satire http://www.purpleslinky.com/tags/satire New posts about satire How to Make Yourself Look More Important Than You Really are http://www.purpleslinky.com/Humor/Satire/How-to-Make-Yourself-Look-More-Important-Than-You-Really-are.295589 Carry a briefcase, not a ruck sack and definitely not a swag. In your briefcase, carry a Pulitzer Prize winning novel and bookmark it somewhere near the end. Make sure it's hardcover and not issued from your regional library. Oh, and make sure you pull it out whenever you're on public transport (but you really shouldn't be riding public transport in the first place because Important People drive large, fuel-inefficient cars).

  1. Shower yourself in expensive scents. You can do this for with duty free samples before boarding a crowded, enclosed environment. Such as a plane.
  2. Never wear holey socks. You never know when circumstances conspire against you. One example: Japanese restaurants. Another example: hospital. You never know when disaster will strike. And hospital staff are in the habit of checking undergarments.
  3. Multi-tasking will enforce upon your companions how important your time is in relation to theirs. Set your phone alarm to a ring tone and time it so it will go off in the middle of Important lunches. With an apologetic expression, and hushed tones, explain that you 'really should take this.'
  4. Get rid of your TV. Failing this, put it in a cupboard when you're not watching it. Make sure to tell everyone you know that you don't watch TV because there's too much rubbish showing and you're far too busy anyhow.
  5. Cultivate lateness. Don't give excuses. Apologies are also out.
  6. Be on a trendy diet. It doesn't matter whether you're a healthy looking specimen or not because your pot belly can be put down to 'living the good life'. As long as you know the ins-and-outs of the Atkins Diet, or can quote from Michael Pollen, you're sweet. In restaurants, let waitresses know of your food intolerances and allergies. If you don't have any allergies, feel free to make some up to set yourself apart from the herd.
  7. Address younger companions by diminutives rather than their actual names. Address older companions as little as possible, because old people are on the ugly side, and the Ugly are Invisible. If necessary, ask them about their retirement plans and say, 'I'm so busy I can't wait to retire!'
  8. Flashing your cash is definitely out. Broke is the new look. By all means flash your credit cards, but only if you have a wallet full of the things. Commiserate with all and sundry about how broke you are.
  9. Avoid instant coffee. Five runs a day to the boutique cafe down the road from work will buy you valuable thinking time, during which you can genuinely make out you're busy.
]]> Mon, 13 Oct 2008 05:24:37 PST A Super Subjective and Totally Invested Review of the Holy Bible http://www.purpleslinky.com/Humor/Satire/A-Super-Subjective-and-Totally-Invested-Review-of-the-Holy-Bible.292295 I remember my high-school flirtations with Christianity quite well. Those days were amongst the most interesting in the downward spiral that is my own personal time line. I attended church on Sundays because my friends were usually there, the free food filled my stomach sufficiently, and the straight-edge girls looked totally fuckable in their church threads.

I didn’t quite take to the religion aspect like my buddies did. When you filter through my smokescreen of rationales for going to church, you’ll soon discover that I was really just there for the beer and the bitches.

After attending for awhile, my friends suggested that I get baptized. “No way,” I replied with unmasked horror, “I hate doctors, and I like my dick just the way it is”. They then laughed and explained that baptism was a simple procedure that, when completed, denoted that I had accepted Christ into my life as my savior. So I was like, what the hell. Christ sounds like a decent guy.

So right there, in front of the entire church going crowd, they ripped my ass from my seat and thrust me before everyone’s prying eyes. I was confused. The preacher said a few words, then put his hand on my chest. Not expecting to be personally violated like that, I slapped his face. The crowd gasped and the preacher was visibly taken aback by my retort. He went to do it again, and despite my urge to kick him in the sac, I quickly realized that this was all part of the whole ‘baptism’ thing. So I let the pervert touch me. He probably nutted his drawers after having groped my post-adolescent body of female attracting steel, but that’s beside the point.

