will keep your thumbs healthy - its a great idea for thumb exercise! Simply get a friend, put your thumbs in, and go. You could probably even get an audience to place bets of it.

Inflatable Dartboard

If you haven't noticed yet, then here's the clue: Dart plus inflatable equals? I seriously have to wonder how it works; after all, I have not bought this product (it would be funny if the thing blew up as soon as I tried to play with it) and so do not know the consequences of puncturing the board. You never know, because you may be the one who orders this invention online and find that it really isn't so stupid. Until then, why don't we maintain our negative attitudes?

Anti-Fart Pants

Whoever patented this pair of underpants must have had some serious gas issues - if you know what I mean. It supposedly has an in-built gas filter, made out of felt, charcoal, and fiberglass wool. It is also air proof both at the waist area and the leg openings, once worn. The filters require replacing from time to time, depending on frequency of 'use', which could either simply be the number of times wearing them, or the number of farts released while wearing them.

Pet Diaper Harness

The problem with using normal pet diapers is that they tend to fall off. With the new pet diaper harness, you can be certain that they don't. Imagine your pet was able to use the bathroom literally anywhere. This could be in the mall, at a restaurant, or at a friend's house. The only issue would be the smell, of course.

Light-Up Toilet

It's night time, dark, and you don't want to wake up your family by opening the lights to the bathroom. You sit down, do your 'job', and realize - 'Darn, where is the toilet paper?' With this amazingly retarded invention, you can now be at peace during the hours of nice while sitting on the toilet. This is because every single time you site on it, sensors detect your presence and automatically switch on a cool neon-green light to let you see how you're doing. Isn't it great?

Remote Controlled Burp Machine

This may look innocent at first glance, but it's really a weapon of mass destruction! Whoever designed it was a genius! Simply press a button on the small remote control to release a wave of destructive burp sounds. Warning: keep device away from teachers, parents, employees (unless you want to get fired), girlfriend, boyfriend, little kids (it's a bad influence), old people (this product poses as a serious health risk to them), etc...

Note:

I actually cannot tell you where to buy most of these products. I was being 'humorous' when I informed you that I could.

Now that the boring introduction's out of the way, on to the fun part:

The Cursed Car

   In September 1955, a man named James Dean was killed by a car accident while he was driving his Porsche. Afterward, the car had some very unlucky occurrences surrounding it.

First, when the car was towed away from the accident, the engine slipped out and fell on one of the mechanics, which unfortunately shattered both of his legs.

If that wasn't bad enough, the engine was bought by a doctor, who decided to put it into a racing car that he owned. He was later killed in a race in which he had been using the car with the cursed engine.

Then, when the Porsche was repaired, the garage that it was repaired in was burned down in a fire.
The car was later put on display in Sacramento, California, but it fell off of it's mount and ended up breaking a teenager's hip.

Later, in Oregon, the trailer that the car was mounted on slipped from it's towbar and smashed right through the front of a shop.

4 years later, in 1959, the car somehow broke into 11 pieces. (and while it was on steel supports!)

The Legend of King Umberto

   Monza, Italy.

One day, King Umberto I went to dinner at a small restaurant. When the owner took his order, he noticed that the two of them looked identical. They talked to each other and found even more similarities.

• Both were born on the same day, in the same year. (March 14th, 1844)
• Both had been born in the same town.
• Both married a woman named Margherita.
• The owner of the restaurant started business on the same day that Umberto was crowned King of Italy.

On July 29th, 1900, King Umberto was told that the restaurant owner had died that day in a mysterious shooting accident. As Umberto was feeling regretful for him, a wild-looking man suddenly pushed through a crowd and assassinated Umberto.

A Friendly Game of Poker

   In 1858, Robert Fallon was shot and died while playing poker. He had apparently been killed as an act of revenge by the people playing with him. They claimed he had won the $600 (worth a lot back then) pot through cheating. With his seat now empty and none of the other players wanting to take the now unlucky $600, they found someone new to take his place, and staked him with the $600.

