1. Do you take Master Charge or Bull Charge?
2. Have you considered sucking on a breath mint?
3. Do you like my cape? My mother knitted it for me
4. I hate to toot my horn, but I think that you are a big sissy
5. These pants I'm wearing are sure tight. Perhaps you can help me stretch them out.
6. You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn
7. You're going to send me to what planet? I'm sorry but could you repeat that again?
8. Why are you staring at my butt?
9. Who in the world gave me this toy sword? Fear me bull for I shall strike you with this bendable rubber sword
10. Watch as I the brave matador run for my life before the angry crowd. Be nice to me bull please. I was only trying to impress my girlfriend.

1. You start counting your lost income in your sleep
2. Your 401K plan appears to be anemic and in need of a boost in energy
3. You turn on the radio or go online to listen to the newest stock report with a sense of gloom and doom
4. You start bagging your lunches at work
5. You call your investment advisor every five minutes
6. You begin to hyperventilate when someone mentions the word “down.”.
7. You go out on a date and assist that it is Dutch treat
8. You begin to develop nervous twitches. Your eyes blink wildly as you watch the latest statistics on the Dow Jones.
9. You have your wife cut your own hair. You mow your own lawn. You start taking anti-anxiety pills.
10. You can't sleep. If you do manage to fall asleep, you dream of banks going out of business and taking your money with them.
11. Your voice says that things are going to get better, but your body says that things are going to get a lot worse
12. You start taking the bus to work since your car was towed away due to lack of payments on your loan

1. You notice that all your pairs of socks are mismatched
2. Your wife has sent you on a very important errand, and you've forgotten what it was
3. You get an audit letter in the mail
4. You get a flat tire on your way to work
5. Your boss tells you that he is going to have to cut your pay and benefits in order to keep you employed with the company
6. You burn your toast and your scrambled eggs come out runny
7. You write a check that bounces higher than the bounciest rubber ball
8. You forget your wife's wedding anniversary. You know that you are going to end up sleeping in the garage.
9. Your football team has just lost a game by the score of 55 to 3
10. You just received your alimony papers in the mail
11. You burn a hole in your pants while ironing
12. You have a power failure, and you end up oversleeping for two hours
13. You are about to go to your friend's birthday party when your mother tells you that you can't go until after your piano lesson
14. Your girlfriend writes you a Dear John letter and your first name happens to be John
15. You fly your kite and it immediately lands in a tree
16. You make four errors on a single play in baseball
17. Your toilet starts to overflow because the water does not go down after being flushed
18. You lose your hairpiece during a national televised debate
19. You get a call from your mother in law who announces that she is planning to stay in your house for two weeks
20. You spend too much time in a tanning booth and end up looking like a shish kabob

Halloween will soon be here. The sounds of children saying trick or treat are wonderful. It's also time to go pick a pumpkin from the pumpkin patch. I recently read about a 450-pound pumpkin that was stolen. What would you do with a 450-pound pumpkin? Here is a list of ideas:

1. Make the world's largest pumpkin pie
2. Save the pumpkin in case you run into Cinderella
3. Save it for the Jolly Green Giant to carve for his Halloween decoration
4. Give it to Clifford the Big Red Dog and call it the Big Orange Ball
5. Drill three holes in it and claim it to be the world's biggest bowling ball
6. Put in on the Slim Down Pumpkin Diet
7. Send it to Sarah Palin and title it “The Pumpkin to Nowhere.”.
8. Spread the pumpkin seeds near and far and be called Johnny Pumpkinseed
9. Paint it white and claim that it's an egg that you found. In addition, say that the egg is from a large extinct dinosaur.
10. Claim that this is a shot put to be used by the Incredible Hulk

Now that the boring introduction's out of the way, on to the fun part:

The Cursed Car

In September 1955, a man named James Dean was killed by a car accident while he was driving his Porsche. Afterward, the car had some very unlucky occurrences surrounding it.

First, when the car was towed away from the accident, the engine slipped out and fell on one of the mechanics, which unfortunately shattered both of his legs.

If that wasn't bad enough, the engine was bought by a doctor, who decided to put it into a racing car that he owned. He was later killed in a race in which he had been using the car with the cursed engine.