Then, for no good reason whatsoever, he dunked me in a small pool of water. I immediately propelled myself out and punched the bitch in the face. It was then, sopping wet with the waters of humiliation, that I decided that church was no longer worthy of my attendance. My friends, though sad to see me go, gave me a parting gift for being such a good sport. It was a book, entitled “The Holy Bible”. I promised I’d read it. I’m always down for a compelling story. Besides, everybody and their mother had a copy of it. I figured it to be a timeless classic the likes of Moby Dick and Anna Karenina.

If ever there were an organization that gave out a prize for “Mostest Wrongest Assumption”, then I surely would have swept the competition in that moment.

First things first… who wrote this shit? There’s no byline anywhere to be found. I would at least like a name. An identifiable target for my animosity. I can only surmise that the author was so ashamed with what he (or she) had written that they refused to scrawl their name on it. I find this to be an act of cowardice on the author’s part… a laughable evasion of literary responsibility.

From the first page, I was instantly scratching my head. Most fantasy authors develop their world at an entertaining pace, using technique and fascinating material to reel you in. Not this one. The author immediately thrusts you into a confusing world of crap… and this crap is accentuated all throughout the book with a horribly written and asstastic vernacular. I think the author was aiming for some sort of genuine ‘archaic’ feel, but he overacted the narrative with such zeal that comprehending this clusterfuck of medieval syntax is rendered virtually impossible.

Let it be known: I think this book could have been a great story, had only the author been more fresh and able with his or her storytelling approach. This book has virtually none of the mechanisms that make a story great. Instead, it invents new ways of making a story suck ass through a straw. Plus, there’s only one god to rule the world depicted in The Holy Bible. Most successful fantasy novels employ at least a few deities, each representing a different alignment and symbol. Usually, you get the good god, who wants people to struggle the good fight and sacrifice all for some greater cause. You also get the bad god, who just wants to fuck stuff up something fierce. In The Holy Bible, there is only one god. And he’s a hardcore stickler. He’s not even that benevolent. He demands that everyone obey his orders without question for virtually nothing in return. He even goes so far as to eradicate people… simply for denying his existence. I’m just glad our ‘really real’ world is nothing like the world of suffering portrayed in this novel.

I was incredibly surprised to see that Christ, the very same guy I had accepted as my savior while attending church, was one of the main characters of this story. That’s just messed up. The author must have been hard up for ideas and starting ripping off the idols of the actual past. After discovering Christ was in this book, I half-expected to run into Abraham Lincoln and Hong Kong Fooey. Thankfully, he only stole the name from one historic figure.

Which brings me back to the author. I attribute most of this book’s shortcomings to the ineptitude of the person who wrote it. If this story had been an Anne Rice or Jeff Foxworthy project, it surely would have been a legend amongst all bookkind. Instead, it clocks in as quite possibly the most boring and insulting work of fiction ever penned. The Holy Bible is a testament to the power of the untrained author. It shows that even those with a mediocre grasp of storytelling can indeed strike gold with enough persistence and luck.

I’d offer up a plot analysis, if only this book had some discernable plot. The introduction is rushed, the body of the text is totally discombobulated, and there’s no climax to be found. The Holy Bible is a raw deal, any way you look at it.

To be fair, I didn’t read the whole thing. In fact, I didn’t read much of it. I was completely turned off by the uncreative chapter titles (John, Luke, etc.) and the craptacular style emanating from every written paragraph. If books were anything like food, then the Holy Bible would be the finest turdburger ever grilled by mankind.

I don’t know about you, but product-reviewing analogies just tickle me frickin’ pink, so here’s another one: If books were like perfume, then this one would be “Eu de Rectum”.

Long story short: The Holy Bible is a blatant shit stain on the lawn of legitimacy. I’ve yet to discover why it has been so universally accepted by Americans as the be-all, end-all of required reading. Take my advice: If you’re looking for a thrill ride of interest piquing fantasy, you'll find more fascinating gems tucked between the covers of a Merriam Webster dictionary.

Final Verdict: 100% Pure Ass.

]]> Fri, 10 Oct 2008 09:03:20 PST Latched On: How to Milk the Most Out of Life http://www.purpleslinky.com/Humor/Satire/Latched-On-How-to-Milk-the-Most-Out-of-Life.284815 This is going to be my New York Bestseller, I just know it.

