“A method of preventing and discouraging the abduction of children and other persons comprising: extending the arms of the person around an object and interconnecting the arms so as to effectively tie that person to the object.”

So let me get this straight... I'm supposed to place these on my child and just hope that he or she doesn't accidentally lock himself around something? Not to mention, if there were an abduction attempt, you've essentially just made your child a sitting duck for an abductor to assault.

#2) U.S. Patent No.1,493,222: Feces Scale

“A weighing device especially adapted for weighing feces as excreted...” “The operation is obvious. After the feces are deposited a reading is made. Then to wash the tray, the finger is pressed down on the cap 18 and the closet simultaneously flushed.”

I am dumbfounded as to why anybody would ever actually need to weight their own feces and urine, and I think that there is little else to be said about the stupidity of this device.

#3) U.S. Patent No. 3,138,870: Vacuum Operated Hair Clipper

“This invention relates to powered clippers of the class operated by attachment to a vacuum cleaner or other air pump, and is particularly directed to certain improvements in air driven clippers productive of greater versatility and increased performance therein.”

So, pretty much what we've got here is the "Suck Cut" from Wayne's World - which by the way, depicts my every thought of what could potentially go wrong with such an asinine device... “Aaaahh! Turn it off man, turn it off! It's sucking my will to live! Oh, the humanity!”

#4) U.S. Patent No. 3,150,831: Birthday Cake Candle Extinguisher

“This invention concerns a candle extinguisher particularly adapted for extinguishing lighted candles on birthday cakes and the like.”

Wow. Yet another testament to humanity's newfound laziness. Apparently, we're so physically inept that we're officially unable to blow out our own freakin' birthday candles? Good God...

#5) U.S. Patent No. 5,392,735: Marine Mammal Communication Device

“An innovative communication device and learning tool that enables marine mammals, such as dolphins, to communicate with humans and with each other. The communication device includes a keyboard having a plurality of hollow keys. Each key includes a switch which can be activated by the dolphin, and a two- or three-dimensional object which can be distinguished by dolphins from other objects in other keys both visually and through echolocation.”

Do people really have this much time on their hands? I mean, what exactly do these people think that they would possibly be able to achieve here? On second thought-I hope that this thing is made one day and the first thing that the dolphins tell us is, “We ate Lassie.”