Later, when police arrived to investigate the killing, the new player had already turned the $600 into $2200 in winnings. The police demanded that he give the original $600 to Fallon's next of kin - and discovered that the new player was Fallon's son, who hadn't seen his father for seven years!

The Mystery Monk

   In Austria during the 19th century, a near-famous painter named Joseph Aigner attempted to commit suicide several times.

1. First attempt - Aigner tried to hang himself at the age of 18, but was interrupted by a mysterious monk.
2. Second attempt - At age 22, he tried again to hang himself, but was interrupted by the same monk.
3. Eight years later, he was sentenced to death, but was saved by yet again the same monk.

 At age 68, he was finally successful in committing suicide. His funeral ceremony was conducted by, amazingly, the same monk.

The Occurrence of Greenberry Hill

   November 26, 1911:

   Three men were hanged at Greenberry Hill in London after being convicted of murdering Sir Edmund Berry   Godfrey. The names of the killers were Robert GREEN, Henry BERRY, and Lawrence HILL.

Texting is a wonderful, modern, quick and easy way of communicating - however, the consequences of pressing the “send” button before checking exactly what your phone has interpreted to be your intended wording, can be catastrophically embarrassing.

I speak from painful experience….

1. Only last week, on my way to work, after being in a stationary queue for 25 minutes on the car-park which is the M6, worried that my colleagues at work would be beginning to slag me off for my unauthorised absence, I sent a quick text to my boss.

It was only later, when I arrived at the front door of my office, I noticed what message my boss would have received from me

“Will be a bit late, Stuck in massive Steve” !!??!!

My phone had taken q u e u e and kindly transformed it into s t e v e (same buttons).

It took some time to explain that I was late due to traffic and not because of my participation of a weird sex game with a bloke called Steve.

2. Oddly enough, the boss that I sent message 1 to, was the same boss that, one year earlier, I requested a couple of days off to visit my brother on the island of Jersey - at the end of my trip, the island was engulfed in thick fog, and my flight was unexpectedly cancelled.

In the ensuing confusion, aware that I would not be at work as arranged the following Monday morning, I texted my boss.

“Won't be in tomorrow, stuck in dog”

Is it any wonder I often catch my boss eying me suspiciously.

3.  I was visiting a new restaurant, an elderly aunt had booked a table there the following night - so she asked me to report on the quality of the food etc.

After the meal I texted her details of the wonderful food and ended the text telling her that I had

“tossed it off with a bottle of red wine”

T o p p e d is what I typed - honestly.

4. My mum had spent weeks arranging a large family party, being fussy, and knowing that I am often late, she sent me a text asking me if I was ready and had I set off yet.

I sent her one back…..

“I have got aids”

I had to explain to my frantic mother that I had typed the word “a g e s”

5. My other half was amused a few weeks ago when I sent him a text

“will you sick up something for lunch”

He sent one back saying that he would, and it would still be preferable to my cooking!

Luckily, mobile phone technology has advanced, and many new models have a full keyboard on them - making predictive text obsolete, I really think that I ought to invest in one.

Even so, typing can be equally dangerous - A few years ago, I posted out a detailed document to a prestigious client, I recoiled in horror to see that I had missed the letter “O” out of the title - which was - “Statement of Account”. !!!

Maybe my typo was accurate!

After just a few minutes, I find myself bored again… can't concentrate on anything! Oh, I know… Upstairs! I'll check my email. I've taken up to reading junk mail. I don't get a lot of personal emails regularly so I even revisit old messages. I should write people more often.

I've been dwindling for weeks. Whatever…

The usual spot by the window, laptop on lap, and a quick scan outside looking for signs of activity. Wait a minute… a drifter, suspicious. False alarm, he's stuffing fliers, probably an illegal.

My husband calls. He lets me know he is on his way home--early. He sounded so excited… as if I would be glad to hear from him. Do I really want him around this early? He's probably whistling his way thru traffic making plans for an afternoon "delight"-- as he calls it. Geez, that's all I need… I feel an onset of a headache.