Here's a synopsis of what it's all about.

"A lactating mother's take on what it means to find the "nipple" in life, latching on, and remembering to burp in between feedings to create the life you've always dreamed about."

Chapters:

The Rooting Reflex - aka - Finding Yourself

The quest in life for the almighty "nipple" or, true purpose, and how to calm the whiplash from our rooting urges.

The Latch - aka - Eyes on the Prize

Finding something in life that makes you immeasurably happy, avoiding self sabotage in the process of living your dreams, and staying focused on your goals. How to have a healthy latch on life and knowing the difference between a good latch and a bad latch.

Nursing on Demand - aka - Self Care

You can't help other people if you neglect yourself.

Burping 101 - aka - Purging Negativity

Getting rid of the negative mental processes that weigh you down, cause you discomfort and pain, and hold you back from your true purpose, keeping your mommy awake all night long with your grunting and grumbling.

Crying 101 - aka - Communicate effectively

The fine art of healthy communication. Body language, tone, volume and language fused together to translate needs and desires with honesty and clarity. Listen to enclosed CD to hear the distinct cries of a newborn communicating his needs.

Topping off - aka - Too much of a good thing

Balancing desires and needs so that you don't end up projectile vomiting half curdled milk on your mother's bed at 12am. Discover what your pacifier is in life to help take off the edge so you don't overwhelm yourself too quickly.

Nursing in Public - aka - Let your light shine

Learning not to be afraid of the person you are becoming, but letting it be seen with pride and honesty wherever you go. Light attracts light! Don't cover up who you are!

Sleeping through the Night - aka - Delusions of Grandeur
Keeping your expectations within reason. Growth is gradual and sometimes, painful. Get used to not getting much sleep. You can sleep when you're dead.

Acknowledgments:

I'd like to thank my 2 week old son Max for inspiring me to write this book at 3am during a sleepy hissy fit. (and the baby was a little fussy, too).

]]> Sun, 05 Oct 2008 03:24:52 PST Who Told You We are Martians? http://www.purpleslinky.com/Humor/Satire/Who-Told-You-We-are-Martians.277893 Who told you we are called Martians?".....This is the first thing I expect to hear if & when I meet an alien from the planet WE call Mars. If we could find an authentic animal translater, I am sure the first thing we will hear animals say " who told you that we are called Penguins? or whales? or Tigers?".

I have always been amazed by this entire mass naming or branding exercise that has been going on in this world. Who names Planets, species, places, things, etc? What is the methodology? I mean I know scientist name planets and biologist name plants or species but are we all on board for all the names these guys come up with? Have we got a global consensus on each one of these names? I am pretty sure no one asked me before naming all of us Humans. Now whether I like it or not, I am stuck with it.

More interestingly, for all the intelliegent science fiction in the world, not one has touched on this issue. I for one cant recollect any science fiction story, book or movie ever having a scene where the Aliens from Mars or any planet land up and corrected the humans they meet by telling us what they actually call themselves to begin with before blasting our heads off.

Amazingly we also never have a situation where aliens have got the name of our species or planet wrong.

Now, we all know what happened with America. Initially, Columbus thought he had discovered India and hence the natives got the name American Indians. We never bothered to check with them if they already have a name for themselves. And even if we did, the name that stuck was the name that was given to them.

Like us, I am sure all species would like to be known by the names they have thought for themselves. Imagine how pissed we will be if we came to know that on Venus, humans are known as Assholes and Earth as Planet Asshole.

So I really dont know what is the point of my rambling but I am surely interested in Knowing how many of you would be interested to know the real names of planets, species, things....also feel free to suggest alternative names for Planet Earth, Human beings, table or any other mass branding item..

I mean this is our time now, why should we live with the names or branding given by some wierdo way back in BC, AD or whenever...if you ask me, I am even okay with calling Earth - WINDOWS VISTA if Bill gates can pay each one of us our share for branding it so. Only 2 year contracts though, renegotiable post that. Pl raise hands whoever are on board.