Then, when the Porsche was repaired, the garage that it was repaired in was burned down in a fire.
The car was later put on display in Sacramento, California, but it fell off of it's mount and ended up breaking a teenager's hip.

Later, in Oregon, the trailer that the car was mounted on slipped from it's towbar and smashed right through the front of a shop.

4 years later, in 1959, the car somehow broke into 11 pieces. (and while it was on steel supports!)

The Legend of King Umberto

Monza, Italy.

One day, King Umberto I went to dinner at a small restaurant. When the owner took his order, he noticed that the two of them looked identical. They talked to each other and found even more similarities.

• Both were born on the same day, in the same year. (March 14th, 1844)
• Both had been born in the same town.
• Both married a woman named Margherita.
• The owner of the restaurant started business on the same day that Umberto was crowned King of Italy.

On July 29th, 1900, King Umberto was told that the restaurant owner had died that day in a mysterious shooting accident. As Umberto was feeling regretful for him, a wild-looking man suddenly pushed through a crowd and assassinated Umberto.

A Friendly Game of Poker

In 1858, Robert Fallon was shot and died while playing poker. He had apparently been killed as an act of revenge by the people playing with him. They claimed he had won the $600 (worth a lot back then) pot through cheating. With his seat now empty and none of the other players wanting to take the now unlucky $600, they found someone new to take his place, and staked him with the $600.

Later, when police arrived to investigate the killing, the new player had already turned the $600 into $2200 in winnings. The police demanded that he give the original $600 to Fallon's next of kin - and discovered that the new player was Fallon's son, who hadn't seen his father for seven years!

The Mystery Monk

In Austria during the 19th century, a near-famous painter named Joseph Aigner attempted to commit suicide several times.

1. First attempt - Aigner tried to hang himself at the age of 18, but was interrupted by a mysterious monk.
2. Second attempt - At age 22, he tried again to hang himself, but was interrupted by the same monk.
3. Eight years later, he was sentenced to death, but was saved by yet again the same monk.

 At age 68, he was finally successful in committing suicide. His funeral ceremony was conducted by, amazingly, the same monk.

The Occurrence of Greenberry Hill

November 26, 1911:

Three men were hanged at Greenberry Hill in London after being convicted of murdering Sir Edmund Berry Godfrey. The names of the killers were Robert GREEN, Henry BERRY, and Lawrence HILL.

1. An autograph picture of Sarah Palin hugging a bear. (Even the bear smiles in this picture)
2. A George Bush playing card with Hurricane Katrina in the background. (Best examined during high tide)
3. A picture of Britney Spears after she has left an all night party. (Don't worry if the picture looks a little bit blurry)
4. A handbook of famous Dick Cheney quotations. This includes a photo showing Dick Cheney holding the carcass of a dead deer. (You can't miss Dick Cheney's famous scowl)
5. An Amy Winehouse book of food and drug recipes. (This book comes complete with an Amy Winehouse centerfold)
6. The complete DVD set of Paris Hilton's disco dancing party spots. (The music is as glitzy as Paris Hilton)
7. A box of red, white, and blue condoms. (It's great to be a patriot)
8. Season one of Sex in the City spoken in Japanese. (Unfortunately, there are no English subtitles)
9. My foreclosure notice. (I may need to bury my time capsule on different property)
10. My Catwoman DVD. (I know the movie was awful, but it still has sentimental value)

1. A loose tooth can mean the end of youth
2. Bulk mail only gets heavier with age
3. A closed mind is hard to open without the right key
4. You can never be rich with an impoverished mind
5. Energizing your body with biofuels is a corny idea
6. It is better to strike out in a baseball game than to strike out in life
7. Running around in circles will only make you dizzy
8. You cannot get peace and prosperity from carving a turkey
9. Do not fear your destiny unless you are in the middle of a Category 5 hurricane
10. A piece of mom's apple pie will lead you to having peace of mind
11. All things are relative unless your in-laws are planning to visit you tomorrow
12. Your broken heart cannot be mended with duct tape
13. A filthy house does not translate into a filthy mind
14. The girlfriend of your dreams is hidden above the clouds
15. Plan for an immediate change in your life. You are being transferred to the Arctic.
16. The higher the heel, the bigger the fall
17. Trees are the foundation of life. Let your spirit take root in them.
18. It is wiser to have naked ambition than to have a naked body in a public setting
19. The more light bulbs that you change, the brighter your future shall be
20. It is a novel idea to read a novel when you have the chance