I'm hyperventilating again… For someone who does hardly anything all day, I sure get stressed out over nothing. Ah... look! A lady, speed walking... Cool outfit… but a tan this early into the season?

This should be interesting, "Work from Home" pay only $39.95 and learn how to make $6,000 a month working only two hours a day. Hey a guy! On a bicycle… With a baby in tow… Cute! 1:30 in the afternoon on a weekday; doesn't anybody work?

How could I have missed this, Carl is about to pull into the driveway! I better get the clothes in the drier.

The trial was treated as seriously as if it were a human in the dock! And that animals were morally and legally responsible for their actions.

Pig

The Plaintiff: French Family

The Defendant: A Pig

The Charge: The pig was accused with unauthorised entry a house whereupon the pig did willfully disfigure the face of a child, as a result of these injuries the child then departed this life.

The Verdict: Guilty - The pig failed to adequately defend itself in court.

Punishment: Death by Hanging

Caterpillars

The Plaintiff: The Grand Vicar of Valence, France

The Defendant: Caterpillars

The Charge: The caterpillars were willfully causing destruction of the Grand Vicar's crops. Failure of the caterpillars to appear in the dock in accordance with the Court Order meant that a lawyer had to be appointed by the court to defend them.

The Verdict: Guilty as charged (the appointed lawyer failed to make a good case on the caterpillar's behalf)

Punishment: Banishment from the Diocese.

Rats

The Plaintiff: Barley Growers of Autun, France

The Defendant: Rats

The Charge: Burglary of barley - When the impudent rats failed to appear in court, a young lawyer by the name of Chassenee was appointed to defend the rodents. He was determined to make a name for himself in court - Chassenee first argued that the case involved all the rats in diocese, therefore they must ALL appear in the dock - when they failed to appear in accordance with their summons, he argued that under the law, the rats were entitled to protection to and from court, so not appeared as they were scared of being caught by wild cats on route to court.

The Verdict: Unknown - (but every felon wanted to hire Chassenee)

Weevils

The Plaintiff: Vineyard Growers - St Julien, France

The Defendant: Weevils

The Charge: Destruction of Vines / Grapes

The Verdict: Guilty - A proclamation was issued by the Judge that the offending Weevils must desist their illegal activities with immediate effect.

Punishment: None (as amazingly the weevils disappeared)

Mosquitoes

The Plaintiff: The People of Mayenne - France

The Defendant: Mosquitoes

The Charge: Causing a public nuisance by swarming and biting

The Verdict: Not Guilty (the mosquitoes failed to appear in court and a lawyer was appointed who pleaded such a convincing case, that the townsfolk took pity on the flying nuisances).

Rooster

The Plaintiff: The City of Basal, Switzerland

The Defendant: A Rooster

The Charge: Indulging in Sorcery - based upon the fact that it laid eggs - and an egg laid by a rooster is prized by sorcerers

The Verdict: Guilty as charged

Punishment: Death - by burning at the stake.

A computer error gave two women in America called Patricia the same social security number. When the two women were brought together in an office to rectify the blunder they discovered that

• They had both been born with the names Patricia Ann Campbell
• Both of their fathers were called Robert Campbell
• Their birthdays were on 13th March 1941
• They had both married military men in the year 1959 (within eleven days of each other)
• They each had two children aged 19 and 21
• They both had an interest in oil painting
• Both had studied cosmetics
• Both had worked as book-keepers

Bullet With Your Name on It

In 1893, Henry Ziegland ended a relationship with his girlfriend.

Tragically, his girlfriend took the news very badly, became distraught and took her own life.

Her distressed brother blamed his sister's death upon Henry, he went round to Henry's house, saw him out in the garden and tried to shoot him.

Luckily, the bullet only grazed Henry's face and embedded itself in a nearby tree.

In 1913, twenty years after this incident, Henry decided to use dynamite to uproot a tree in his garden. The explosion propelled the embedded bullet from the tree straight into Henry Ziegland's head - killing him immediately.

Lucky Hughs?