]]> Tue, 30 Sep 2008 02:39:22 PST Predictive Text: A Surefire Way to Make Yourself Look Like a Jackass http://www.purpleslinky.com/Humor/Life/Predictive-Text-A-Surefire-Way-to-Make-Yourself-Look-Like-a-Jackass.275263 I am compelled to write this article to warn people of the many potential ways that you can embarrass yourself in front of your work colleagues, family and friends by using the predictive text facility on your mobile phone.

Texting is a wonderful, modern, quick and easy way of communicating - however, the consequences of pressing the “send” button before checking exactly what your phone has interpreted to be your intended wording, can be catastrophically embarrassing.

I speak from painful experience….

1. Only last week, on my way to work, after being in a stationary queue for 25 minutes on the car-park which is the M6, worried that my colleagues at work would be beginning to slag me off for my unauthorised absence, I sent a quick text to my boss.

It was only later, when I arrived at the front door of my office, I noticed what message my boss would have received from me

“Will be a bit late, Stuck in massive Steve” !!??!!

My phone had taken q u e u e and kindly transformed it into s t e v e (same buttons).

It took some time to explain that I was late due to traffic and not because of my participation of a weird sex game with a bloke called Steve.

2. Oddly enough, the boss that I sent message 1 to, was the same boss that, one year earlier, I requested a couple of days off to visit my brother on the island of Jersey - at the end of my trip, the island was engulfed in thick fog, and my flight was unexpectedly cancelled.

In the ensuing confusion, aware that I would not be at work as arranged the following Monday morning, I texted my boss.

“Won't be in tomorrow, stuck in dog”

Is it any wonder I often catch my boss eying me suspiciously.

3.  I was visiting a new restaurant, an elderly aunt had booked a table there the following night - so she asked me to report on the quality of the food etc.

After the meal I texted her details of the wonderful food and ended the text telling her that I had

“tossed it off with a bottle of red wine”

T o p p e d is what I typed - honestly.

4. My mum had spent weeks arranging a large family party, being fussy, and knowing that I am often late, she sent me a text asking me if I was ready and had I set off yet.

I sent her one back…..

“I have got aids”

I had to explain to my frantic mother that I had typed the word “a g e s”

5. My other half was amused a few weeks ago when I sent him a text

“will you sick up something for lunch”

He sent one back saying that he would, and it would still be preferable to my cooking!

Luckily, mobile phone technology has advanced, and many new models have a full keyboard on them - making predictive text obsolete, I really think that I ought to invest in one.

Even so, typing can be equally dangerous - A few years ago, I posted out a detailed document to a prestigious client, I recoiled in horror to see that I had missed the letter “O” out of the title - which was - “Statement of Account”. !!!

Maybe my typo was accurate!

]]> Sun, 28 Sep 2008 02:57:43 PST Commuters Relief http://www.purpleslinky.com/Humor/Travel/Commuters-Relief.267513 Commuters: Two capsules to be taken daily

Once before the morning journey

And once again in the evening rush-hour home.

May help relieve common symptoms of Bustration including:

  • Wondering if the driver has seen you at the bus-stop
  • Not knowing if you need to signal for the bus to pull over
  • Frantic checking of multiple pockets to see if you have your pass
  • Flailing of limbs as you stumble to nearest seat whilst bus hurtles off with you in mid-aisle
  • Body-odour of suspect stranger occupying last available seat
  • Alarm at finding unidentifiable wet patch on seat fabric
  • Anxiety that you may be on the wrong bus
  • Panic as you realise you should have alighted two stops earlier
  • Annoyance that you have left the other carrier bag onboard vehicle as it now makes its way into the diesel fuelled distance

Consult your physician if symptoms continue.

Do not exceed recommended dose.

]]> Tue, 23 Sep 2008 07:45:59 PST It's the Economy, Stupid http://www.purpleslinky.com/Humor/Satire/Its-the-Economy-Stupid.258051 How do You Fix the Economy?

A young lad walked up to Senator Obama and asked, “How are you going to stop the economic crisis that has befallen our land?”

