It’s Monday morning, and you are again reminded that you are a worker drone. You work in a profession with lots of contact with the general public, so you put on your best-mannered façade. The public can be rude to you, yell at you, and you must be the friendly embodiment of company service. You yourself have virtually no personality, so that you tend to forget by midweek that you are anyone at all. Your boss is the only one entitled to have an opinion or criticism. So, all of those years of critical thinking in college have landed you a job as “the great American working stiff.”

As a working stiff, you are a puppet, more dead than alive. The world holds you intensely accountable. Who are you accountable to? You are accountable to all of the corrupt politicians, lawyers, doctors, corporate executives and the like who pull your strings. The left steals half of your earnings to house and feed crack heads, prison inmates, and the like. The right steals the other half to line their pockets, buy yachts, and build extensions to their homes. You are right in the middle, right between the legs of the beast. That’s it, you are the one getting screwed.

It’s an odd fact that the hardest-working, most patient, and fair people in our society get the shaft more than anyone else. We are nickled and dimed half to death by our puppeteers.

A little bit of color, a dash of personality in our drab lives would be refreshing. Our worlds require something more than just a Dilbert cartoon to adorn our cubicles, something more than a goofy mug in the sink that has unknowingly been spreading influenza throughout the drone empire. We need Picasso to come in and give our bosses three eyes and four ears, in blue. We need Cristo to wrap the whole freakin’ building in purple paisley satin.

Oh, yes. We also would also like the liberty to tell rude people to put it where the sun don’t shine. We’d like the freedom to tell the dolts exactly what we think of them. Without losing our jobs, that is.

And we’d like to see some accountability for our higher-ups. We like the corporate execs and the politicians to join the crack heads in prison. It wouldn’t be no resort prison, neither. It would be a full-fledged correctional facility, where you dare not drop your soap in the shower.

So, you now have some food for thought this evening as you chug down a congested highway back to your starting square. You can curl up onto that nice puffy pillow and dream of cutting the strings. The puppet is free.

1. Make sure that you keep your inbox in your inbox
2. I don't know about lipstick on a pig, but I sure can recognize a pig when I see one
3. I recently saw a Zombie movie. Guess what, the Zombies were more attractive than you.
4. Is that cologne that I smell or is it industrial cleaner?
5. Keep your lips to yourself or I'll staple them shut
6. I'm tired of your racy comments and sexual jokes. Now I understand why you didn't graduate from fifth grade.
7. Working for you has been a real gas. Unfortunately it's your gas that I smell all the time.
8. I'm having lunch with your wife. Would you like to come and join us? I'm sure that she would be interested in hearing how you've treated me.
9. You are the apple of my eye; rotten
10. You've told me that you'd follow me to the ends of the Earth. Would you please just move to the end of the Earth and leave me alone.

1. Everyone thinks the world of you. Actually, we'd like to send you to another world.
2. Your breath smells of alcohol, you won't keep your hands off of me, and you make lewd comments. You should be the poster boy for sexual harassment.
3. Our corporation used to be in the black. Thanks to your hard work and dedication to the destruction of employee morale you have managed to put our company deep into the red.
4. The only person that ought to be laid off in this company is you. A hamster could run this company better than you.
5. Brilliant idea increasing our health premiums by 50%. I'd be careful walking on the shop floor. Your health could be at risk.
6. After twenty years of hard work and personal loyalty, you have decided to give me a day off of work. What will be next? Are you next going to pay me minimum wage?
7. You're instituting a weight reduction program? Great! You're going to fire any employee who doesn't lose twenty pounds in one month? Not so great. I hope that you're the first one to get canned. After all, they don't call you Mr. Henry “Fatso” Jenson for nothing.
8. Thank you for instituting the No Smoking policy, the No Personal Email policy, the No Social Conversations policy, the No Eating Food on the Premises policy, and the No Going to the Restroom More than One Time a Day policy. I have a new policy to offer. It's called the No Listening to the Boss policy. I think it will go over extremely well.
9. Putting two employees in one cubicle should really cut cost and reduce energy. I see that you are having the hottest secretary in the company in your cubicle. I'll be sure to pass the news on this to your wife.
10. Having five company meetings in four hours is a bit excessive. Listening to your monotone voice is worse. Looking at your boring statistics puts me to sleep. Watching you scratching your baldhead, fidgeting with the pencil, and picking at your nose is abysmal. Finally, telling ethnic jokes and making rude comments is the worst. You have about as much charisma as a dead toad.