On December 5th 1660, a ship sank in the straights of Dover - the only survivor was noted to be Hugh Williams.

On 5th December 1767, another ship sank in the same waters - 127 lost their lives, the only survivor was noted to be Hugh Williams

On 8th August 1820, a picnic boat capsized on the Thames - there was one survivor - Hugh Williams.

On 10th July 1940, a British trawler was destroyed by a German mine - only two men survived, one man and his nephew - they were both called Hugh Williams.

With a Quack Quack Here

Mr McDonald was a farmer who lived in Canada - nothing extra-ordinary in that - until you learn that his postcode contained the letter sequence EIEIO.

'Til Death Did Them Part

In 1996, Paris police set out to investigate a late night, high speed car crash, both drivers had been killed instantly.

Investigations revealed that the deceased were in fact man and wife.

Police initially suspected some kind of murder or suicide pact but it became apparent that the pair had been separated for several months - neither could have known that the other would have been out driving that night - it was just a terrible coincidence.

She's Behind You!

Michael Dick had been travelling around the UK with his family to track down his daughter, Lisa - who he had lost contact with ten years earlier.

After a long fruitless search, he approached the Suffolk Free Press, who agreed to help him by putting an appeal in their newspaper.

Fortunately, his long lost daughter saw the appeal and the pair were reunited. The odd thing was, his daughter had been right behind him when the free paper took the photograph - shown in the photograph above. What are the chances of that!

Licensed To Thrill

A fifteen year old pupil at Argoed High School in North Wales was to sit his GCSE examinations in 1990.

His name was James Bond - his examination paper reference was 007.

What Goes Around….

In 1965, at the age of four, Roger Lausier was swimming off a beach in Salem - he got into difficulties and was saved from drowning by a woman called Alice Blaise.

In 1974, on the same beach, Roger was out on a raft when he pulled a drowning man from the water - amazingly, the man he saved was Alice Blaise's husband.

Lightning Never Strikes Twice?

British cavalry officer Major Summerford was fighting in the fields of Flanders in the last year of WW1, a flash of lightning knocked him off his horse and paralysed him from his waist down.

He moved to Vancouver, Canada, six years later, whilst out fishing, Major Summerfield was struck by lightning again and the right side of his body became paralysed.

After two years of recovery, it was a summers day and he was out in a local park, a summer storm blew up and Major Summerfield was struck by lightning again - permanently paralysing him.

He died two years after this incident.

However, four years after his death, his stone tomb was destroyed - it was struck by lightning!

Practice What You Preach

Businessman Danie de Toit made a speech to an audience in South Africa - the topic of his speech was - watch out because death can strike you down at any time.

At the end of his speech, he put a peppermint in his mouth, and choked to death on it!

But not all children are good at exams!

It is the stuff of nightmares - you have done none or too little revision - you get to the exam room and the question in front of you may as well be written in Chinese -

1. You have got to admire this kid - after all - he/she is right.

   

2. An excellent example of lateral thinking in the face of adversity
   
   

3. That is how I would do it ……..
   
   

4. Sometimes you just have to admit defeat !

   

5. In all fairness, the questioned is answered thoroughly…
   
   

6. Peter is a genius in my opinion…..
   

7. If you can't answer the question - invent a more entertaining alternative - it shows initiative!
   
   

8. I would add extra marks for imagination in this case.
   
   

9. Exam Rage?
   
   

The following snippets were of wisdom were first reported by Richard Federer of St Pauls school - a summary of funnies he came across during his years marking homework / exams

• “Actually Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of that name”
• “When you smell odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide”
• “Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic, Bach died from 1790 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.”
• “Blood flows down one leg and up the other”
• “Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head”
• “The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth”
• “Respiration is composed of inspiration and then expectoration”
• “Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out “Tee hee, Brutus”

I think he was revising from “The Beano”