Senator Obama said, “You are a very bright boy. We will reduce taxes for the middle class, regulate the financial markets, and provide relief for homeowners that have lost their houses due to foreclosures. We will reduce unemployment and penalize companies that ship jobs overseas.”

The young lad thought about his answer but was not satisfied. He next approached Senator McCain and asked, “How are you going to stop the economic crisis that has befallen our land?”

Senator McCain said, “We will analyze and study the problem. We will form a commission that will provide us with solid input as to the remedies of the problem. We should be able to make some sound decisions based on these recommendations within two years.”

The young lad didn't like this answer at all. Finally, he spoke to Barney the Dinosaur and asked, “How would you stop the economic crisis that has befallen our land?”

Barney responded, “You just need to use your imagination and believe that everything is all right. Afterwards, you should sing a few happy songs and then dream that you are in paradise.”

“Will that really work?”

“Of course not,” said Barney. “But you'll feel a whole lot happier.”

]]> Thu, 18 Sep 2008 04:09:48 PST How to be a Succesful Slacker http://www.purpleslinky.com/Humor/Satire/How-to-be-a-Succesful-Slacker.254267 Hello, fellow seekers of truth and entertainment. I've often wondered while I was going to school and work full-time if it were really necessary to work so hard. Whenever I had a free moment to watch TV, I've observed many instances of people who don't seem to do much work: they were just living happy, carefree lives. I started to wonder if I were some sort of sadist for forcing myself up at 6 a.m., commuting to work on a packed train, working nine hours and in school for three, and then commuting an hour back home to my studio apartment. Is there a way to live the life of a carefree slacker? I think that there is! Why else would that kind of lifestyle be promoted on TV if it weren't true and entirely obtainable? Although I've concluded that I am a sadist and will continue with my hectic schedule, as a member of the community and all around helpful gal, I present my list of ways that you can drop out and be a successful slacker (happiness optional). Enjoy!

  1. If you have friends, use ‘em.

    Too many of us don't take advantage of that great institution: friendship. Aren't they supposed to be there through thick and thin? If you are going to be a successful slacker, you'll need friends that will take you out for dinner, pay your bills, etc. This works best if you are charming, witty and well liked.

  2. Many government programs help put money in your pockets.

    I personally don't advocate this option because it's hard to do. The government will want you to go into the office to apply in person and you will have to be there all day explaining why you can't get a job. True slackers don't have time to fill out forms and be interviewed: they have slacking to do!

  3. Give up on your dreams and aspirations, they were worthless anyway.

    To be a slacker, you have to give up on any type of work ethic you might have even thought about developing. If you have any talents, experience or aspirations-get rid of them. They are counter-productive to the slacker experience. The only use they are to a true slacker is as a conversation point to demonstrate how far into slackerdom you have sunk.

  4. Lower your expectations, a lot.

    If you are used to having money and choices, expect to have that severely limited by your choice of lifestyle.

  5. That's what family is for.

    If for some reason you friends fail you in supporting your choice to be a slacker, your supportive family will be there to pick up the slack (pun!). If your immediate family doesn't do the job, you could look up distant relatives but it may cut into true slacker time.

  6. Create a mystique that doesn't require a lot of follow-through.

    You don't have to tell people you're a slacker. You can say that you are writing the great American novel, developing your Hip-Hop career, investigating global warming, becoming a missionary, finding yourself...all these "careers" are good covers for slacking off.

  7. Find someone who will love you for you (and pay for everything).

    If your friends and family fail, turn your charms to a significant other. The person you sleep with is more likely to write checks for you than any other. They'll make the excuses for you to everyone else thereby freeing up more time for slacking.

  8. Become acquainted with alternate lifestyles.

    I don't mean just that one. Dumpster diving for food isn't disgusting, it's environmentally friendly. Borrowing money is good for the economy. Taking fewer showers saves water. No electricity helps gas prices.

  9. Develop a drug and/or alcohol fetish (not problem).

    Self-medicate any lingering aspirations to get up and do something by developing a casual use of barbiturates and suppressants. In other words, drunk people can't work.