Throughout my retail management career, I have uncovered some not-so-good excuses that employees have given me after showing up late for work.

I forgot to set my alarm clock back for Daylight Savings Time. (Fall)

This was an employee that had a constant attendance problem. If you forgot to set your clocks back, you would have been an hour early for work! It took the employee about 45 minutes to figure out that that excuse can only work in the Spring, when the clocks are set forward.

I got pulled over on the way to work.

I love this one. You shouldn't have violated any traffic laws. You're late because of you. Don't you dare tell me you were speeding because you wanted to be on time!

My car wouldn't start.

Now this one is almost believable. The last one who told me this excuse was smart enough to ride their bicycle to work that day. Only one problem, they were in the newspaper that night for getting a DWI the day before and losing their license. Good effort though.

My wife forgot to set the alarm.

It wasn't your fault! What an unusual circumstance! When I saw this employee's wife at the Christmas party, that weekend, she was quite shocked to hear how her husband used her as his scapegoat. She proceeded to explain that not only did they have separate alarm clocks, but in the last few weeks, he had been sleeping until about twenty minutes before he had to be to work. I'm glad I brought it up. He he.

When you are late for work, there is no acceptable excuse other than death or hospitalization of you or someone close. What you say to your boss doesn't matter, in their eyes you're just late, period. Don't spend too much effort coming up with an excuse.

Calling out sick has never been one of my favorite things to do, because I'm never sure if I sound sick enough to be out. And, I must admit, there were days that I probably could have shown up, but I let what little ailment I had override my dedication for the job.

Let's face it, how many of you have seen the movie “Ferris Buhler's Day Off” and wanted to take a “Mental Health Day” at one time or another? Well, you can. It takes a little finesse, but is completely doable. There are just a few things to remember:

First, when you call your boss, sound sick. I'm sure many of you are reading that last sentence and saying to yourself, “Well, duh.” But you'd be surprised how many people call sounding almost giddy; like they can't wait to get their day of fun started. Instead of sounding sick, they sound like, after hanging up the phone, they are on their way to go parasailing.

So, how do you sound sick? Try talking in a raspy voice. Try imitating Lionel Stander. That man always sounded like he had “The Head Flu.” Cough a few times. Make it sound like the last thing the boss would want is you being anywhere near him or her. Don't overdo it, though. Anything close to sounding like you are dying could result in your boss requesting a doctor's note. So, unless you have a doctor in your family, you're going to get snagged.

Secondly, be creative. Don't just call saying you have a headache or stomach ache. The boss will expect you to take some over the counter medication and be at your place of work promptly. Don't try to give your name an illness either. Instead, create some interesting symptoms. “I don't know what I have. I just know that when I woke up this morning, there was something, on my pillow, that looked vaguely like my spleen.” Or, “Whenever I blow my nose, a substance similar to instant Sanka comes out of my ears.” What ever you do, don't tell your boss that you have “The Head Flu.” That's mine.

Third, there are some bosses out there who would never believe you were on your deathbed, even if they were sent a Novena. If you have a boss like this, you may have to bring out the heavy artillery. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. So, show up for work early and get yourself in to see the boss as soon as possible. You've got to look the part, so, don't bathe and wear the same clothes you wore the day before. Or, better yet, pull something out of the bottom of the hamper and put it on. When you get into his or her office, explain how much you wanted to be at work. Do this while coughing, wheezing and sneezing. (Helpful Tip: When sneezing, bring out a handkerchief that you have soaked with the stuff that they pack gifelte fish in. Or, as I like to call it, “Filet O' Phlegm.”)