• “Joan of Arc was burn to a steak and was canonised by Bernard Shaw. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence”
• “To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube”
• “Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went round giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.”
• “It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.”
• “H20 is hot water. C02 is cold water.”
• “The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, “Am I my brother's son??””
• “Nitrogen is not found in Ireland, because it is not found in a free state.”
• “The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliette are an example of a heroic couplet, Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.”
• “The moon is a planet just like Earth, only deader”
• “Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper”
• “Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
• “Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot”
• “Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.”
• “Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand”. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead”
• “Vacuum: A large, empty space where the Pope lives”
• “Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died of this.”
• “To remove dust from your eye, pull the eye down over the nose”
• “Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers”
• “Artificial insemination is what the farmer does to the cow instead of the bull”
• “Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.”
• “Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away”

This random object can amuses someone from minutes to hours bending and poking away with it is rather fun when there is absolutely nothing to do.

Rubber Band

Do you ever remember flicking one of these around for well over ten minutes just because you could? Well, that's why it is on this list it can also be used in conjunction with many other objects to keep you occupied for hours on end.

A Piece of Paper

Is there anything you haven't thought about doing with a piece of paper? I mean, you even fold it into cranes. A simple piece of paper even seems to make an effective football for some reason. This is indeed a random object that will keep your attention.

Tweezers

I don't know about you but when you are bored enough pinching everything in site with a good pair of tweezers can keep me occupied for many many minutes. These are more then random and just fun enough.

A Piece of String

Is it not one of your favorite things? Well it sure does hit the spot when there is absolutely nothing else to do. They are so wavy and random, mmmmm fun.

Wire

The bendyness of wire is a bit more then fun when you are bored. You can make it into anything, kinda. Well it makes a nice ring or necklace or something, but still random and fun!

A #2 Pencil

Ever sit there for three hours throwing your pencil at the ceiling wondering if it will stick? Well I sure as hell have! There are also a number of other applications for this boredom reliever. Best when used with other boredom relievers.

Bubble Wrap

Pop.Pop.Pop.Pop.Pop.Pop.Pop.Pop.Pop.Pop.Pop.Pop.Pop.Pop.Pop.Pop.Pop.Pop.Pop.Pop.Pop.Pop.....Now I know you know why this is here.

A Large Cardboard Box

Perhaps this is where you got the bubble wrap from but, who needs bubble wrap when you have a cardboard spaceship! Vroom Vroom to the moon!

Something Sharp

Anything sharp really...like have you ever sat at your desk and tried to cut it in half with a laminated business card? Or sat near a balloon with anything sharp without almost dieing trying not to blow it up in front of someone's face...point made.

Welcome to 20 Things You Can Do with a Freshman. This Guide will be divided up into sections for your ease of use.

Section 1: Transportation and Travel

image: interrobang

1. Horseback Riding

   This one is simple and a good place to start out. Sometimes you get tired of walking all around your college (or high school) and feel like you need to get somewhere with a little more ease. Well, not everyone can afford a bike (and at high school they're usually not allowed). So what do you do? Simple, find a freshmen (preferably one of good size and build that won't just give out on you) and saddle up! You'd be amazed at how comfortable travel is on the back of a freshman. Plus, they can go for really long amounts of time without rest! It's not like they have anything better to do. Classes? Pfft.

2. Pack Muling

   This kind of goes with number one. Sometimes you just have a large load of weight and it's a burden for you to carry around. So what do you do? Grab a freshman and instead of saddling them, tie them down with all your books and things! No backpack? No problem! It's not like it will offend the freshman - they're better than the mules of the Grand Canyon in this case. Plus, you won't have to deal with the smell of a mule - though freshmen aren't always the cleanest, so choose wisely.

3. Water Crossing

   Now, I know this one from experience. On my college campus, if a good storm rolls in, it floods several walkways and essentially creates a river across campus that is a pain-in-the-butt to get across. Well, in this case, just grab a freshman! Did you know that 97% of freshmen float, even with weight added on them? Grab one and go kayaking, or grab several and tie them together so you can create a raft! Once you do that, you can charge people money to cross those large streams on your campus. Not on campus? Do the same out in the wild! I have a friend who went white-water rafting with about ten of the freshmen from his school and they floated great! Even when banging into those sharp rocks, never busted a hole.