  10. (Writer to insert last suggestion here but had to get back to work.)

]]> Mon, 15 Sep 2008 07:59:21 PST 10 Great, Awesome and Super Ways to Make a New Friend http://www.purpleslinky.com/Humor/Life/10-Great-Awesome-and-Super-Ways-to-Make-a-New-Friend.253521 Are you lonely? Do you spend your days taking care of your many cats and wish upon a star they could talk? If they already do...this article is not for you, however, if you are still sane but just heartbreakingly lonely this intrepid journalist/writer/snarky know-it-all has just the answers you have been searching the internet for. Where else can you find the meaning for life but on the internet? Today's offering: how you (yes, even YOU) can make a new friend.

  1. Buy ‘em.

    I know from experience that friends aren't cheap; especially good ones. If you want quality, just be prepared to pay good money. If you don't have high expectations, you can get so-so friends for under $100, no-accounts for under $20 and back-stabbers for a mere $5.

  2. Create one.

    The human imagination is a varied and strange place. Depending on the level of effort you want to put forth, your new friend can be a purple flying donkey or just a ghost. You decide!

  3. Go to a strange place and get drunk

    Drunk people make friends faster than rich people. Everybody likes to be around a fun drunk! Loud drunk, pukey drunk, inappropriate drunk, disgusting drunk and weird drunk should be avoided because no one likes those guys.

  4. Try the "Wheel of Fate".

    Randomly pick people to be friends with. Call people from the phone book - especially in the middle of the night. Most people will be your friend if you promise never to call back at that ungodly hour.

  5. Have a party.

    Just because you don't have friends doesn't mean no one will show up to a party. Just pepper your neighborhood with flyers advertising a party with free food and drinks. Trust me, the people will come.

  6. Make an impassioned YouTube plea.

    You've heard of "fameballing"? Why not "friendball"? The more passionate, needy and strange your video plea for friends is, the more likely you'll receive heartfelt responses from people who will really care about you. If Chris Crocker can do it, why can't you?

  7. Get Virtual

    If you have no success with people that are flesh and blood, why not get some that are pixelated? Many sites offers the painfully shy, awkward, virginal 35 year old introvert the opportunity to be the master of his domain:Second Life or SmallWorlds.

    I know there must be other sites, but I've been to busy with my real friends to google them.

  8. Become religious.

    Churches have historically looked for lonely, unguided, and simple people to fill their pews and donate to the church building fund. Under the umbrella of Christian love, you'll find all the friends you need. Even if they reject you for being too weird (remember David Koresch?), you'll still have Jesus.

  9. Mothers make the best friends.

    Your mom always told you that no one will ever love you as much as she does. She was right!

  10. Make comments on articles that deride the author.

    Join a growing community of people who like to diss writers they never met by leaving nasty comments about their work. One of the most popular is that the writer has a fat ass.
]]> Mon, 15 Sep 2008 02:23:17 PST 10 Fragrances for Sarah Palin http://www.purpleslinky.com/Humor/Satire/10-Fragrances-for-Sarah-Palin.252785 Governor Sarah Palin likes to look attractive when she's out to see the public. She wants to make a good impression with the voters. She even wants to smell good too. Here are ten fragrances for Sarah Palin to put on her skin to really attract her constituents:

  1. Elephant Musk. Particularly affective when you are in a room full of Republicans.
  2. Midnight Bridge. This fragrance will send you on a bridge to everywhere.
  3. Ear Marx Design. A little bit of this fragrance goes a long, long way.
  4. Glacier Ice. Cool and very sensuous odor. Really stimulates the crowd.
  5. Mystery of the Wolves. Adventurous and mysterious at the same time.
  6. Splendid Lies. Truth or fiction, does it really matter?
  7. Abstinence Forever. You can look, but you cannot touch.
  8. Russian Bear. When you want to feel particularly aggressive, this fragrance will dominate any man.
  9. Oil and Fire. Ignite your passions while you energize the public.
  10. Million Dollar Baby. When you want to make an impression with your corporate donors, this fragrance is meant especially for you.
]]> Sun, 14 Sep 2008 04:36:43 PST