After seeing this, your boss will beg you to go home. Then, it's just a matter of getting changed, cleaned up and the rest of the day is yours. The best thing of all is that you'll only have to do this once, as it will set the stage for any future “call-outs”, since this image will be imbedded in your boss's subconscious, like the time he walked in on his grandmother taking a shower.

So, in conclusion, follow these simple rules, don't overplay your hand and with enough practice you, too, can enjoy a day off without guilt. You'll even be able to smile a knowing smile when you return to work and find out that your boss is out with “The Head Flu.”

I am writing this letter in regards to your inquiry on the position that just opened up in our place of business. I know that the usual procedure is to hire and promote within our company, however we have been watching the way you handle your job duties and have noticed the following:

1. You always follow all safety pre-cautions.
   
2. You are never late to work.
   
3. You follow all instructions that have been given to you.
   
4. You definitely know exactly what you are doing.
   
5. You wear the proper attire.
   
6. You have a more than satisfactory work attitude.
   
7. You are very responsible.
   
8. You are very respectable.
   
9. You have all your "ducks in a row!"

Due to the excellent way you do your job, we will no longer be needing you. We only hire employees who NEED our help. When we no longer feel needed, we no longer need you! Therefore you are not going to get the promotion you worked extremely hard for, maybe if you had been a little more lazy and laid back, you would be making more money! Instead you had to show you're a** and now you are fired!

Sincerely,

Mr. Bigg N. Lazzzy

 

Card Toss

Enjoy tossing cards into a hat? Sure you do, since it wastes time so spectacularly. Try to beat your previous score in this game; if it takes you the whole working day to do it, so be it.

Possible Boss Reaction: "I don't care what you say, flipping cards is not a valuable on-the-job training skill! Get back to work!"

Jello-Time

The great thing about this website, besides poking the jello repeatedly to watch it shake and tremble, is the twangy sound effect that goes along with it. Be sure to jack up the volume on your computer speakers so the sounds of your jello-poking reverberate amongst the cubicles, making your co-workers look around in wonderment and confusion.

Possible Boss Reaction: "Where the hell is that weird noise coming from? You're... poking jello on company time!?!"

Watching Grass Grow

Nothing better to do at work but watch the grass grow, but there's no nearby window in which to look outside? Well, visit this site and you can watch the grass grow. Not only that, but you'll be treated to a cheesy rendering of the hit tune "Live and Let Die", too! A website guaranteed to annoy anybody who isn't into watching grass grow on company time.

Possible Boss Reaction: "You're watching the grass grow on the Internet?!? We're not paying you to do that! What is wrong with you?"

Watch It Shred!

It's oddly fascinating to watch the shredding machine on this website do its work. And they've shredded a lot of items, too: filing cabinets, tires, and old arcade games just to mention a few. My personal favorite is when they shredded an entire Dodge Daytona, quite the sight to see.

Possible Boss Reaction: "Hey... that's kind of cool... wait a minute, no...get back to work!"

Virtual Bubble Wrap

Sometimes there's nothing better to waste the hours away than popping a sheet of bubble wrap. But, you say, you've used up all the bubble wrap at work already? Well, just visit this site and you can pop endless amounts of bubble wrap bubbles. It may not be as gratifying as the real thing, but you can never run out of it.

Possible Boss Reaction: "Do you actually do any work here?"

Watching Paint Dry

One of the most pointless acts a person can do is watching paint dry. Now with the miracle of the Internet, you can do so at any time, especially company time! Fascinating premise for setting up a cam, although incredibly boring. Ah well, it's better than actually working.

Possible Boss's Reaction: "You're watching paint dry on the Internet instead of finishing up the finer points on the Simmons account. If an employer could legally strangle their employees, I'd start with you first."

Toilet Paper Unrolling

Isn't virtual reality great? Now instead of making a mess while unrolling toilet paper, you can do it on the "Net. This website is guaranteed 100% to burn the unproductive hours away. See how much "spin" you can get on the toilet paper by moving your computer cursor fast and down on the roll.

Possible Boss's Reaction: "You do realize that every moment you waste time on that website the company goes more and more bankrupt."