4. Sledding

   Sometimes a bad snow storm can happen, or perhaps you're just in an area where it's snowy almost all the time anyway. Well, dogs can be expensive and difficult to train (damn that intelligence!) but freshmen are the ultimate answer. Just grab a sled (or use our technique in #3 but to just fashion a sled out of freshmen instead of a raft) and then tie up about 6-to-8 freshmen to the front (Note: you should probably pick from the freshmen that hang out around your track or gym, the faster ones). Just crack a whip and give a “mush!” and they'll shoot off into the snowy wilds. What happens if one gets frostbitten or dies of hypothermia? Just find another one - there's probably plenty around campus.

5. Flying

   Now I know you're probably sitting there saying “Kegan, there's no way a freshman can fly!” and you would be right, but I don't mean flying exactly. What I mean is more like… gliding. Just find a few freshmen and fashion them into the shape of a hang-glider and attach a lightweight metal bar that you can hold onto (or just use some of the freshman's arms or legs if they're close enough) and just leap off the top of that tall building or cliff. You'll be amazed at the distance you can get, even on a nearly windless day. The freshman was designed for the ultimate in short term flight travel.

Section 2: Survival

image: squareintheteeth

1. Shelter

   The freshmen can provide the ultimate shelter if you're stranded in the woods, on an island, or wherever. Just grab several of them and, with a little creativity and elbow grease, you can have a working lean-to or brush lodge! The durability of the freshman allows for the ultimate in elemental protection so there'll be no rain or wind getting to you (Note: face them outward so that they don't watch you while you sleep… it can get kind of creepy).

2. Hunting

   You'd be amazed at how well you can use freshmen for the art of food gathering. In particular hunting! Now, you have several options so I'll leave it open to you, but the main two I'd like to cover are fishing and bait. You know in the movies you see some person fashion a spear out of a stick and a rock. Well, forget that because we have a freshman! Just pick out a lightweight one, thin and aerodynamic (usually either a girl or a nerdy guy) and just go to the river (or sea bay, just wherever you happen to be) and be patient. Take aim when you see the fish and let that freshman fly! When you retrieve the freshman you'll find the fish in their mouth. As for the other option, baiting, this one is simple. Get your freshman-spear ready, and put out another freshman to bait a bear or something else that would be tempted to eat them. When the animal approaches, throw your spear! That weight plus the immense density of your average freshman will knock that animal out or hopefully kill it.

3. Protection

   Now, what happens if some animal is after you? Well, it simple. Once again there are many options but I will only cover two. The first is baiting. It is similar to the idea of baiting in hunting but this time, you just leave the freshman for the animal! Getting chased by a lion? No problem, just chunk a freshman at them and they'll be happy. The other option is simply scaring them. Find a good gothic freshman, one that looks just really creepy and have them stand guard over you. When that curious bear comes up to sniff you, they'll be frightened off by the chains and odd looks of the gothic kid!

4. Food

   What if you're faced with the scenario that you're stuck in a desert with no source of food? The freshman makes great for rationing. Just snap one's neck and let them dry out in the sun - they'll make great jerky. The durability of the freshman means that they'll have plenty of nutrients in their meat so you'll be replenished with each bite. Maybe you have a fire on a deserted island? Just roast one in the pit - they're even better when cooked! You'll never go hungry. When you're done, use those bones for tools! The average skull can be hollowed out to hold water.

5. Signaling

   This is one of those multitasker situations. Say you're trying to send smoke signals and you don't have anything to beat your fire with. Well, just grab a lightweight freshman (or the skin of one if you used one for food) and whip them around like you would a blanket fanning a signal fire. Another option would be to have them send out a signal beacon - sound in this case. Just walk up to a freshman and tell them they lost their funding (if they're in college) or they're not getting accepted into their school (if still in high school). They'll yell and cry for days, sounds loud enough to attract any human attention if nearby (Note: this may also attract the attention of any wild animals, so refer to the protection tip listed above!).