1. Aqua Impure. Loaded with heavy minerals.
2. Sunshine Sludge. Water looks darker than a cola drink.
3. Polar Ice Cap. Think global warming after every sip.
4. Sew Age Deluxe. This water does not come from the freshest lakes.
5. Sweat N Style. Water mixed with human sweat. Not for the faint hearted.
6. Global Algae. It's not easy being green. However, this water is loaded with green and slime.
7. Bubbly Fizz. Looks and tastes carbonated. Lots of artificial ingredients added to the “fresh” water.
8. City H2O. Tap water in a fancy bottle. This water is designed for the urban crowd.
9. Mountain Avalanche. Feel the cold. Water goes down heavy like a natural avalanche.
10. Lake Crème. Water has a smooth, frosty taste. Loaded with 40 grams of sugar. Water comes from Lake Superior. Whipped cream is added for flavor. On second thought, your kids might love to drink this water.

1. I think I'm going to live in a tent
2. The K in the 401K stands for kidding
3. The sky may not be falling, but the stock market sure is
4. We have now witnessed another moment in Profiles in Discourage
5. Wall Street versus Main Street. How about No Loan Street.
6. I can't bear to watch the stock market anymore
7. We are now in Grizzly Bear Country
8. Don't worry be frightened
9. How many Republican Congressmen does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: We aren't going to change a light bulb unless we get credit for it
10. So I lost thousands of dollars in one day. So what! It's only my retirement account, my nest egg, and my savings. Hey at least the price of gas went down.
11. I think there are some Congressmen that ought to bail out of their jobs
12. I believe that my investment counselor is in a therapy session. He seems to be suffering from Investment Fatigue Syndrome.
13. Can we do a Groundhogs Day and restart the House vote all over again?
14. Would Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi please be nice to the House Republicans and bribe them with some homemade chocolate chip cookies. Or at least give them some humble pie.
15. The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow. Unfortunately, we all won't be on Easy Street.
16. I'm beginning to feel like the Bird Lady in Mary Poppins. At the rate the market's going I might need a Spoonful of Sugar.
17. My investment portfolio now has more holes in it than Swiss cheese
18. The world economy is melting, melting. It's like the Wizard of Oz. We're killing it.
19. “There's no reason to panic. Everything will be alright.” Thank you Barney the Dinosaur. I really needed that.
20. I feel like a Mack truck just struck my mutual funds

1. Everyone thinks the world of you. Actually, we'd like to send you to another world.
2. Your breath smells of alcohol, you won't keep your hands off of me, and you make lewd comments. You should be the poster boy for sexual harassment.
3. Our corporation used to be in the black. Thanks to your hard work and dedication to the destruction of employee morale you have managed to put our company deep into the red.
4. The only person that ought to be laid off in this company is you. A hamster could run this company better than you.
5. Brilliant idea increasing our health premiums by 50%. I'd be careful walking on the shop floor. Your health could be at risk.
6. After twenty years of hard work and personal loyalty, you have decided to give me a day off of work. What will be next? Are you next going to pay me minimum wage?
7. You're instituting a weight reduction program? Great! You're going to fire any employee who doesn't lose twenty pounds in one month? Not so great. I hope that you're the first one to get canned. After all, they don't call you Mr. Henry “Fatso” Jenson for nothing.
8. Thank you for instituting the No Smoking policy, the No Personal Email policy, the No Social Conversations policy, the No Eating Food on the Premises policy, and the No Going to the Restroom More than One Time a Day policy. I have a new policy to offer. It's called the No Listening to the Boss policy. I think it will go over extremely well.
9. Putting two employees in one cubicle should really cut cost and reduce energy. I see that you are having the hottest secretary in the company in your cubicle. I'll be sure to pass the news on this to your wife.
10. Having five company meetings in four hours is a bit excessive. Listening to your monotone voice is worse. Looking at your boring statistics puts me to sleep. Watching you scratching your baldhead, fidgeting with the pencil, and picking at your nose is abysmal. Finally, telling ethnic jokes and making rude comments is the worst. You have about as much charisma as a dead toad.