Zombo

What site is this? Well, it's Zombo.com! Welcome to Zombo.com. You can do anything on Zombo.com, especially if it has to do with staring at your monitor blankly as this website says how incredible it is. Show this to your befuddled co-workers while praising Zombo.com for its functionally and "Web 2.0"-ness.

Possible Boss's Reaction: "Who or what is a Zombo? Wait, I don't care. Just please, please do some actual work."

Flight of the Hamsters

A great webgame which will also allow you to respond, "I'm flinging hamsters" when your boss asks you what you're doing. Try to get the hamsters to stay airborne for as long as possible for more points. Maybe you'll break the top score! It'll take a lot of hamsters, though

Possible Boss's Reaction: "You're... flinging hamsters. I think you need a job evalution ASAP."

Etch-A-Sketch

Remember the great toy that was Etch-A-Sketch from your childhood? Almost every kid owned one sometime during their youth. Now you can re-visit those nostalgic days by virtually playing an Etch-A-Sketch on this website. It'll make 9 am go to 5 pm before you know it.

Possible Boss's Reaction: "That's a kid's toy! You're playing with a kid's toy on company time? You're killing me and the company!"

In Conclusion:

There are many other pointless websites; in fact, the Internet is full of time-wasting websites. But the above ten have a particular pointless-ness to them, one guaranteed to make your workday go by quicker and enrage your boss. Have fun with these sites and good luck on keeping your job!

1. Anyone who got mad first has the right to be mad. If someone got mad first than you, then you should let him to express his emotions. For the mean time, just be cool and silent. And please do not argue with him.
2. No one will get mad or fight with himself alone. So if you never contest or argue or even talk to someone that is mad to you, then sooner or later he will stop talking.
3. If someone is mad, he is considered deaf. If someone is angry, he will never listen to anyone, so don't try to explain and fight back, he will never consider or understand you because he will only hear nothing except to himself.
4. An angry man is considered an autistic. According to a priest, this is quite biblical because the Lord said when He was crucified, "Father forgive them for they know not what they do". The modern term for these kinds of people is autistic, so you better not get angry so no one will call you autistic.
   
   You should also know and realize that the persons who make your day bad are jewels, because you need them for you to be mature. If these people still annoys you, then it only means that you are still immature. God will not take away those people. It's for you to take away your bad feelings towards them. You'll know that you are mature enough if the time comes that you never felt any anger or annoying feeling to these people. It is the time in which you learned to accept them with patience.
5. Finally, the best part of this is to tell and motivate yourself with the quote: “because of this person, I will grow mature and because of his/her contribution in my life and my maturity, God will take him sooner or later”. 

What do you think this job involves?

Answer: “I don't know. Isn't that what you're supposed to tell me?”

Do you perform better alone or as a team player?

Answer: “I'm a loner, and I do my best work if people just leave me alone.”

What did you dislike most about your last job?

Answer: “I don't like my boss or the people I worked with, and they expect too much work for too little pay.”

What problems did you solved in your last job?

Answer: “I just do my job and let my boss worry about solving the problems.”

What kind of supervisor do you prefer?

Answer: “I can't stand someone breathing down my neck and telling me what to do.”

What is your greatest weakness?

Answer: “Well, I can't think of much, but I have been absent a lot because of personal problems. Maybe I ought to work on that.”

What occupies your time off the job?

Answer: “You know, I'm lucky to make it to work after the weekend because I'm so involved with extracurricular activities. I have strong religious and political ties, my extended family depends heavily on me, and I need an employer who understands my outside obligations.”

How would you get ahead of this organization?

Answer: “I'd like to sit behind your desk. When do plan to retire?”

How long would you commit to this job?

Answer: “I'm not comfortable giving commitments. To tell the truth, I figure everybody's always looking, and you never know when something better might come along.”

What are your salary requirements?

Answer: “Whatever you think is fair.”

With these kinds of answers you gave, I'm pretty sure that you can never land on a job. Honesty isn't always the best policy (source: woman today).