Section 3: Entertainment

image: andydr

1. Dancing

   Say you and your friends are bored and sitting around with some freshman in the midst of you. Did you know that in a pinch freshmen can dance? It's simple - just grab a gun (or some money for that matter, particularly if they're college freshmen) and start going at it! Throw the money or shoot at their feet and they'll dance around like the little monkeys they are. What's better is that they don't tire out so fast so your entertainment won't end for hours!

2. Fighting

   Want something a little more action-filled? Well, go outside and section off a large area (or have a freshman do it for you!). Then, throw two or three or however many freshmen you want into this area and make them fight each other! Not only will it be entertaining but it will also give you that perspective on Ancient Roman gladiators that you need for that report in World History. It's even better if you entice them with something if they win (“Ten dollars to the last man breathing!”) or let loose your neighbor's angry Doberman. Just watch 'em run and scream!

3. Music

   You're out on a date and the dinner is nice… but it's missing something! Some entertainment! Grab a few of the band geek freshmen and have them play some music for you and your date. You'd be surprised how nice the music can be - especially since they don't tire out like regular musicians. If you're really into it you might want to get a few of the choir members to help serenade you and yours into the night.

4. Live Action Drama

   So say you're into wanting to see something more drama-filled. Well, use the freshmen! Simply go up to one of the female freshmen and tell them that their boyfriend is cheating with the girl standing next to her (you might even see some more fighting!) Oh how love does hurt. Perhaps you want to see something different… well just tell that guy from the football tryouts that he didn't make it because the coach thought he was a pansy! Tears and everything… almost like a soap-opera but better.

5. Comedy

   So you're in a light mood and you want some laughs. Well, how about using those freshmen lying around going to waste? Give them some pies for some good-ole slapstick or have them recite to you and your friends their hopes and dreams! We all know those are always good for a laugh. You'd be amazed at the comedic value of a freshman if you just take the time to think about it.

Section 4: Miscellaneous Uses

image: joe hughes

1. Random Ninja Attacks

   We all know how dangerous those ninja can be. They lurk in the shadows and just around every corner and if you're not careful they'll use their swords on you and chop you into pieces. So what to do against these nearly invincible engines of destruction and stealth? Just use a freshman. By the time the ninja is through hacking that freshman into pieces you'll be long gone and safe. Plus a ninja never expects a freshman in a battle - it's just too easy. So that will give you several seconds for the surprise and shock value.

2. Desk

   So your desk is full of clutter or perhaps you're in a place where there aren't any. Just pull up a freshman and bend them out into the right proportions and there you go! You'll find that they're as sturdy as they are durable. If you start to hear moaning, don't worry: it's just the creak of a freshman being well-used. You can also use another one for a chair if necessary - just follow the same application.

3. Guinea Pig

   So you're a science major or maybe, you just have a project due in chemistry tomorrow. You have a formula you want to try but not on yourself and you don't have any animals (or you figure it's too dangerous to try on that cuddly little hamster of yours). Well just use a freshman. They'll never object (mainly because they think they're getting a treat… those poor, stupid creatures) and there are plenty of them to go around. So if that formula you're developing for invincibility doesn't work after the obvious bullet wound in subject #1, just go to the next one!

4. Decorations

   You're room is drab and in need of some touching up. Well, just grab a few freshmen and go wild with your imagination! Glue a few of them to the wall in certain positions and you'll basically have a real-life mural! Or give them a flashlight or something and position them in the corner of your room to be a stylish lamp. If you live in a dorm, attach them to your door to change it from drab to fab!

5. Write

   If none of those suit you, you can always do what I've done - write about (or on) a freshman. Their uses will continue to expand over time and with the creativity of the individual. Maybe you're into graffiti and tagging - their bodies serve as perfect canvas for your work. Just take your time and think about it and I'm 100% positive you will find a use for that freshman.

Well, I've given you 20 uses for a freshman. If you've used all of these (or don't plan to use any of them) never fret! There's always a use out there for these living, breathing tools. Stay tuned and I'll have even more uses thought up for that waste of space on your campus!